This is a very interesting topic, and a very difficult one, in my view, to find clear answers too.
I mean.. I guess the best way really is to just play along and make it believable- that is, if you want to get out in a timely fashion, and avoid too much strife.
I don't know.. there were people there who did that. I couldn t do it though. Most of them were figurred out at some point anyway. To follow this path, you have to be able to do things to other people that you wouldn t want done to you. And you have to be abvle to lie all the time. It just wasn t for me, and although, it is easiest, if you pull it off, I hope it's not the path for most others either.
I can only speak from my personal experience, in the particular program that I was in.
The way that I survived, insofar as maintaining my identity within the environment was by standing my ground. I thought that most of the people there were weak, idiots, and immoral. I did not want to be like them, so I did what I had to, not to be. I took pride in who I was, and did not let them make me feel ashamed. I did not open up, ever.. no matter what. I did not allow myself to get caught up in any moments. I did not let them see any internal issue within me, because I knew that if I did, they could find a weakness within me, and perhaps, successfully utilize it to break me.
I learned all the rules of Daytop, and the ways of trickery, and I had a stronger intellect, then I think, any of the kids there, but I NEVER used any of that, except in self-defense. I never got the taste of blood. Once you get it, you are constantly driven to get more. I simply never participated in anything, except when forced. I tried to be happy everyday. I was myself. I believed that it was important to be happy, and I didn t see why that should change now. I really did believe that, and I think that, that is why I could defend it.
If someone is on like their 3rd or 4th program, don t get involved with them. They are usually program-people. They are usually dependent on programs, and no matter how they appear, they are not expecting to get out any time soon.. These people will usually get themselves in trouble intentionally, if they start doing too good, because programs have become their home.
Never back down.. Not even from the fiercest program advocate. You are always entitled to your own thoughts and beliefs. BUT never get emotional. I never got emotional, ever. I stood my ground, but I never let them get me angry, sad, or scared, and if they did, I didn t let them see it.
If the program has "contracts", don t get involved with them. they almost always come out. In the end, I gave full trust to no one. I considerred it a solitary battle. I helped others when I could, but I never put myself at risk.
These were some of my strategies. And, in a way, they worked. I survived the program, in a way, I was told by others, that no one else ever had. I was like an anomaly. they couldn t "get" me, and I did not want them too.
BUT in the end, this really didn t work, completely, because by the looks of things, after almost 6 months of being there, I was still looking at a minimum, of at least another 18, and probably longer, because the program always took longer then it was supposed. ALWAYS!
So while I was maintaining my identity, pride, etc., I had not advanced in the program, and I was getting scared, inside, because I either never would advance, and finally be free again, someday, or eventually, they would break me, which at this point, would have fucking killed me.
So, how did I get out. I threatened to kill myself. In the short time, I was in there, I had seen many do this, in all sorts of ways, written, spoken, even in poems..
But they believed me, and they were right to, because I was getting very close to it. The only thing that stopped me, was the idea, that once I did it, I couldn t go back and undo it. I was still hoping to find another way out. I may have ran first probably. My problem here was that, if I ever got caught, I would be violated on my probation, and from what I was told, do a little time in jail, and then have to start over at fucking Daytop. They sure had their teeth in my balls. I never thought society would get me like that..... seemed like a bad dream, and I was very angry with myself, for letting myself get into this.
Anyhow, they believed me.
Aaaaahhhh... But even this wasn t really a full solution, because I could have ended up somewhere else, like a loony bin or something...
so why not?
Well, I convinced the shrink there, that the program simply was no good for me, and was doing me harm, and that it was likely that I would take my own life. It was known by many that I had dropped it in my guilt. If I were to do it, well, why the fuck didn t they let me out. Thye would have to answer to that. Also, I called the psychologist at my school, shortly before, told her the place was fucking me up, and I needed to get out, and she actually took an interest in it. She was now calling them. I don t know what they spoke about. I only know that. That is what they told . They told me that "Mrs _____ had called, and accused me of begging her to let me back into the school." I did.. Well, I didn t beg, but I asked, and made my argument as to why this would be best. I also told her nicely, that she misled me, and she left a lot out about this place, or didn t actually know much about it, and they misrepresented it, in her visit. ( she had visited daytop prior to sending me. i was kinda like my school's guinea pig, although they honestly did think it would be good for me, except that, it seemed to be more or less the opposite of what they said it would be. )
This was good though... more eyes on them, in regards to Paul St. John.. more concern. The school psychologist liked me a lot, and I her, and she actually did, I believe give a fuck. I don t agree with everything about this woman, but when push comes to shove, she was a good-hearted person, with an honest desire to do what good she could in a not so great school.
I think at this point, they wanted me out, and they wanted me out smoothly...
But again, why didn t I end up, in some tighter place? Why did I just get to go back to my life, so long as I agreed to have a part-time job, and go to a private counselor once a week.
That is because I convinced my probation officer, who in the end was the final authority, in all things Paul, that I was a unique person. .... that I was self-directed, that it would be an absolute crime to fuck with me or my identity, and that I was a free-thinker, and that society needed people like me. I convinced her, that I WAS NOT my drug problem. I WAS ME. My drug problem was just something that I had. I was okay. I had full trust in myself, and she could too.
I convinced her of it so well, that she was preaching it to me after awhile.. and believe it or not, this woman who was suppose to be my punishing babysitter, throughhmy experience at Daytop, actually became a beneficial thing in my life.
How the hell did I convince her of all that? Honestly, none of it was planned.. I just spoke from the heart to someone willing to listen from the outside world.
and she believed me, because I believed me.
Paul St. John
