Author Topic: Christmas in the program  (Read 2083 times)

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Offline Botched Programming

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Christmas in the program
« on: November 28, 2010, 09:55:15 AM »
I remember spending 2 Christmas' in Straight. The thought about this topic came up last night while I helped my daughter put up a Christmas tree and decorate the front of the house.

Both of the Christmas' that I spent in Straight were not happy as I was away from my family. Sure my host parents were nice people, but they were not able to fulfill the viod in my life, which was the need to be with my family to have Christmas dinner, be part of looking for the christmas tree, decorating, and mainly be a part of the family.

From being in a program during the holidays especially it caused me to have a barrier that still exist in my life. I am not an anti-social person, but this time of year always triggers feelings and emotions for me. I have had people tell me to get over it and move on, but they do not understand how deeply this type of situation effects a person.

My first Christmas after I got out of the program I tried to do the family thing and it was ruined for me. Feelings of resentment for having been placed in the program dominated what should have been a happy thing. It seems that no matter how I try to get into the holiday spirit the program seems to have ruined it for me. I do however put on a plastic smile and act as if, but I know it is not real.

"Relate"
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline none-ya

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2010, 02:34:32 PM »
How long did straight make you guys live with your host family?
The seed was; court ordered - 90 days min.
Parental placement - 14 days min.
Thank God I was able to escape the way I did. I never had to spend a holiday there. but every time I hear jingle bells I want to get sick.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2010, 02:44:47 PM »
Hey man  this should be on the main page not burried here om OFFA.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline heretik

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2010, 09:21:32 PM »
Yeah Botch, I concur. Put this on the main page, great topic.
I swear I feel the same way about Christmas. I found a way to make myself feel better, through my children. I made sure they never felt the way I did about the holidays.
Hang in there Botch.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline mark babitz

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2010, 09:20:25 AM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"
I remember spending 2 Christmas' in Straight. The thought about this topic came up last night while I helped my daughter put up a Christmas tree and decorate the front of the house.

Both of the Christmas' that I spent in Straight were not happy as I was away from my family. Sure my host parents were nice people, but they were not able to fulfill the viod in my life, which was the need to be with my family to have Christmas dinner, be part of looking for the christmas tree, decorating, and mainly be a part of the family.

From being in a program during the holidays especially it caused me to have a barrier that still exist in my life. I am not an anti-social person, but this time of year always triggers feelings and emotions for me. I have had people tell me to get over it and move on, but they do not understand how deeply this type of situation effects a person.

My first Christmas after I got out of the program I tried to do the family thing and it was ruined for me. Feelings of resentment for having been placed in the program dominated what should have been a happy thing. It seems that no matter how I try to get into the holiday spirit the program seems to have ruined it for me. I do however put on a plastic smile and act as if, but I know it is not real.

"Relate"

I can't help but feel the same way too, I think programs do cause allot of future damage emotionally and no matter how hard we try and suppress it,the feeling always surface. I sure don't have any answers on how to make the bad feeling go away,or how to overcome them.

I tend to close my eye's, so to speak, and move on,They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I try to believe that.But it is still a hard time to get threw.


Quote from: "none-ya"
Hey man  this should be on the main page not burried here om OFFA.


I think none-ya should take a good look at the thread  (OFFA) and relies that most of the posters here have allot of pent up emotions from programs, and probably and do need the, acknowledgement that yes those bad times did effect allot of people not just some of us, me included. And that not 1, but allot of us go threw the same depressions and emotional obstacle threw out the year.

If none-ya was to pay attention,( OFFA ) is probable the most view thread on the site.

Quick numbers for, Elan discussion from New Forum Policies
17 Jan 2010, 13:51

11 months = 26,432,views and 2045 post. Thats 2203 views per month,551 per week and 79 per day,
11 months = 2045 posts,thats 171 per month 43 per week.

That's more action than any thread on the forum, So yes this thread needs love and some consoling,to possibly break up all the hostility.Sorry if this thread is too hot for some, but thats what programs do to people and the real world isn't much different.Survivors need a vent hole,.

The ones who truly get fired on are Ex-Staff, but some don't seem to follow that,If the staff, were so wonderful in the programs, No one would have had a bad experience, now would they.?? Just food for thought.

We all have our depressions and horrible thoughts from the past,So don't minimize the people on (OFFA),
For the most part programs turned out more hostile people than not ,. :cheers:  :cheers:  :cheers:  :peace:  :peace:  :rocker:  :rocker:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline mark babitz

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2010, 03:02:28 PM »
Sorry I drew a negative reply to your thread BP, :peace:  :peace: I do mean what I said above, and Holidays are the worst,because they were always presented as the best, and we got the worst,LOL. But in seriousness, we were taken from our comfort zone that we learned on those days and were in anything but home or love. So those are fragile spots for many,the years we will never get back,but hopefully we learned something from, good or bad,.

