Author Topic: Painfully Unaware Up Until Now............  (Read 419 times)

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Offline 85 Day Jerk

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Painfully Unaware Up Until Now............
« on: April 30, 2009, 11:22:09 PM »
One of the worst and most insidious effects of the Straight Program was what I guess you could call the HIVE MENTALITY.
At least for me, and the people I was at Morgan Yacht with, we tended to think alike, talk alike, feel alike, and act alike.
I got so used to this being the norm, that I carried it with me ( sometimes with disastrous results) way longer than any sane and rational person would have long after I left Straight.  My own personality was so thoroughly destroyed that I never acted for ME.  Instead I was just a mindless drone that acted on what I was programmed to do.

My twenties and early thirties are a dull and fog enshrouded mystery to me mostly.  At least I have photos of that time.
Had I not been fortunate enough to have lived in the same apartment building for 14 years, I honestly think I would have killed myself or done something so severely crazy that I would still be either in jail or Chattahoochie.  When I first came onto the board, I had just gone through a crushing defeat career wise and yet was under the hypnotic effect of smooth sailing brought about by a sucessful awarding of Disability Benefits.  For the first time in decades, I was taking it easy.
In an unconcious way, I began to view the world in the same way that I had done as a teenager.  I had no more worries, no hassles or pressures, it was like I was 17 all over again, and psychologically speaking, that's just about where my mind was.

It is no wonder that I came across as a goody two shoes wet blanket to alot of people.  I had no idea that I was doing it or acting like I had just 7 stepped either, and what's worse, in my own mind I actually thought the people I ran into on the boards and at the Conference felt pretty much the same way that I did about everything.  That could not have been farther from the truth.  I never had a relationship with my father or stepmother.  Absolutely none.  I did'nt know how to lie or steal from them.  I sure as shit did not know how to manipulate them, so basically I was their puppet, and later as a young adult in the workplace, I became a puppet for corporate gains.  EMDR therapy taught me just enough to get me into the next millenium fairly intact and even a little ahead in life.  I guess a lot of what's causing this act of reflecting comes from the age that I am now.  I never thought that forty six would feel like this.

I spent much of the weekend going over my 500 or so posts since July of 2003 and in those 6 years I made alot of friends and pissed off an equal number of others.  We had our ups and downs, and yet the forum has still survived.  I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, nor can I expect others to still be the way I last remembered them to be.  That which does not evolve tends to stagnate, and that which stagnates grows old much faster.  Sure, it would be easy to change my user name and post things like its all over and swell and peachy keen, but that would be too easy.  I am gonna remain the 85 Day Jerk and folks are just gonna have to notice the change.  Looking over my old posts, I was so dissillusioned, so out of touch, I must have come across like some kinda asshole, like them old "pops" who used to sit in the Emerald Lounge on Central Ave sipping beer and wine all afternoon until they don't realize the sun has gone down and the young ones are coming in from work and really don't have time for them.  They/We really were'nt there to listen to their "war stories" and our respect for them wore thin when they would get up and stagger to the rest rooms.  We just wanted to get our buzz on and quite frankly, we resented their presence.  I am still the same old Bob, and yet I am not.  I guess you could say I am running on a new operating system and we'll just have to see if it is any better than the old one was. :cheers:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Inside a warehouse behind Tyrone Mall
we walked in darkness, kept hitting the wall.
I took the time to feel for the door,
I had been \"treated\" but what the hell for?

Offline Deprogrammed

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Re: Painfully Unaware Up Until Now............
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2009, 02:45:40 PM »
Good for ye!
Go Bob!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Froderik

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Re: Painfully Unaware Up Until Now............
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2009, 07:44:16 PM »
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Woof-a-Doof

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Re: Painfully Unaware Up Until Now............
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2009, 03:42:16 PM »
First and foremost...Welcome back! Long time, no see, and all that.

Obviously, perhaps only to you and I, we have long history. It would be inacurate if I were to imply I know "all about" you, yet I think it fair to say I do recall the earlier times you mentioned.

The "Hive Mentality"...Hmmm, yeah ok, I think the term points to how we behaved and perhaps the way were percieved.

How we were percieved....Well, I remember the days/months leading up to January 21st 1978. I was usually found in "the field" ( a large grassy area, about 2 acre's on south west corner of Boca Ciega HS's property). I spent every day in "the field" hucking a huge Whamoo frisbe. Seems the school sent a letter (unbeknownest to me) to my parents. This was the final straw that got me incarcerated. I was a beach bum, sand rat, whatever.

Yeah, I had smoked weed here and there. yet that was not the reason or motavation in my parents descion to incarcerate me. (I know 'incarcerate' is a strong word, use the word "warehoused" as a substitute) I skipped school and was told I had a bad attitude.

