mental anguish

[Anonymous]

I have been coming to these boards on and off for about 3 years now.  In that time, and thanks to the Fornits and Mr. Fager's site, I have healed in lots of ways.  The problem is now that I have found all this stuff, I think about my time in straight and the crazy years I endured after I left straight.  I also think about the Sembler crap, state of Florida involvement, the involvement of all the local grooups and agencies in the Tampa Bay area that allowed straight to continue.  It is driving me purely crazy!   I want to leave this site and never return (or at least for a long time), but for some sick reason, I am continuely pulled back, here.  I wish I could leave or just shut down my brain and feelings when it comes to this stuff.   I feel emotionally drained most of the time and when I return to the bay area, I am constantly reminded of my time in straight.  It didn't used to be that way.  In fact until about 10 years ago, I lived in the tampa bay area and rarely thought about it.  I put it all out of my head for almost 20 years and now I can't seem to get it out of my head.   URGH! I'm not going to leave my name or sign in because I want to stay anon.  How do you exstraightlings deal with this stuff on a daily basis.  I can live with the PTSD, the anger that I still have from being in the program, the mental anguish and the general junk that I have from being in here.  I did it for many many years.   I want to forget it all, but I cannot afford to pick up my computer and throw it away, which is what I think will take for me to go away and stop thinkin about all of this.

[Antigen]

See now? This is why I won't ban anon posting.

I think putting this stuff into historic perspective helped me the most to deal with the stress and anxiety of knowing this stuff.

In the context of generally accepted, polite conversation, this stuff is horrific and bizarre. But, in the context of all the fucked up things that people are always doing to each other down through history, it's pretty much the norm.

I have a good friend who grew up in the mountains in Haiti. We talk about all kinds of things from crotch watching to world affairs. When I started explaining to her how the Program mind fuck works, she described to me how Voo-Doo masters go about making zombie slaves. It's not always the fake death trick they show in the movies. More often, it's just like any other cult; they spot people when they're feeling desperate, convince them that they hold the power of eternal life and death and ... well you know the rest. They also do the same kind of monkey business wrt local police and government.

There are just countless other examples, like how the Mormons started out to form an Utopian society out west; how lynchings were (or sometimes still are) tolerated and accepted in some places; how the Nazis rose to power in Germany. This is just another example of how fanatics gain power by scaring the hell out of everyone and then promising salvation to those who will subourn themselves to that holy higher purpose.

No matter what you or I do or don't do, this too will pass and another band of radicals will eventually gain sway, and so on, and so on. It's inevitable. I keep throwing in on the effort because, well, I guess that's just how I'm made. I do step away from the keyboard from time to time when it gets upsetting and I just go for a walk or take up an interest in something unrelated.

The notion that a radical is one who hates his country is naive and usually idiotic. He is, more likely, one who likes his country more than the rest of us, and is thus more disturbed than the rest of us when he sees it debauched. He is not a bad citizen turning to crime; he is a good citizen driven to despair.


--H.L. Mencken

[Froderik]

It's been almost one year since I've found these boards, and I share your "addiction" to them.  :grin:
And yes it can be hard to keep looking sometimes. Like Antigen stated, (more or less) life ain't always pretty. Yeah, we were victimized. Some worse than others. And then there are some who think it actually helped them to be there...

How do I deal with it? Get involved in other things, live a little, pick up a guitar, walk the dog, play with my kids, keep going to work, drink a few beers, etc...

I know what you mean about never thinking about it before. Ignorance is bliss. These boards are like Pandora's box. Once you open it, those demons are out! And in a sense, there is no turning back...but that's life.  :tup:

[Anonymous]

I think most of us felt like these boards brought back a lot of memories of days long gone.  But remember that is what they are...long gone.  These people no longer control us in the physical sense.  We can do exactly what was already suggested take a walk and clear our minds when we want to b/c the most important thing for me is it is MY mind now.  Sure we all have our issues but how I choose to handle them now as an adult is my decision.  No more forced MI writings no more forced confessions of intimate details, only do what you need to.  The fact is (unlike what Straight said) only you know what is best for you.  If these boards aren't for you leave them alone, otherwise come converse with the rest of us sickos.

[Antigen]

While it's true I don't have to report to the building, do an MI, guard and surveil newcomers and all that, I can't agree that we're free of the Program. Not by a long shot!

If you send your kids to school, odds are very high that they'll be administered the DARE Program. I knew back around 1990 when my kid was in grade school that DARE creeped me out. I and my friends with kids in school talked about it. We knew about their telling the kids to write down any 'concerns' they might have about friends and family members and put them, anonymously, into the concerns box at the back of the classroom. Then they'd take them out and go over them with the kids' teacher to try and figure out by the handwriting which kid they'd tricked with the promise of anonymity.

