Author Topic: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation  (Read 1860 times)

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Offline wonderwoman2112

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Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« on: April 05, 2009, 03:43:08 PM »
Hello to all---I recently posted on the Open Free For All forum. Boy, what a mistake that was!!!!  After searching the site, I found this forum that is moderated and I would like to re-post here in hopes of getting some genuine help.  If you feel the need to berate me, please do so on the Open Free For all forum.  I am truly looking for some help. Here is my original post:

Hi to all---I am tying to help my daughter find the right path and we are just so stuck. She is 18 and did not finish high school, although the plan is for her to get her GED in the next month. She has certainly had a non-traditional teenage experience---wilderness (which she loved, by the way), TBS (which she hated and didn't finish), living on her own at age 17 and working to support herself. She moved back home with us 6 months ago, but she has not been able to move forward in any positive direction. She is very "artsy" and has always wanted to go to art school. She had begun a portfolio 2 yrs ago, and although small, it is good. She really does want to go to college, but the whole "h.s dropout" thing is a huge regret of hers and I think she is really scared to even try for fear of rejection. I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and found community colleges, art schools, or even traditional colleges that embraced your non-traditional path. She will need a fairly nurturing and supportive environment as she needs a lot of positive reinforcement. I would be so thankful for any thoughts any of you might share. THANK YOU!!!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline FemanonFatal2.0

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2009, 03:58:37 PM »
Im sorry Im not gonna answer you twice. as well, just because this forum claims to be moderated wont stop people from insulting you for your choice to send your kid to a program. not sure if you noticed but this forum is frequented by anti program people and even the mods of this sub forum would bash you for your decisions. If anything YOU would be considered the troll.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Oscar

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2009, 05:25:47 PM »
As I have posted in the other thread, I believe that the fact that she had problems taking a high school degree and also failed to move forward are caused by her suffering for a form of PTSD as result of her stay at the TBS.

I have not attended a high school in the states but having a businesses degree I know a little about student culture in several countries. She is institutionalized and will function well in a restricted environment. But both high school and college are not restricted enough.

PTSD is difficult to heal. She needs to snap out of it and she cannot be forced. It has to be her doing.

That's why I suggested to give her a stay in an safe environment where people of all agegroups collect successes in another culture.

If you insist of pushing her and stressing her after she has taken the GED without giving her a out of the box experience, I fear that she is set up to fail.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline wonderwoman2112

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2009, 07:21:28 PM »
Quote from: "FemanonFatal2.0"
Im sorry Im not gonna answer you twice. as well, just because this forum claims to be moderated wont stop people from insulting you for your choice to send your kid to a program. not sure if you noticed but this forum is frequented by anti program people and even the mods of this sub forum would bash you for your decisions. If anything YOU would be considered the troll.

You "bashers" have nothing to offer other than just that---bashing.  There are thousands of parents out there, myself one, who got suckered into the whole TBS thing and regret it mightily.  So how do we get past it and help our kids now if the only responses we get are condemnations.  It's ya'll that don't have these kids well-being at heart---you just want to bash away at Mom and Dad. Well, Mom and Dad are painfully aware of the mistakes they made. It's obvious you have no true feeling for the kids involved, or else you would offer constructive advice.
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Offline inc

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2009, 07:36:25 PM »
[quote="I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and found community colleges, art schools, or even traditional colleges that embraced your non-traditional path. She will need a fairly nurturing and supportive environment as she needs a lot of positive reinforcement. I would be so thankful for any thoughts any of you might share. THANK YOU!!![/quote]

This seems to be the only question in your post. I don't know where you live, but this forum is viewed by people from all over the world - are you really going to ship your kid off to another "supportive environment" suggested by a stranger on a forum? If you seriously want to help your child, I would suggest letting her discover her own path in life, the school she wants to go to, etc... and supporting her on her decision. If you are genuine about wanting to help your daughter, I would also suggest spending quality time with her, rather than talking about her on a forum with people who have been through hell in programs that you seem to regard with a lighthearted attitude.
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Offline Antigen

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2009, 08:03:27 PM »
Hey, Wonderwoman, you're the grownup now. Gage the responses against that.  Most of us were children when this happened to us and we're responding from that place still.

Get your baby out of this mess.

Nuff sed.

Peace
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Offline wonderwoman2112

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2009, 11:20:36 PM »
Hey Antigen---I'm trying and that's what this post is all about.
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Offline Oscar

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2009, 12:49:15 AM »
We have agents on conductdisorders.com, which are a parent-forum. While they tend to overmedicate, many of them have come to the same conclusion. The TBS became warehousing. Some of them think that it kept their kids alive through a dangerous phase and the matureness gained during the program will see to that they will avoid death.

Some if you scan their "Parent Emeritus" forum, you will discover that some of them have no contact for years and other are following their adult kids to jail - time after time after time until the kid him- or her-self turn around.

Many of them have been forced to accept that a drug problem cannot be solved until the drug-user decide it is time.

So we have also tried to find out how the best approach to the world is after being locked up. Not because we have TBS's in Denmark, but we do have Afghanistan. The soldiers - many of them 18 to 20 years of age - return home suffering from PTSD. We now know that if you cut a person off from the real world and place them in a non-normal environment like a war-zone or a wilderness program or a TBS, there is a risk of PTSD.

