To be cruel to people and to be a real asshole, it helps to feel as if you are being victimized. So this is how I felt as I was being cruel and an asshole to anybody who would try to help me. I regret this now and wonder how much easier things afterwards might have been if I really opened up to it fully at the time. But they did manage to budge me open a crack, and in time it was pushed wide open and the light poured in and, as corny as it sounds, I was truly saved. I know some people might not understand this, or think its all bullshit, but whatever, that doesn't matter. I was extremely self destructive. I was someone that desperately needed treatment and to have the control in my life taken away from me. I understand people here argue that some kids are not that far gone and they don't need treatment, I think there's definitely truth to this statement.
But I have gotten to a point where I can be honest with myself now and its very freeing. I get that some people have negative experiences, and that is a tragedy. But for me it was both necessary and ultimately helped me tremendously, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Perhaps Id on't want to name the place, because I don't want to discount what other people have to say about it? Have you thought about that? I respect what other people have to say about their own experiences but the people here don't respect people like me who say it helped them. Good things happen in treatment centers, so does some bad things. But only focusing on the bad is not being honest. I am willing to delve into both categories of reality in order to pursue a higher truth, and this truth has no agenda, its above all that. Its just the reality of what happened, and how it effected me. If this is so bothersome to read, then by all means don't click on threads I start, it won't bother me and you I'm sure have better things to do as well.
Fornits is not an open free for all discussion. Its basic structure and outline is setup this way for the most part. The admins stay out of it and don't moderate which is great and all, but when a group of regulars gets so insular and intense in their own beliefs, so much so that outside opinion of this orthodoxy causes them personal anger towards other posters, and it becomes a very toxic environment. I used to be like some of you when I first got out of treatment. I was angry and thought other people were trying to harm me and the truth was completely opposite to that. I was harming myself and they were only trying to find ways to get me to stop it. This is not a beautiful and seamless process and its easy to pick out points that can be exaggerated and told from a certain perspective to illicit a certain sympathetic response. But I'm not interested in that anymore because I can take responsibility for my own role in my fate, something I was unable to do for a long time.
I feel uncomfortable attempting to refer to myself in my own head as a "survivor". To me, this just feels like an exaggeration and almost like a joke, if I ever stated "I am a program survivor", it would probably be immediately followed with a chuckle. But evolution decided on fornits, this is what we shall refer to ourselves as, a unique term nowhere else represented. To me it makes me question, what did I survive? How many of my peers were killed? How dangerous was it really in treatment, compared to say my previous lifestyle that lead to treatment in the first place? These questions simply don't pan out. Terms like brainwashed, well I never knew anyone who was brainwashed, and I don't even know what they really mean by it. "Mindfucked" is a particularly gross term, and is so over the top its just ridiculous. Gulag, concnetration camps, etc. Take your pick, no thanks I can't participate in this charade. The conspiracy theories, the hatred for Whooter, the attmpted e-lynchings of posters who have contrary opinions has turned me off to what looks like a cult to me.
Was I "abused"? I could easily claim I was, according to the definition on fornits of the truly watered down version of the word. But no, I was never abused. I was not mistreated. Yes it was a controlled environment, but I was someone whose behaviors suggested I wanted to kill myself, did I really deserve to have the full freedom to do this? Well this is a philosophical debate, but as the person whose life was in danger, I'm glad someone took the initiative to take the control out of my hands and put it into theirs. For this I am very thankful, something I truly and actually believe. I went from hating those people at a time to being indescribably appreciative.
Now this might be hard for some people to believe, again it doesn't bother me. I'm not here trying to push an agenda. I am not so naive as to think a bunch of parents debating sending a kid off are delving into dozen page length threads about Whooter and other crap and I am impacting this. I am not that arrogant to believe that. I think this is a forum that is viewed by a relatively small amount of people who all have an interest in this topic for one reason or another. For some reason this forum is populated mostly by people who despite treatment. I think there are just as many people who are appreciative such as myself and just don't post here. I find all points of view on this topic interesting and so I read this forum. I have no interest in changing people's minds or anything, I post here to reiterate my own feelings and that's it. So take it or leave it, have fun and read my posts or ignore them and either way it will not impact your own experience in treatment, but you might understand mine a little bit better. That's all I got to offer with my posts, please dont expect anything else.