When I found out, much later, like 1998 or so, that Betty Sembler holds a seat on the DARE BOA I was shocked and yet not surprised. That was truely one of those moments when I'm sure I liked it better when only I was a little paranoid, but the rest of the world was more-or-less OK.

There's more. It's equally disturbing and often much worse.

When our parents put us in the program, a lot of them just really believed that any experimentation w/ pot was as dangerous as sky diving with an umbrella and that we would be deadinsaneorinjail if they didn't do something, RIGHT NOW!!!! Some of the more whacked TOUGHLOVE hategroup members still believe that. But most don't. More often these days, the parents are genuinely afraid for their kids because they've become or are at risk of becoming involved with the legal justice system.

It used to be that you had to be a pretty damned bad kid to get into trouble with the law. Now? It's more like getting sat on in group. Lose your temper and yell at a teacher one time and you're parents get a call at work to pick you up at the juvenile intervention facility, where a friendly, helpful social worker will hand you your orders to dose your kid with Welbutrin and bring them to group style anger management classes. And it comes with an ultimatum; if you can't keep your kid under control and surveilance, they will!

Want to attend a concert at the stadium in Tampa or just go for a drink at Ybor City? (both Sembler Development projects) Ok, but you're going to get your mug scanned and datased.
http://www.epic.org/privacy/facerecognition/

This is some disturbing shit! But I suspect I'm not the only one who has already been disturbed by it, just cause it all has that familiar smell before I found out the hard data connecting these Orwellian schemes with the Program. Lots of civil liberties minded people are also disturbed by these types of policies and practices. And they understand, in theory, how dangerous this sort of thing can be. They think Stalinist Russia here in America, maybe in a number of years. For me, it ain't theoretical. I remember, sometimes vividly at night when I wish I could be sleeping, just how far our old chums would take their cause.

I look back on how I handled it then. I'm not unhappy with the way things turned out. I'm glad I just turned my back and went about getting on with my life. I've got a good life. These days, a walk in the woods or just a break from this scary shit to think about more pleasant, life affirming stuff is always good medicine. But as I'm walking in the woods or shooting the shit with the hippies, natives and bikers at some flea market or pow-wow, I'm still thinking. Not thinking directly about the facts I went there to take a break from, but about the contrast between the Stepford world I've rejected and the one I've escaped to and how to forge a secure path for my grandchildren to get from here to there.

Some of the native tribes are taking a very zen sort of approach to things. They've survived, such as they are, 500 years of genocide and cultural cleansing, mostly by a strategy of just keeping the home fires buring; making sure their kids have a good and sure taste for their own non-coercive cultures. One think I'm sure of, if/when the shit hits the fan, I'm running toward those bikers and tribes and away from officer friendly.

All I ask is equal freedom.  When it is denied, as it always is, I take it anyhow.
--H.L. Mencken

[85 Day Jerk]

I found out about this board after losing my job of 3 and a half years.  Had I still been on the job at the time I found it, I most likely would have taken the anger out on my employer and been fired anyway.  Luckily, I encountered on the job discrimination and used it as leverage to obtain a decent settlement package.

There is a virtual flood that occurs upon coming onto these sites and re-living the experiences that we all went through.  What is different now is that we are all adults and we now know how the world works.  Most of us are in control of our lives and can shape our own destinys.  Another common factor is that most of us are either entering into our early 30's or early 40's and this is a great time of inner reflection.  We see where we came from and where we are headed.  Some like what they see and are content with it, while others feel they have been cheated, or feel like failures.  I kind of fall into that last catagory.  I really have not accomplished all that much and constantly beat myself up for it.  At least I don't play the BLAME GAME.  I can't think of a more self-destructive way to deal with your shortcomings than to lay the blame on someone else.  I myself have never been married, I have no children, do not own a house, and all I really need to get ahead is a simple part time job.  I have let my own fear of failure paralyze me into thinking that the economy is too bad right now to find anything good, and so I keep working through a temp agency.  This way I don't have to take responsability for my future.  I just leave everything up to other people, and if I don't like it, I can refuse the assignment and move on.  This has ended up hurting me, because the work has not been as steady as I would have liked, and I have not made as much money as I would have liked too.  So here I am typing about it.  I need to just get over my fear of rejection, and realize that most kids that are hired these days could't pour water out of a bucket if the directions were printed on the bottom, and most businesses would be more than happy to hire someone with my qualifications. Getting them to pay a livable wage is another thing, but I'll climb that hill when I get to it.