We have learned that people returning home from an intense environment have to go through a transition-phase before entering the normal world. They also need free access to counseling for a number of years. An intense environment can be a war-zone where you can be shot but it can also be a program where there is opened a 6 lane highway into the darkest corners of the human mind. In a non-professional group therapy session which is the norm in most TBS's due to the cost of qualified staff, real damage can be inflicted because the normal psychological shield we all have are forced away during the lower levels, so the patients are vulnerable.

You have to go back to when she was released from the TBS. What did she or you do beside writing a home contract? Did you go to counseling? Did you shield her from most of the daily decisions other youth have to decide on? A TBS is a kind of operant conditioning chamber. The choices are few so she could concentrate on solving her problem guided by the staff outside the chamber. If you suddenly release people from such a box after a lenghty period what then.

We keep our soldiers in a camp in Denmark for a month when they return where their families can visit them any time. We have improved our communication with family while abroad. They have access to support-hotlines for the rest of their lives. We do a number of things, but still they turn up as criminals or are found dead. We are still in a process to learn, so I have not the golden solution to your problem.

But I feel that you have skipped the adjustment phase when she returned home. She need an out-of-the-box experience in an environment open and supportive, but at some distance from the temptation she is poorly equipped to handle.

That is the reason for my suggestion to her future so she is ready to go to art college, once she return.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline psy

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2009, 03:47:42 AM »
Quote from: "wonderwoman2112"
Hello to all---I recently posted on the Open Free For All forum. Boy, what a mistake that was!!!!  After searching the site, I found this forum that is moderated and I would like to re-post here in hopes of getting some genuine help.  If you feel the need to berate me, please do so on the Open Free For all forum.  I am truly looking for some help. Here is my original post:

Hi to all---I am tying to help my daughter find the right path and we are just so stuck. She is 18 and did not finish high school, although the plan is for her to get her GED in the next month. She has certainly had a non-traditional teenage experience---wilderness (which she loved, by the way), TBS (which she hated and didn't finish), living on her own at age 17 and working to support herself. She moved back home with us 6 months ago, but she has not been able to move forward in any positive direction. She is very "artsy" and has always wanted to go to art school. She had begun a portfolio 2 yrs ago, and although small, it is good. She really does want to go to college, but the whole "h.s dropout" thing is a huge regret of hers and I think she is really scared to even try for fear of rejection. I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and found community colleges, art schools, or even traditional colleges that embraced your non-traditional path. She will need a fairly nurturing and supportive environment as she needs a lot of positive reinforcement. I would be so thankful for any thoughts any of you might share. THANK YOU!!!

Well.  After getting the GED, she could get into some techincal college like ECPI after which she could go onto a better college for her batchelor's.

About her feelings about the program...  that's common.  I would continue to try to encourage her and emphasize that she's not a failure just because she made some mistakes.  Life is about making mistakes and learning from them.

PS: You'll have to forgive the locals.  They can be harsh with parents at first.
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Offline psy

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2009, 03:50:18 AM »
Quote from: "FemanonFatal2.0"
not sure if you noticed but this forum is frequented by anti program people

and lots and lots of others

Quote
even the mods of this sub forum would bash you for your decisions.

That's not true.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Benchmark Young Adult School - bad place [archive.org link]
Sue Scheff Truth - Blog on Sue Scheff
"Our services are free; we do not make a profit. Parents of troubled teens ourselves, PURE strives to create a safe haven of truth and reality." - Sue Scheff - August 13th, 2007 (fukkin surreal)

Offline Che Gookin

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2009, 06:43:09 AM »
I'd be real upfront with her and treat like the adult she happens to be. I'd tell her she has the choice of getting into school full time or going to work full time if she wants to stay at home.

I know you feel guilt about your daughter in a program but keeping her around the house longer isn't going to help her out any. I'm not advising you leave her homeless either. Find a happy middle ground an ease her out of the house and let her go. It sounds to me like the real problem here isn't her but you.

I know.. odd.. she's the one without a job and is planning on getting a GED, and the problem is you?

Well think of it this way... First and foremost she's a human being. Stop looking at her like she's a victim. If you keep looking at her like she's a victim you'll keep treating her like she incapable of accomplishing anything on her own. Sure being in a TBS probably didn't help but many people on this forums have gotten jobs, gotten college degrees, and have families after getting out of a TBS.

We have one story about a program veteran who escaped from Peninsula Village(a hellish place) and is now married with a family and has finished college.

Keep in mind two things though:

1) She is your daughter and like all daughters she will need a great deal of encouragement and love.
2) When discussing this with her you do not need to resort to making ultimatums. I suggest taking the time to talk to her and getting her to make her own plans. Tell her that no matter what you'll be her mum, but in the end she has a life to live. You'll need to help her out with that, but she definitely needs to live it on her own.

let the girl go..

It'll be tough for her at first, but that is your job to help her along the way.
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Offline Deprogrammed

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Re: Mom of H.S. dropout needs help, not condemnation
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2009, 02:10:26 PM »
Quote from: "FemanonFatal2.0"
Im sorry Im not gonna answer you twice. as well, just because this forum claims to be moderated wont stop people from insulting you for your choice to send your kid to a program. not sure if you noticed but this forum is frequented by anti program people and even the mods of this sub forum would bash you for your decisions. If anything YOU would be considered the troll.

Easy, cowgirl!

-DP :timeout:
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