The Rap

[Awake]

THE RAP

The students filed in the room’s door and chose a seat among the circle of chairs. The mostly silent group sat with only a few murmers of conversation. They waited for Mann, one of the staff teamleaders, to join them and begin. The students sat in uncomfortable anticipation for the next minute or so before he entered and took the last seat. Mann looked around briefly and an overly friendly smile grew on his face. “Howz everybody doing.” His greeting was met with a less than enthusiastic response from the rest of the room. “Ok. Who wants to start.” Before the phrase exited his lips three hands shot up simultaneously, but just one voice got in before anyone else’s. “I need to talk”. Mann gave a nod to Michael who immediately got up and switched places with a girl, Michelle, on the opposite side of the circle. Upon sitting directly across from Dan he breathed a sigh. ”Ok Dan, you gotta stop breaking bans with me. You were breakin bans on dishes last night and in the dorm. I wanna talk with you but we’ll never get off bans if you keep doin this.” “When were you breakin bans in the dorm?” Mann injected this comment. “Well, he knocked my toothbrush off the…” “Don’t address me address him!” Mann cut off Michael in mid-sentence. Michael breathed another deep sigh and looked at Dan. “Last night you knocked my toothbrush off the sink and you kept handing it to me even though you knew we were on bans. I know you’re kind of new and we were kind of jokin around for a little bit, but I took my toothbrush and you still were breaking bans after I told you to stop. And you broke bans with me on dishes last night. I mean aren’t you sick of doing dishes? Just stop breaking bans ok?”  â€œWhy’re you breakin bans Dan!?” Dan rolled his eyes in an ‘are you serious’ kind of way. “What! I dropped his toothbrush and gave it to him!” “Oh Cmon!... your full of shit! What do you have to say to him Michael?” Taking Mann’s cue Michael began, “Alright all I’m sayin is you KNOW you’re breakin bans and I’m sick of dishes so stop breakin bans with me.” “Who’s your dormhead? Kevin right? Kevin what’s going on in your dorm? Where are you in this?” “I told them to stop breaking bans!” As Kevin made this statement another student, Bryan, got up and switched seats so he sat opposite of Kevin. “Yeah, that’s bullshit Kevin. I see you letting them break bans all the time. Every time I do laundry I see them breaking bans. Plus you guys ALL take longer than five minutes in the shower. My dorm is tight and I think all you guys are slackers. If someones late to house around the pit it’s usually from your room.” Mann’s voice entered. “Is that true Kevin?” “No! I’m always callin them on their shit.” “C’mon man, you know you let them get away with shit.” Bryan said blandly. “Dude that’s bullshit!” Kevin barely had time to yell this out before Mann interjected. “NO YOU’RE BULLSHIT! Tell you what! All three of you are on dishes tonight and Kevin you and I will talk after this is over! We’re movin on! Who else!?”
   Carol raised her hand. “Can I go.” “Ok what’s goin on with you?” Mann said this in a caring voice that changed almost instantly from the harsh one he’d just directed at Kevin. Carol immediately got up and exchanged her seat. Carol now sat across from an older student, Nicole. “So Nicole, I just wanted to say I was hoping you’d come sit with me on my table. You’re one of the only people allowed to sit with me that I really want to talk to and I’m bummed you haven’t come to see me lately.” Nicole smiled back. “I’m sorry. I miss seeing you around the house too. I promise I’ll come sit with you soon.” “What else is goin on Carol?” Mann’s inquisition pinned Carols’ mind. “Well, I guess I’m feeling pretty lonely. It’s been almost four weeks on my fulltime and I really miss talking to some of my friends.” “Yeah, you bet. What else is goin on?” “I don’t know I’m just having a hard time I guess. I’m sick of doing writing assignments and I haven’t been off bans from anyone in a long time.” “You bet! What does that feel like?” “I don’t know. I’m sad and pissed off that I have to sit there all day!” Mann then came in with his familiar dialect. “Show me what that feels like. What’s your little kid saying right now?” Carol was stunned by the question. “CMON! WHAT’S IT FEEL LIKE CAROL!” Carol only began to cry but held back. “Yknow what I see Carol? Someone whose just trying to hold it together…. day after day. When are you finally let yourself feel what’s going on?” Carol bent forward and put her face in her palms. For the moment the room was silent. “It’s OK Carol. It’s right there. Just give into it. What’s it feel like to be you right now?” “I FEEL LIKE SHIT!” “Yeah. That’s it right there. How bad does it feel?” Carol took her hands from her face and clasped her knees. “IT FUCKING SUCKS! I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! I WANT TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS! I’M SICK OF THIS FUCKING FULL-TIME! FUUUUCK!” “That’s right! What else is going on in there?” Carol hung her head between her legs sobbing and between each breath she screamed “FUCK! FUUUUCK!” “There’s a lot going on inside you right now isn’t there? How hard is it for you to know your actions got you here?” Tears began dripping off her cheeks onto the floor as she listened to Mann. “C’mon what’s your little kid want to say right now? What’s She telling you?” At this point Carol exploded. “FUUUCK YOOOUU! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FUCKING UP! YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! FUUCK YOOUU! FUUUCK! FUUUCK!” As she continued screaming Mann softly encouraged her. “You bet. That’s it Carol. That’s the feeling right there.” Slowly Carol began to run out of energy and stopped screaming. She breathed deeply and continued crying. “It’s been a long time since you listened to that voice hasn’t it? Tell me more about what you’re feeling?” “I’m feeling sa-a-ad.” And her bawling deepened. “Yeah…. What about alone? Are you feeling lonely?” “Y-y-yesss” “Yeah… that’s a lot to carry around isn’t it?” Carol only followed Mann’s comment with another wave of deep sobbing.  â€œI bet your feeling hopeless also. Is hopeless there right now?” “H-hyessss! I feel fuckiNG HOPELEEEESSSS!” She barely had the energy or breath to yell out this final time and slumped back into her exhausted body. She continued to cry. “ I want you to just sit with that feeling for awhile. OK? Let’s move on.”
   â€œWho else needs to talk today?” Mann scanned the room and fixed his eyes on Tim who froze in his stare. “Tim didn’t you have someone you needed to talk to in here?” Without responding he got up and exchanged his seat. Looking at Tony he said, “OK, I just think you’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately. I always see you by yourself reading a book instead of socializing. I just think you could spend a little more time with other people that’s all.” “Mmmm OK” Tony said. “What do you mean mmmm ok?! It sounds like you don’t agree with what he said.” Tony then responded to Mann,” I just don’t think I’ve been isolating. If there’s free time I don’t see why I can’t read for a little while.” Just then Michelle got up and sat across from Tony. “I see you reading all the time too. I don’t think you’re being honest. You know you’ve been isolating lately.” Tony didn’t argue back but just folded his arms in frustration. “What’s the problem Tony?! Why won’t you hear what they’re telling you?” Tony knew he had to respond to Mann. “Fine! I won’t read as much. I’ll spend more time with people. OK.” “Nope that’s not good enough. Who’s your big brother?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Chris”. “Why hasn’t Chris been hanging out with you?” “He has been just not all the time.” “Ok Tony, as of now you’re on bans from books and I want to see you and Chris right afterwards, got it? Y’know there’s all these people around you. You need to stop shutting everybody out. Ok who else do we need to get to today?”
   â€œYou! New guy!” Mann’s smiling face looked over toward the newest member, Steve, who’d only been there a few days.  He froze a moment. “Me?” “Yeah you! What do you think of all this? How many raps is this for you?” “Two.” “So what do you think so far?” Steve was at a loss for words but he managed to get out, “It’s kind of weird. I don’t know.”  Mann laughed. “That’s ok we get that here. It might seem weird to you now, but this is a place where we can work out our issues in a safe way. Some people have some anger they need to deal with and raps are the appropriate place to deal with that, not out there.  So how have you been since arriving here?” “Ummmmm. I wouldn’t say I’m great.” “Well thats ok. You don’t have to feel great about being here.” Steve didn’t say anything, just sat uncomfortably in the gaze of Mann who smiled in satisfaction. He continued to stare down Steve for a few moments seeming to take pleasure in watching him squirm simply for being put on the spot. “Ok I’ll leave you alone for now.” Mann said this jokingly.
   â€œLet’s see. Oh! I know who I need to talk to. Where’s Jeff..there he is. Jeff! What’s the deal with your personal area?” Jeff shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s completely empty except for that calendar and I might as well start with that. Why is the only thing in your personal area a calendar marked with X’s? You’re just counting the days ‘till you can leave is that right?” “Yeah pretty much.”  â€œ Yknow your head is nowhere NEAR this program.  You choose to stay in your shit every moment you’re here. You’ve still got a long time before you’re going anywhere so why don’t you focus on being here?”  â€œCuz I hate it here.”  Katie got up and sat across from Jeff. “I think you hate it here cuz you make it that way for yourself. If you spent less time hating this place and more time on your friendships maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. And after awhile people don’t want to listen to you complain about being here. I think you push people away because you don’t want to invest yourself in friends since you only think of leaving.” Next to Katie sat Mandi who chimed in. “Yeah, I agree with Katie. You keep yourself pretty shallow. I think you could invest more of yourself here.” Just the Mann interrupted. “Well what about you Mandi? Seems like you could invest more of yourself too.”  â€œYeah Mandi! You’re always talking about leaving too! Take a look at yourself before you come at me with that shit!” Jeff  declared. “I heard you talking about wanting to leave just the other day! You and Leslie!”  Mann now focused solely on Mandi. “What’s that about Mandi. What were you and Leslie saying?” “We weren’t saying anything. We just were sick of being here!”  