What about when you get to the point where you just don't care. Is that the solution? What happens after that? A loud BOOM in the head, splattering the remnants of the maggot infested quagmire? At least then someone will have to clean it up and they might even wonder who you were or talk about how messy it was compared to the last one they did...? At least that way you have some validation. What about when you get to the point where you just don't care. Is that the solution? What happens after that? A loud BOOM in the head, splattering the remnants of the maggot infested quagmire?
In essence I believe that to be the case, yes.
I realised one day a few years ago I had to give up hope…not so much the word, but the concept and practice of hope. As nature abhors a vacuum, soon to follow was an idea that said…It will be ok! I didn’t, rather, I don’t pretend to know “how” ‘it will be ok’…it was/is a knowing. When knowing, one simply knows and needn’t ask any further questions. That was my experience.
Abandoning hope seemed sacrilege and the circumstances leading to this dark place was not pleasant or was this decision a fancy ideation…it was more out of necessity. I was tired of being a victim. I made a well thought out change of reference tween my own two ears to stop waiting in any way shape or form on anything outside of my own senses. I realised no one was going to “come to the rescue” and make every thing right.
I also lowered my expectations of other people outside of basic respect, courtesy and even then it’s a stretch. My rage dropped to bursts of anger and over time those bursts of anger subsided to being pissed off. Being pissed off simmered down as well. Filling that void was a generalized malaise…depression; physically I even went thru changes. I was determined not to be a victim and the price I had to finally pay was a distinct numbing fear. All the ideas I held on to, the supra-structure of my life as I knew it, were tumbling down all around me. Concepts I clung to leaked like sieves. The fear was worst of all. I knew I had learned nothing in Straight Inc. Sure I thought, or felt like I could change the world, but as my friend Sam Kinison says, “I couldn’t change a tire in reality” On the other hand I had no other ideas…and those that were presented to me via books, Dr’s, religions, and especially churches I was exceptionally sceptical, so much that I gained little from them. What’s a poor guy to do…I just had a faith “it will all be ok”…without knowing how in any tangible or demonstrative manner. If it makes little if any sense to the reader, ya needn’t feel alone. It is something I do not understand in any logical, rational, reasonable or intellectual manner. Yet is my experience. Not something I can really say or articulate…or safely recommend. Especially when the original question involved the concept of caring…Hope to me has a greater implication than the word caring. And as I define the word caring, it falls under an umbella of hope.
I also heard that loud BOOM…was the sound of my head popping out of my ass and the sudden expulsion of fumes bottled up after about a quarter of a century of nauseous putrefying garbage nestled teen my ears. As with any bang grenade I was stunned, not knowing what to do or what direction I was leading. Yet the inexplicable “faith” persisted and yet In my heart of hearts I knew that any and all forms of hope are a lie, whether I conj our them up, or they are fed to me from outside sources.
What happens after that? My life has and continues to unfold with less and less effort. I wait on few people for less and less reasons…cept of my connects…you understand.
Also, happiness is no longer my life pursuit. Happiness is an emotion, like other emotions they are less than permanent and as such are easier to simple experience rather than strive to gain or avoid any of them. Comfort, pleasantries don’t seem like entitlements that infuriate me if the demands are not met.
This are all uncharted waters, deep and turbulent, not for the timid. As it was not taught, teaching is cumbersome, if not impossible. Knowing how I actively resisted any ideas from books, religions, people and especially churches...I understood how difficult it would be for others grasp what has become obvious to me. I believe firmly that the great snare to all great thought is the uncritical acceptance of irrational assumptions. Blaming douche bags for my unhappiness and expecting anything from these douch bags is a recipe for the desimation of my inner landscape. There are no reperations in my case.
Bad habits, those that involve hostility, justified or not toward others is something I am loosing taste for....perhaps its my age...too tired...would rather eat...smoke...boat...fish...work. And most of all, I would rather be happy than right.
Om Shanti
woof