I just Thank God for my family and very good friends and  try and feed off their happiness,Some times it feels like I am mimicking a Frenchman, and not knowing the language.But as BP said you do the dance and hope the song ain't long. :cheers:  :cheers:  :peace:  :peace:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline seamus

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2010, 04:36:26 PM »
Yeah I tend to dissapear round the hollidays, allways been a bad time of year for me,even pre-str8. Memories of yelling screaming,people fighting.......and that was the adults! My dad had a lung out christmas eve day bout my 2nd year out of the program,I spent 3 or 4 locked up in various places the worst was what I call "the Ivy ridge " christmas. Ivy ridge was a part of a state juvie system where the "worst of the worst " wound up.I spent bout 5-6 weeks in ad -seg there,mostly for some shit I pulled at sandhills, but somewhat because I pissed staff off to no end.....then there was the str8 christmas, mercifully I dont remember it, I know I wasnt allowed to be at home but I was on 4th phase,and normally lived at home. I hope  to whomever I was fostering with that I didnt cause the usual seamus mayhem,I hope I minded my manners,and didnt make a bad thing worse. Christmas this year is gonna be at best twitchy, Im gonna make every effort NOT to drink.Dunno if I can pull that off,or not.Fuck I dispise the hollidays.Seriously.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline shaggys

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2010, 04:42:31 PM »
My memories of Christmas in the program are hazy at best. Hey BP do you remember if we had to go to the building on Christmas day? I can't seem to remember at all.
I would assume that we did have to spend at least a portion of the day at the bldg. Straight didn't really have any holidays.
We probably had confrontation raps on Christmas Eve too. Glad I can't remember some stuff.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Shadyacres

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2010, 05:44:21 PM »
Nothing drives home the fact that your parents do not want you better than the knowledge that they are going ahead with the family Christmas while keeping you locked in an illegal gulag.  The program I was in took full advantage of this, encouraging us to “work the program” so that, maybe, we could “earn” our way back into our family by next year.  But that is not the way I saw it.  I was more inclined to view parents who would do that to their own child as parents who are not worth having.  Aside from the actual act of lying to me to get me there, then leaving me there imprisoned, Christmas at the program probably did more to damage my relationship with my mother than anything else.  I still had all my memories of Christmas’ past, and had a good idea what my family was doing while I was going through a hell that they will never even know about.  Just the thought of all that fake ‘love’ in the program makes me want to vomit, even today.  Oh, and the idea behind Christmas presents is to get something you think will make them HAPPY.  Buying your son, who you’ve wrongfully imprisoned over the holiday season, a couple of  shirts that you KNOW he will HATE is just a cruel joke, played on someone who is already almost suicidally depressed.  Oh, how I hate those people.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anne Bonney

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2010, 09:49:43 AM »
Quote from: "Shadyacres"
Just the thought of all that fake ‘love’ in the program makes me want to vomit, even today.  Oh, and the idea behind Christmas presents is to get something you think will make them HAPPY.  Buying your son, who you’ve wrongfully imprisoned over the holiday season, a couple of  shirts that you KNOW he will HATE is just a cruel joke, played on someone who is already almost suicidally depressed.  Oh, how I hate those people.

 :tup:  :tup:

Our "presents" were deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, MI books etc (all searched before we received them).  We'd turn down the lights and sing Xmas songs like it was supposed to be some spiritual event when it was the exact opposite.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
traight, St. Pete, early 80s
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The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents-- because they have a tame child-creature in their house.  ~~  Frank Zappa

Offline shaggys

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2010, 11:42:48 AM »
I know that I spent one Christmas at Straight on 1st phase and then another Christmas there on a higher phase. Again though i have no memory of either day right now. Weird cause so many things about Straight are still crystal clear for me. I can see it as if I had just been there.
Shady talked about the fake love in the program. Something I remember very very well. I think that is the reason I have such trouble now expressing myself that way to loved ones. It just all seems fake because thats what I learned at Straight.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anne Bonney

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2010, 12:17:50 PM »
Quote from: "shaggys"
I know that I spent one Christmas at Straight on 1st phase and then another Christmas there on a higher phase. Again though i have no memory of either day right now. Weird cause so many things about Straight are still crystal clear for me. I can see it as if I had just been there.

Swiss cheese memories.....seems a lot of us have that.  I think sometimes we tend to try and block out some of the really horrible stuff and when it surfaces, it does so with a vengeance.

Quote
Shady talked about the fake love in the program. Something I remember very very well. I think that is the reason I have such trouble now expressing myself that way to loved ones. It just all seems fake because thats what I learned at Straight.

Yup.....they perverted the word/feeling (among many other things).  A long time ago when my dad and I were talking about Straight he was so shocked at my true feelings towards it (this was after the Kool-Aid began to wear off).  He kept talking about how "close" we were and when I told him it was all fake in order to progress in the program and get the hell out, it nearly killed him (figuratively).
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
traight, St. Pete, early 80s
AA is a cult http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-cult.html

The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents-- because they have a tame child-creature in their house.  ~~  Frank Zappa

Offline Troll Control

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2010, 01:50:10 PM »
I've always had the same response to the holiday season as most of you are relating.  My experience is pretty much like the Merle Haggard song "Mama Tried."  "I turned twenty one in prison..." and spent more than a few holidays there as well.

This year everything is different though.  My baby girl is going to be 11 months old at Christmas and I'm so excited to see her have her first one!  I'm looking forward to the event like I have never before since I was a child myself.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anne Bonney

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2010, 01:57:32 PM »
Quote from: "Troll Control"
This year everything is different though.  My baby girl is going to be 11 months old at Christmas and I'm so excited to see her have her first one!  I'm looking forward to the event like I have never before since I was a child myself.


Awww, I really do miss Christmas with little ones and the first is definitely fab!  Congrats!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
traight, St. Pete, early 80s
AA is a cult http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-cult.html

The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents-- because they have a tame child-creature in their house.  ~~  Frank Zappa

Offline Troll Control

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Re: Christmas in the program
« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2010, 02:23:58 PM »
Thanks, Anne.  She's the light of my life.  She only has two words so far:  "Daddy" and "Da-da."  Who is happier than me?  Wifey...not so much.  I catch her asking the baby "But what about Mommy?  I don't recall Daddy gaining forty pounds and almost dying to bring you into this world!"
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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