[Anonymous]

My point was we are physically free now...I never said mentally.  That is something to personal to generalize.  Some of us I believe are free.  I am free but that has taken a lot of work for me.  Having said that it doesn't mean that I will or would like to forget the past including Straight.  The sum of my experiences make up who I am or at least how I think.  I am glad to say I will never let anyone treat me or my children as we were treated.  Does this mean I am still trapped?  No absolutely not.  I live on, I enjoy myself I am not a victim b/c I choose not to be one now.  I believe I was in th eprogram b/c I was trapped young and scared.  But today I am a grown person and I choose not to live as if I am scared and trapped.  This revelation for me was a turning point for me.  I lived years with insomnia and enormous anger when I realised I was letting those people control me with their "programming."

That was my point to the original post.  I do not believe myself to be qualified to tell others my way is the "RIGHT" way, or I'd be no better than my Straight captors.  I only hope that this does help someone else who is having trouble coping with the flood of memories and emotions.  I have read the same story on here many times and usually these people go away.  If they need to for their well-being I say go and be well.  But their are a percentage of us who choose not to run away and say guess what I am not dead, addicted, in jail or even unhappy.  So make a note of that tough love program directors.  You can not conquer us all...not even if the indoctrination started young. Nor fellow "Straightlings" can you presume we are all still trapped by the past.

[Antigen]

On 2003-09-23 13:17:00, Anonymous wrote:

"My point was we are physically free now...I never said mentally.

No, it's not my imagination. I know it's not quite this bad in most parts of the country. But in Florida, I know people who've been threatened with having their kids taken from them and forced to attend therapy of various sorts because someone tipped off the DARE cop or called the anonymous tip hotline aledging drug involvement.

It's just like at intake. It doesn't matter what the truth is and there is no presumption of innocense. You either go along with the directives given you and jump through all the hoops or they'll give your kids to someone they approve to raise them. (yes, this is the same DCF system that currently can't find 1600 of their charges. The good news is that most of those kids find their way back to their families and then only turn up in pictures on those junk mail flyers, next to the pictures of their mothers or fathers)

What do you think all this school piss testing is all about? You know Straight (now known as Drug Free America Foundation) is in the business. What do you think they're doing with those kids when they test positive? In St. Pete, they send them to Betty Sembler's Operation PAR. In the Cinci area, they go to KHK, PFC in Detroit, Growing Together in Lake Worth area and SAFE in Orlando.

I am glad to say I will never let anyone treat me or my children as we were treated.  

Sorry to burst your bubble. Here, read up on it.
http://www.cpswatch.com/ Just try and stop them if they set their sights on your kids.

That was my point to the original post.  I do not believe myself to be qualified to tell others my way is the "RIGHT" way, or I'd be no better than my Straight captors.  I only hope that this does help someone else who is having trouble coping with the flood of memories and emotions.  

I don't think it's my place to tell anyone else what to do, either. But I feel just as obliged to tell them the truth as I would to tell someone standing on a train track if I knew there were a train coming.

I have read the same story on here many times and usually these people go away.  If they need to for their well-being I say go and be well.  But their are a percentage of us who choose not to run away and say guess what I am not dead, addicted, in jail or even unhappy.  So make a note of that tough love program directors.  You can not conquer us all...not even if the indoctrination started young. Nor fellow "Straightlings" can you presume we are all still trapped by the past. "

Not trapped in the past and not interested in trying to send a message to any current cult members, either. I'm interested in getting the word out about them, though. And in severing their supply of my tax money and their influence in the public policy that we all have to live with.

Want eliminate the most expensive, expansive, failed New Deal program? End the drug war. How to do that? Eliminate DFAF influence in your community. Just tell your neighbors the truth about these people.

Life is like a bird, at any given moment it is droping a load. It is only a matter of time before one eventually find you.

http://fornits.com/about_us.htm' target='_new'>SysAdmin

[Froderik]

So this CPSWatch...it's these people you referring to (DFC) before in your post? I always wondered about those faces on those junk mail flyers...

[Anonymous]

Oh I'm also not interested in this debate.  I was just trying to send a post with my point of view.  I think alot of people quit coming here b/c after awhile it gets burdensome to always have to fight my point of view.  Disagree with my opinion...welcome to the US.  You may say I am living in the dark...or I could say you are paranoid.  The point is the earlier post was my opinion.  No need to "talk down to me" with your bursting my bubble comments I am fully qualified in the area of comprehension.  I am also fully qualified to have a different opinion, as are you Ginger.  If you feel you need to get the truth out go for it.  However, for what its worth you'll generally find people will give you more of a chance and actually listen when they are not on the defensive or feel attacked.

[ClayL]

I take great pride in know that old age is always fatal and that I am likely to outlive Mel and Beatty. While they have many disciples, I doubt they will start a new religion by raising from the grave.

