RIP

[Anonymous]

I just connected to some old peers at CEDU.  Inquired about a guy I used to know.... he was sort of a haven in the storm in terms of his easy demeanor. Nope, he wasn't one of those batshit crazy power hungry bullies.  But now he is dead. Heroin, it seems. Not what I expected to hear.

So, if you stick with the program you won't be deadinsaneoninjail?  Funny, that.  'Cause from where I stand, it's the other way around.

RIP, Tim.

[Awake]

Very recently I discovered one of my best friends from Cedu died from a heroin overdose as well. Also one of my best friends from bfore Cedu who was sent to RMA became a heroin addict, in and out of the legal system. Both of them were (are) the nicest and friendliest, and most caring people I could ever imagine. It is evidence of the failure of these programs..#1. But in my opinion it is more than that.

When you go into an altered state, you transfer into right brain (associated with a heightened emotional state), it results in the internal release of the body's own opiates: enkephalins and Beta-endorphins, chemically almost identical to opium.

The backbone of Cedu was that the "real you" was feeling. On a daily basis they were throwing our issues in our faces, backing us into a corner, coralling us into an emotional state. On the level of brain chemistry that is no different than shooting up. They encouraged an addictive habit of going into an emotional catharsis (doing work) that released these chemical resposes from the brain, a defense mechanism against threat to make you feel better. Without the social environment to encourage that emotional response it makes alot of sense that heroin would be the best replacement. I blame the program for creating the addiction, and my heart goes out to everyone affected.

[shanlea]

That explanation makes so much sense to me...  it explains more than opiate addiction. Remember how we discussed coming out of CEDU and not making connections to people because we became habituated to these intensely contrived, "transcendent" experiences?  Everything/everyone else seemed hollow and shallow by comparison?   But really, they were living the reality of day to day life, and we were living in this maesltrom of psychodynamic mania.  Without consciously realizing it, we wandered and sought a duplicate high of parallel proportion to our CEDU experiences.  It wasn't healthy. And it wasn't even pleasurable, but somehow, it was like looking for a "fix."  And there would be no fix because nothing could satisfy it... and you end up angry and disconnected and frustrated wondering what's wrong with you? but the truth is you came to crave something that can't be found...because it was never authentic to begin with...

[Anonymous]

I think that is basically correct. I remember leaving, traveling all over the country to see my cedu friends only to find they were nothing like I expected, and feeling like all my old friendships from bfore cedu were fake and bullshit. Then, once my efforts didn't return that expectation (and I did pour out an abnormal amount of "openness and honesty"), I became severly disillusioned about friendships altogether and sought out "easy" shallow friendships that would not call me out for bad actions. That weird feeling of alienation combined with the cyclical negative judgements that were the promoted habit at Cedu made using drugs that much more desireable. Not to mention Cedu actually exposed me to all the hard drugs I had never done, from staff and students disclosures etc. Hell, if you make a mistake you might as well be a drug addict right? Isn't that the philosophy? Lucky for me I did somehow have some sort of internal belief/boundary in which I knew heroin and meth were just not an option... otherwise I would surely not be writing this now. Speaking of which, what is wrong with that? Isn't there something wrong with that perception that drugs are to be universally referred to under that banner?, all drugs are bad and you will die. Virtually everyone will smoke pot at some point and find out it is not deadly. What does that say to the youth? It says that the parents/authority that promote that message are wrong. And if they are wrong then they must be wrong about what they say about all drugs, so then it must be ok to do heroin. Why won't they get it through their heads that a line like that can't be drawn without encouraging  distorted view of reality? Pot is not the same as heroin or meth, yet that is the message they send that gets through to their children. Ok, just rambling now, but seriously.....

[joethebadass]

That explanation makes so much sense to me...  it explains more than opiate addiction. Remember how we discussed coming out of CEDU and not making connections to people because we became habituated to these intensely contrived, "transcendent" experiences?  Everything/everyone else seemed hollow and shallow by comparison?   But really, they were living the reality of day to day life, and we were living in this maesltrom of psychodynamic mania.  Without consciously realizing it, we wandered and sought a duplicate high of parallel proportion to our CEDU experiences.  It wasn't healthy. And it wasn't even pleasurable, but somehow, it was like looking for a "fix."  And there would be no fix because nothing could satisfy it... and you end up angry and disconnected and frustrated wondering what's wrong with you? but the truth is you came to crave something that can't be found...because it was never authentic to begin with...

I know that whenever I would go into group at Mount Bachelor I was just worried about covering my ass all costs. Looking back on it, I was using my basic reptilian survival brain - the limbic brain, the same part of the brain primarily pricked by drugs. The "lifestep high" was very often discussed, I believe, as if it was an actual high, by the staff and students. I never understood it until I actually facilitated a lifestep. It's gets you fucked up, it really does!

The sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion and just the intense forced emotional catharsis that being in such a stressful situation creates all combines to create a volatile situation in which, I contend, people's judgement is severely impaired.
 
Along a similar vein - I've heard of LSD being used therapeutically with "troubled teens" with a fairly high rate of success. Hell, if we're willing to try this shit, then why not?

[Anonymous]

I understand that a really cool kid died in 1981?  Steven Goodyear died while driving his car down from Running Springs into San Bernardino.  And, that they named a garden from him out at the farm.

That sucks bad.  He was a nice kid.

John Padgett died - so what?
Carmen Earle died - not sure if that's true - but so what?
Danille Allgood died - good!
A nice female counselor named "Mare" died.  She worked Running Springs.  I liked her, and sorry she passed.
 :soapbox:

[try another castle]

Very recently I discovered one of my best friends from Cedu died from a heroin overdose as well.  Also one of my best friends from bfore Cedu who was sent to RMA became a heroin addict, in and out of the legal system.

