@--MorganYachtSurvivor78
Forgive my writting this Morning, I have a 22lb Maine Coon in my lap. She makes writting and re-writing next to impossible. She doesnt understand that I have things to say, which require my hands. She believes my hands were designed to show her love, compassion and the attention she so richly deserves. Perhaps in her own way she is diverting my attention from the past of Straight Inc. Perhaps in her own loving way she is telling me I have had an emotionally exhausting week and I need distance from that which stirs up the haunting memories that engage a vast majority of my own thought process. I love my Maine Coons, all three! Yet they do not understand that I have what I feel is a massive priority, reaching out to other Survivors. Your post screams for my attention, not that I have answers that would bring absolute understanding...but perhaps I can shed a little insight that may only lead to deeper questions.
You wrote "I wonder as I read through this board why are survivors so negative toward each other? Instead of being like Vietnam Vets that have a close bond, unbreakable because they went through hell together, it seems as if many survivors are out to hurt, confront, mistrust and at times even turn against their fellow survivor."
Many, if not most of us spent many years avoiding any notion of Straight Inc. The memories, the nightmares, the stigmatic misuse of shame and humiliation kept our secrets well hidden if only from those outside our own skins. Then a day comes and we have an unexplicble need to Google Straight Inc. maybe seeking VALIDATION, perhaps to see what ever become of the hell hole we knew as "the building".Perhaps its to initiate contact with others with whom we had created some sort of bond. Yet, for what ever the reason is once on Google or whatever, we hit the ENTER key and we find hords of information, personal sites, boards like this one and others. We see pictures of former Staff, Executive Staff. We certainly find more information we had bargained for. Many of us for weeks after that are transfixed, dare I say obsessed in reading story after story, each one more intriguing than the one before.
Like yourself, I am a Milton Roy and Morgan Yacht building Survivor. I know for me it is 30+ years now, and your 30 year mark is not far behind. Three decades has an effect of calming for us. But think back to 10 years after the fact, 15 years after the fact, 20 years after the fact. Speaking for myself, I was angry, enraged...my family (blood relatives) were estranged still because of Straight Inc. At that time, there were no open forums for us to gather and spew our venimious rage. Had that been the case 15-20 years ago, my anger, would have been along militant status. I would have engaged in many many many more cases of lashing out, locking horns, bashing individuals that did not share my common hatred towards Straight Inc. I felt robbed of my youth, my teen years were stolen from me. My peacefull, laid back demeanor was taken from me by an era of mental, emotional and physical violence. So yes, I was angry and felt entitled to be so.
Now consider Straight Inc continiung for almost another 20 years, Consider that Miller Newton had taken over. When Miler arrived Straight Inc had already sown the seeds of mistrust, fear and anger with in just about all of us. Miller had all the ingrediants for his volent, twisted tryanny. Consider the thousands of lives he scared,the families virtually destroyed at his whim.
Straight Inc. did not get any better after you and I left, graduated, 7th Steped, Commenced or what ever. If anything the dynamics of Straight Inc changed for the worse, in a most violent manner.Sure, we had no nutrionist, we existed on balogna, swimmers, Orange Juice and Milk with ice in it. We, had no education while locked up. There were no "professionals" on staff. We were the unwilling, lead by the unknowing. There were no clear objectives and no clear methods of achieving them aside from a bastardized version of the 12 steps. The feeling was that of utter hopelessness. Oh, to be sure, there were "splits" and people were tackled as they went for the door. There was a time when the entire back row of chairs were filled with kids and 5 gallon buckets to hurl thier guts out into...Did you ever recieve a Dr's examination? In short, our time in the Morgan Yacht Building sucked, there is no denying that.
But know this, it got worse...much worse.
To survive Straight Inc. meant simply attack, or be attacked. This behaviour was ingrained so deeply in us and sooo many others that it isnt difficult to see that many of us still behave, think and act in such a dreadful manner. Of course, the indoctrination of violence doesnt excuse our actions today, but it should explain it beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is not to say it makes it ok to attack another for variances of opinion. It is not my intent to excuse, but to explain...with explaination comes understanding, with understanding, comes acceptance.
Vietnam Vets differ from us slightly, your correct, there is much less annimosity between Vets in general. But I would not say that they are not angry...for they are. But they do not attack each other as we do. The reasoning is simple....They were not trained to shred each other apart as we were.
Ya also mentioned "we have a choice to either treat each other as we did in group or to have a bond that is unbreakable. It really is our choice. Didn't we all suffer enough in there? Isn't division what the Sembler’s and others would want?"