[Cayo Hueso]

I was in St. Pete from 82 to 84.  My dad was considered a parent guru and he married another parent.  I married someone from the program and had two kids with him.  My parents and inlaws still believe Straight was a good thing.  Because of the influence Straight had and still has over them, and to a certain degree my ex-husband, I have had my kids taken away twice, once for 3 years and I've been dragged back into court or threatened with it more times than I care to think about.  It seems like I've never been able to leave the program behind until about the last year it finally feels like the leaving it behind process has begun.  My youngest is now 16 and my oldest 18 and NO ONE can threaten me with taking my kids anymore.  That's one of the things I'm most angry about.  As a parent I was not afforded the luxury of having my own ideals, making mistakes as every parent does, or raising my children the way that I wanted to raise them.  If I did anything that they didn't agree with, I was threatened with court.  The effects of Straight do not leave us when we leave the program.  The influences are everywhere.  12 step programs, school drug "education" programs, courts (especially locally with the powerful Straight supporters here), media.  

Straight got me at my most vulnerable years.  As a teenager you are learning how to live as an adult.  As I said before I'm also a parent of two teenagers so I have both points of view, parent and child.  During that time when I should have been able to find my way in life with guidance and support, I was pulled from school, taken from all family and friends, beaten, starved, told I was a piece of shit whore who was going to die and THEN told how much these people loved me and were there to help me live a good life.  What a mind fuck!!!  We were stripped of any identity we had, had unatainable expectations set for us, and then told to go out and be successful adults.  SURE.  I was sexually abused from the ages of 7 - 11.  It took me 6 years to finally talk about it and, stupid me, I talked about it for the first time in Straight.  I was told that I needed to focus on where MY responsibility in the situation was.  
MY RESPONSIBILITY?!?!?!?!?! ::jawdrop:: Then Ruth Ann told me that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH MY DRUG PROBLEM :flame:.  

Yeah, needless to say, Straight has infected so much of my life for a very long time.  But, in the past year reading these boards, talking with other survivors etc...I finally feel like I'm beginning to leave it behind somewhat.

[Antigen]

On 2003-09-23 19:04:00, Froderik13 wrote:

"So this CPSWatch...it's these people you referring to (DFC) before in your post? I always wondered about those faces on those junk mail flyers..."

Yeah, CPS is a generic catch all for child protective services. In Florida, it's currently the Department of Children and Families, I think. Every few years, they have a big shake up and respond by reorganizing, renaming agencies and adding some staff and facilities.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3.feeding; and  4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

[Antigen]

On 2003-09-24 06:03:00, Anonymous wrote:

 No need to "talk down to me" with your bursting my bubble comments I am fully qualified in the area of comprehension.  I am also fully qualified to have a different opinion, as are you Ginger.  If you feel you need to get the truth out go for it.  However, for what its worth you'll generally find people will give you more of a chance and actually listen when they are not on the defensive or feel attacked."

Sorry, didn't mean to talk down to you or put you on the defensive. That was a direct response to your insinuation that it's all in my head. It's not. And, at this point in the game, if that point of view prevails, it could be very dangerous to Richard. The man is now, still, after 20 years of trying everything he could think of to draw attention to ongoing institutional child abuse, facing down essentially the same stone wall, kangaroo court system that kept most of is frightened and silent back then.

If you don't want to think about it but just want to go about your life avoiding any appearance of belief or behavior that might get you caught in the net, then please do. But please don't discount the risks the rest of us are taking by pissing back in these people's faces. It's not about retribution or hurt feelings about something that happened decades ago. It's about what they're doing right now to our children and at our expense.

I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being first and foremost, and as such I am for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole

--Malcolm X

[Antigen]

On 2003-09-24 06:16:00, ClayL wrote:

"I take great pride in know that old age is always fatal and that I am likely to outlive Mel and Beatty. While they have many disciples, I doubt they will start a new religion by raising from the grave. "

Clay, the movement has enough momentup to keep rolling right along. Check out John Ashcroft prosecuting Tommy Chong for making and selling glass bongs. Isn't it ironic that the judge sentenced him on 9/11/03? These fuckers have a whole lot of political sway; enough to hitch thier drug war waggon to the terrorism train. They're just the same as they ever were. They don't like people talking out in group (hense, the RAVE Act) and they still view all dissenters as enemies of the state, hence new provisions to classify drug law violators as enemy combatants.

You might be too old and settled to ever get involved with any kind of activity that might bring you under any of these new provisions. But what about your kids? Are you absolutely sure they'll never get involved in this? Are you positive that neither you or they will ever piss off a snitch?

Our youth can not understand why society chooses to criminalize a behavior with so little visible ill effect or adverse social impact... These young people have jumped the fence and found no cliff.

http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/library/studies/nc/ncmenu.htm' target='_new'>Commission on Marihuana and Drug Abuse