I digress...Whilst in "the field" and roaming about Boca Ciega HS, I saw the "straightlings". The "straightlings" stuck out like soar thumbs. I found them most odd...aloof...cold...robotic. I can't remember if I asked or if I was told about the "straightlings", doesn't matter. I recall being horrified.

I am not really sure of what horrified me the most, as there were many facets to these "straightlings". These facets of behaviours formed very sharp corners in thier personalities. My personality pre-Straight Inc daze, was docile, non-violent, laid-back. I suspect that subconciously I feared losing my personality, which I was growing into.

I also feared the "building" during those pre-Straight Inc. daze. From Park Street it looked like a factory...visions of child labor filled my thoughts all the time. Then hearing the stories. Were they true? They couldn't do that, could they? Some how "straightlings" and "the building" seemed surreal to me at the time...maybe a "plant" know, political strategy to disrupt the peacefull flow of the schools community. Or worse...the "straightlings" were known to be NARCS.

Needn't explain what a NARC means to a frisbee throwing teenager. NARCS are hated and feared and generally considered a piece of shit. Who in thier right mind would wanna be a "straightling" when ya factor in the oddity of the personality, the fear of becoming something far removed from what I thought myself to be then and now consider my personality to be?

And so that is how I recall how we were percieved, 30+ years ago.

It has been a few days since I began this reponce and I want to address this statement ya made..."It is no wonder that I came across as a goody two shoes wet blanket to alot of people. I had no idea that I was doing it or acting like I had just 7 stepped either, and what's worse, in my own mind I actually thought the people I ran into on the boards and at the Conference felt pretty much the same way that I did about everything. That could not have been farther from the truth"

Well, it's good to recognise that as individuals we all percieve things differently. We then act differently according to our perception. One can not help but acting in responce to thier perception of thier surroundings externaly, internally and here digitally. I hear and read alot about "Celebrating Diversity". It is a noble idea, but never really seems to develop an interest tween my own two ears. Society considers itself to be evolveing to the point where we can now "Celebrate"'

Yet isn't that putting the cart before the horse, in a manner of speaking? We dont even understand our "Diversity"...and to boot it's all we can do to even tolerate "Diversity". As it has taken many thousands of years to get where we are today and we probably grew more in the last 100 years than in last 10, 000 years. And the expection that we grow as fast as a society and as individuals....Is really asking alot! Bringing that expectation down to a reality, it would have to at the individual level..yeah, a personal effort.

Narrowing down to our microcosmic if not marginalized sector of a unique aspect of society. Counter Culture. I do belive we as "Straight Inc. Survivors" by in large is the cement that set so long ago with the words scrawled acoss ever square inch was writen FUCKED...FUBAR...DAMAGED GOODS...WALKING WOUNDED (feel free to insert your own expletives and or acronyms)

I personally insist that I heal from those deeply inbeded scares that Staight Inc. left on me so long ago! And I reach out to those that recognize the need for healing and to be fair, those that dont recognize the need for healing as well. As "Diverse" a group as we were then, we are certainly that now! Before we "Celebrate" it may be prudent to 'understand' and 'tolerate' that "Diversity". Would it kill me if I muster up an ounce of good will towards those on the boards that I steer away from? Really, what harm would it do if I were to sit qietly and wish  person-x is well, that person-x is safe, that person-x is prosperious, that person-x is healing and happy...whats the harm in that? No harm actually, it might well do me good as a person to genuinely mean the words I just wrote. However, there is resistance. Not always, but enuff to know that chances are I won't practice those words uless I counciously make the effort to overcome the resistance to actually do something that may well benifit ME...Gawd,  how fucked up is that?

And ya know I ain't gonna change my name and candy coat alot of dog shit either! I am that which I am and I am that. Of course I can have my profound moments, more so I live with the Tao of DUH! Hence the name WOOF-A-DOOF. Eytmologicaly: Latin- Wufus-a-Dufus) Point is...So what Bob? It's ok! When I see or hear someone going on about how wonderfull live has been since Straight Inc. I just think that person has not re-cognised the need for healing. Not good or bad....right or wrong....Idiot nor Douche Bag.

We all got whacked with the same rock. Some were more profoundly effected than others yeah, no doubt. But there is room for all of us and I am much more comfortable when we can operate with an attitude of inclusion rather than exclusion. As you said "I am the same old Bob, and yet I am not" exactly!  Dave is my name , and what I am is two different things. You may now be on 85 Day Jerk v.15 with service pack 4. So what? What you do, what you call yourself is not who you are. You are more than you think yourself to be...beyond your traights, your wittiness, your thoughtfullnes, beyond your mental and physical limitations. Ya may think, and I may sound crazy...but ask your self who you really are. Find out! Once you know, I implore you to show me the limitations! Aside from sounding crazy, arnt you, me....any one of us, worthy of self-investigation?

I say yes.

I wish you much Peace
and Healing.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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