This kind of thing makes me wonder if there is an unusually high percentage of heroin related deaths with cedu alum.


Maybe this is just coincidence, but synanon was basically started to "treat" only one kind of addiction: heroin. Most of the people who went there at first were hard-core heroin addicts. There were no "square gamers".

I also recall an old-schooler from CEDU 70s that said that the place had a lot of truly hardened addicts. Just like Chuck's place.

As opposed to when I was there, where most kids had maybe tried a few drugs, but not too many.


Hell, man. I hadn't done *any* before I went to RMA. My mom was shocked when I told her I had never even smoked pot when I was in high school.


As for my drug habits now?

*takes a bong hit*  :rasta:

[Anonymous]

I have noticed the heroin overdose trend as well.  It could be the basic concept of troubled people using drugs to escape, but I think there is more to it when it comes to former CEDU students.

Before my time at RMA (I graduated in 95) my experience with drug use was limited to smoking pot a few times.  I was never really into drugs because I wasn't exposed to them much and had been taught (rightly) that drugs were dangerous.

Flash forward to post-RMA.  I went straight from graduation to my freshman year at college.  Unfortunately, I thought that I could still function like I did at RMA in that environment.  Not suprisingly, this was a complete failure and I found myself back at home in a local college the following year.  I certainly suffered from a void after RMA.  I had trouble identifying with my peers (was I weird - or were they?) and I did find myself trying to reproduce the "glow" of being in touch with myself - "full" as CEDU mythology would put it.

Years went by and I just maintained.  I had a decent job and was getting along alright with my folks.  I was slowly learning to ratchet down my "uber-confrontational" behavior which was prized at RMA but was clearly over aggressive in the "real world".  Still there was a lot missing, primarily that "reward" glow .  It wasn't a conscious craving, but it was definately there.

Then I had a health problem which caused me to be prescribed opiate pain medication (hydrocodone, oxycodone).  The first time I took it I felt the flood of endorphins and "good feelings" that I was craving.  From then on I was intent on having an ample supply of this at all times.  I managed to keep it under control for years, but it eventually spiralled out of control and led me into treatment.

Only in the last year or so have I realized that what I got out of opiates may have been what I had been seeking sense being released from RMA's world.  I do agree with the previous poster in that I can't help but wonder if the brain is getting the same rush of endorphins from opiates that it got when the screaming ended, the pleasant songs began and you were "in touch with yourself "(think leaving a hard rap or propheet).  I thought about this connection between the effect of opiates and those feelings well before I read or heard anyone else speak of it.

I do know of others who have died from opiate overdoses after leaving CEDU schools.  Then again I know plenty of people who have been through the CEDU ringer and just smoke pot on the weekends like everybody else.

It could just be a coincidence, but I think there's something to it.  It doesn't mean that we all aren't still responsible for the choices we make and the substances we use, but it sure makes you wonder.
 

[dishdutyfugitive]

Absolutely. It completely parrallels the drug/alcohol 'high' process.

We were hypersaturated in the intensity of that place.

Feelings were measured in hours.

It was a series of highs, lows and waiting in 4 hour blocks.

At any given time on any given day you were either in a high or low (or anticipatory state of the next high/low). At any given time on any given day you'd know exactly when your next high was going to be.

For example - on Sunday at 3pm you'd be coming into a low. Most of Sunday was over and the monday rap & work crew dread started to seep into your thoughts. You knew that in exactly 21 hours exactly where you would be (rap announcements at house around the pit) and the intense anxiety you were guaranteed to feel at that time (the high, the rush).

Feel free to substitute rap announcements with any of the following:
- getting blown away in raps
- raps in general (3 times a week. Each 4 hours long)
- propheets
- propheet raps
- monday morning meeting
- propheet warm ups
- propheet wrap ups
- etc. etc.

Just like when a junkie talks to his dealer and the dealer tells him to come by his place in 5 hours to score. All very neat and orderly. Up, up, up, down, down, down, up, up, up, down, down, down.

I'd imagine that in 10 years addiction specialists will have identified this segment of the population and it will finally be recognized for what it is. TBS generated post-program addiction.

[try another castle]

For example - on Sunday at 3pm you'd be coming into a low.

Well, mostly because you were coming down from your sugar rush earlier in the day from commissary. Mainlining screaming yellow zonkers and all.

Every time I hear a song by America, I can taste those sugary buttered fuckers in my mouth, and every time I see a box of those in the store, I hear America playing in my mind. For some reason, that was the sunday group du jour.

The only other band that gives me a  worse association is Bad Company, since it was the favorite band of this guy in college who tried to rape my roommate.

So yeah, America is pretty high up there.

As well as zonkers giving me a case of pukey-in-my-mouth every time I see a box. I'd rather be hooked on heroin.

[dishdutyfugitive]

For me it's those fucking bugles.

I Hate those fucking carbo cones. Everytime I'm in a weird city or a weird state and go into a grocery store and there they are. Fucking Bugles sitting up on the top shelf, next to the triscuits, just waiting to suck. I need to remind myself not to walk down the chips/snacks aisle in these towns. I'd like to see the CEO of Bugles crush up some bugles into a fine columbian dust and snort it with a modified bugle.

And while we're on RMA food - I fucking hate western family food services. That (almost) semi-truck would pull up every monday and provision the kitchen with a week's worth of animal grade substrates.

Bad company is very rapey.  Fuck those unwashed hippie heathen.