Well, we have a bond, a similarity.I see it as undeniable more so than unbreakable. Because the cold reality is, we wil break our bonds time and time again. That is the similarity we share. I dont mean to imply that I enjoy or support this, but from my experiance and observation....it's just fact. You ask if this division is what the Semblers want. No. Quiet frankly, the Semblers dont give a fat rats ass about us. Mel made his $$$, made his appointment as ambassadorship to Australia and Italy...why would he give a shit what we do now? Betty Sembler has dismissed us all by stating "You simple need to get over it and get a life."
On these boards, I have seen and particapated in the very things you write about. I wish I hadnt in many instances, but i did, and my own shame for doing so is immense. My eyes left the prize and my emotions (which cant/wont be denied) took and has often taken over, leaving me to feel as a twit.
I also agree we as a "group" can create a bond "that won't quit"....despite outside or inside apearances we have that bond in place. It may not be the most cohesive bond ever known, but none the less, it is a bond. It is my choice to band together with this bond, despite our outburst now and again. There are estimates into the thousands of us that survived Straight Inc. I have come to recognize that despite our bickering and squabbling there is a force which compells us to gather here on the boards, to gather face to face, to met each other, to have weekends together, to protest together, to pull our minds and bodies together as one and let people know of the atrocities that have taken place and are taking place today.
I think your post and request for peace is noble and is not out of line! It would be sweet if the "older" ones, such as yourself, myself and several others could come together and set the example that you allude to. You just did! I am doing so by supporting your noble quest. I also consider it a obligation to those that came after us, to reach out, encourage peace, encourage civility, generate a millieu of healing, And to that end, I do so (best I can at any given moment). It is my wish that you would become a fixture here and join with us that think as we do. Join us at "Gatherings", "Protests" and "Vigils" (for those that did not survive), be an active part of the good, despite what is being said in the boards, regardless of who is fighting with whom. Do what is right, for ourselves, for the others that sit in blue chairs today under the tyranny of unscrupulious individuals.
Your plea for peace has not gone unheard, or unnoticed. I applaud you for making the plea known but once again. I sincerly wish, if only for myself, that we could come together in Peace, both in face to face (which is not uncommon) and here on the boards. The likelyhood of that hapening today is less than likely, but with evey interjection of Peace we will undoubtably come closer and closer to that aim.
Your post is so rich, I have read and re-read it several times now. Each paragraph is worthy of further discussion and examination. I have found nothing with which to disagree upon. Our age may have much to do with it, this call for Peace. Speaking for myself, I am too old for much of this shit and I often refuse to engage...other times, I will draw upon the depth of my being to convey to another, I know your mad, you have every right to be angy at the injustice you endured, knowing full well Peace is the farthest thing on thier minds at that particular time. And yes, encouraging peace is like esposing your throat to someone with a knife, a vulnerable feeling. But I have found the most growth during that state of vulnerablity. Despite my fears, I write of Peace and have never been attacked for it. The "F" word (forgiveness) well, that doesnt always go over real well and the reason for that I believe, is that I have my own issues with the "F" word and people can sense that. But Peace, is something I think we can universally agree upon as a traight we all wish and strive for. I have said before and it is always worth saying again. Peace is not only possible, but inevitable. Einstien said that one can not simultaniously have Peace and prepair for war, there is so much truth to that.
Undoing the "Left over Brainwashing" is a tricky slippery and sometimes treacherious path. Most of the struggle is tween our own ears. I say this because I think part of the brainwashing took hold in my brain, other parts of the brainwashing never was able to get a foot hold. What is left today is the non-brainwashed aspect of my brain struggling, fighting the brainwashed aspect of my brain...one can imagine the friction. Where else can I allow that friction to release the heat....HERE. For as you said, we are the only ones that understands. My wife, nope...no matter how many times I try to explain, her eyes glaze over. My Dr., nope. My friends, not them either. They all want to understand, they all want to see what it is I am speaking of, but despite thier well wishes and good intentions, they simple will never get it. So there is no other place for me to vent, but with other SURVIVORS. Sadly, as is often the case I havent vented with other survivors, but at them...much to my chagrin. So, just because I am one of the older ones on these boards, doesnt uniquely qualify me as an example to follow. Just the same, that is no reason for me to discontinue my efforts towards that Peace.
My house is beginning to stir, the wife is up and my beloved Maine Coons have all swarmed around her. They all wonder where Daddy is. That being said, I have to tend to my family now and tend to thier needs and desires. I am in hopes to read more from you in the near future. Please consider comming up with a moniker and registering so it is easier to follow your train of thought in the future. And once ya have done so, shoot me a PM. We were there at the same time, chances are I may recall your name and you, mine. If you live in the St.Pete area still, perhaps we can meet, there are others that still live in this area, nothing seems to have brought me VALIDATION as when meeting another Survivor.
Much Healing
Much Peace
Woof
AKA: Mr.D (a pet name my parents had for me, forever basterdized by Straight Inc.)