â€œNo I heard you say you’d be gone if you didn’t live so far away.” Jeff was smug in this comment knowing he was off the hotseat. “God! I wasn’t serious I just…..” “That sounds like a split contract to me!” Mann cut Mandi off. “Do you have a split contract with Leslie?” “No! I do NOT have a split contract. It may have souded like it but….” “But WHAT! Your talking about splitting. How close are you to doing that? Whats going on with you that’s so bad you’re talking about splitting?” “Nothing’s going on I was just frustrated.” “I think you got a lot more going on than that. And you and Leslie are just bringing each other down. You need to start hanging out with people that will keep your head where it needs to be. Tell you what by the end of the rap I want you to give me the name of a Discovery student who you will tell your story to by tomorrow afternoon.”  Across the room Dan leaned back in his chair to get a look at the clock. Only 43 minutes had passed. “Dan! Why are you looking over there!” “Sorry I just wanted to…..” “Your attention needs to be in here OK!?”  â€œOK! Sorry.”
   Mann sat back in his chair and he glanced around. “O…..kaaaay.” “Actually can I talk?” Monica was raising her hand. “Go ahead. What’s going on.” Mann sat forward in his chair and rested his chin on his fist over his knee in a Thinker pose. “Lately I’ve just felt shitty about lots of things. I miss home a lot and like my older sister got married three days ago and I couldn’t go and I really w-wanted to go…..” She stopped for a second and her eyes became glassy.  â€œIt’s ok… go on.” Monica took a deep breath. “Ok so I’ve been trying to ignore that cuz there’s nothing I can do, but it still really bothers me that I couldn’t b-be th-there.” She began to cry. “And I feel like my judgements have really been running me lately. Like I feel like some of my clothes don’t fit and, I don’t know, I’m always watching everything I eat. Like I feel like I can’t even drink juice cuz of the sugar. And… I just…” At that moment Monica flung herself forward in her chair and clenched her fists. “FUUUUCK! I FUCKING HATE IT HERE! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY FUCKING SISTERS WEDDING! FUUUUCK!” “How bad did you want to be there Mandy?” Mann’s voice was soft and caring. “I WANTED TO GO SO FUCKING BAD! IT FUCKING SUCKS BEING HERE! FUUUUUCK! AND I’M FUCKING SICK OF WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING I EAT! FUUUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! FUUUUUUUCK! FU-HU-HUCK!” Mandy continued in a rage while Mann spoke to her. “Yeah….. there’s a lot of feelings inside you. At some point you gotta let those feelings out.” When she stopped screaming she just sat and cried facing the floor. Then Carol, having composed herself, got up and sat across from Monica. “Um Monica I couldn’t go to my brothers wedding so I really understand how much that sucks. That was a tough time for me too. I just wanted to say that.” Monica sat back up in her chair and wiped the tears from her face. “Thanks.” The room sat silent for a moment. “Ok I think I’m done.” But Mann continued looking at her.  â€œWh-hat are you looking at?” She said half laughing. “Nothing” Mann began smiling back at her. “It’s just good to see the real you once in awhile.” She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Alright already I’m done.”
“Ok. Moving on.”
   â€œI gotta say something.” Kevin got up and sat across from Bryan. “Last week your dorm was still using the laundry room when it was our dorms time. I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that from now on.” Bryan sat forward. “Whatever man. You’re so full of shit. The other washer wasn’t even being used when I got my clothes out. You’re just playing games.” “I’m not playing games! Dude you know we only have so much time to use the laundry room.” “Oh come off it Kevin!”  Mann again entered the conversation. “If this was such a problem for you why didn’t you bring it up last week?” “I would’ve I just never got the chance too!”  â€œOh cut the crap Kevin. You could’ve told him yourself at anytime. Bryan did he bring this up to you before this?” “Nope.” Bryan said confidently. “What’s the real reason you’re doing this Kevin. Are you just pissed at Bryan for pulling you up when you were out of line?” Just then Helen and Monica got up to sit across from Kevin. Helen began, “Yeah I think you’re just playing games. I don’t think you have any real issues, you’re just trying to get back at Bryan. It really pisses me off that you come in here and pretend you have issues.” Monica quickly grabbed her opportunity to speak. “Yeah I think you’re full of shit and personally it pisses me off because you make it feel unsafe to be here. I have real issues I want to deal with and it’s really disrespectful when you bring your bullshit in here.” “I’m not full of shit I really….” Kevin was cut off by Bryans voice. “You are so full of shit! Are you telling me you didn’t have one chance to bring this up to me in the last week?” “I don’t know maybe but….. “ “Oh get HONEST! Y’know you make it extremely unsafe for people here.  Others here have real things they need to talk about.”  Amidst the bickering Dan snuck a quick look at the clock...... two hours forty five minutes to go…………

