Hard to believe it has been over three years since I took my children and left PA. I have to say it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
One evening, sometime in March 2003, I was doing a bible study called "Making Peace With Your Past". I was really into in. I was really into bible studies in general at that time... I couldn't figure out why my marriage was so terrible, and I thought surely it was me and I could use God's help to figure me out... My husband, Powerful Attitude, was sitting on the couch (which is where he sat when he was home, which was not very often at that time). Week 4 was titled: Uncovering Hidden Memories. I was searching the bible, praying, reading.... When I was done, I hopped on the computer and started googling. Just goolging whatever came to mind. Then I had a brilliant idea, "Hey, Marc, what was the name of that treatment center that your parents put you in when you were younger?" His reply, "Straight. Straight Incorporated." I googled it.
Sometimes I wish I never asked. Sometimes I am glad I did. Either way, what happened the next 4 months of my life was unbelievable. Unbearable.
We checked out a few websites. I sat with him and listened for 4 days straight (no pun intended) with little to no rest, as he remembered. Story after story, memory after memory. To say the very least, I was FREAKED OUT! I pleaded that he talk to someone, anyone. His mom, his dad, a professional. He quit his job as a Real Estate Investment Analyst. He tried to tell his parents, and they would not hear of it. I still (to this day) can not get them to even visit a straight website. He was only 14. Makes me sick to think of it, even now.
I did try hard to encourage him to see someone. I knew that my listening would not be enough. This was HUGE. I was borderline addicted to this site. He had started posting things, and I was so interested in him healing that I thought it would help. I pleaded for him to do something.
He had been verbally abusive pretty much since we got pregnant. It was nothing to what was happening now. He talked for hours and hours about raps and brainwashing and crazy distortions of the bible. He began yelling at me, sometimes for hours. I would lay on the floor in a ball, crying, begging him to stop. He would call me names, accuse me of things that were not true. The children were earshot away. I did not know what to do with the pain. Who could I tell and what would I say? My husband remembered something terrible, and now he yells at me day and night. Sometimes wakes me from sleeping at 3 in the morning by pulling the covers off and throwing papers of me that he has printed that he says is "PROOF" of an online affair. All I wanted was help. Any help. Never in my life had I ever done this, but when the screaming and yelling reached a certain inexplicible point, I began using my fingernails to cut myself. All over. I look back now, and it is so confusing, yet it was real, POWERFULLY real.
June-ish, the yelling turned to my daughter. I quickly jumped to her defense. After he yelled at me for an hour or so, I found her in her room hiding under her desk. Unacceptable. I began to pack. He told the three of us to get the fu*k out. I drove for hours trying to pull myself together and figure out where to go. I was so ashamed. We hid for the next several months, he always found us. I was fired from my new job because he would come and pace around outside.
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I am writing this, because at that time, you guys were very important to me. Though I did not make contact, I hoped somehow you could help me ~ help us. I hurt so badly for what happened to him, and I hurt so badly for what happened to each of you. I wish you all goodness, whatever that is for you.
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Father's Day was last weekend. I can't help to think of Powerful Attitude. I loved him, and I wanted to be there when he made it through all of the "Hidden Memories". I was not as powerful, just powerful enough to leave.
I look back at these posts when he was raving and wow. Just to clarify, he was on drugs at that time, I suspect speed. He has not seen the kids in over a year and a half. He has not held down a "real" job. He has not been well. It was me who asked him what the name of that place was.
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Not sure what made me get on this website tonight, but here I am. During that time, there are several of you that I wanted to find. I wanted to call you and tell you what was happening in my home. I wanted someone to understand (or try to understand). I wanted someone to make me laugh. (Some of you guys would crack me up, even if it was about my husband.) I never spoke to you then, but you were my friends.