[psy]

Yup.  Accurate rap description is accurate.  The last sentence, however, is the most relevent ("two hours forty five minutes to go…………").  Fucking endless it was...  even when the target wasn't you.  BItch bitch bitch.  Ever since program I have had a very low tolerance for drama or any TV show like Dr Phil or Jerry Springer.  It's like I developed an allergy or something from overexposure.

[dishdutyfugitive]

Wow.

Well done. So well done I couldn't stand to read more than 10 sentences before I felt the rap walls closing in on me.

I remember being in raps and thinking "what the fuck", "these fucking raps and the absolute horse shit that goes on in here is getting seared into my brain.
I will never forget this crap.
I'm filling up my head with some much unnecessary bullshit.
How can I forget this. How can I 'unrap' my self.
I can't.
Fuck.

I always found it especially irritating when people would run their anger about not being able to leave and attend a legitimate family event.
So pointless.
And the facilitators coaxing them on.
Give me a fucking break.
It's like writing shit down for the sole purpose of erasing it. So pointless and patronizing.
Mutual masturbation.

Here's a good question.
Looking back on it - reflect and then ponder this. As a day 1 voyageur would you agree to cut off 1 finger to be granted lifetime exemption from raps?
I think I could do without my left pinky.
Would you sacrifice a thumb not to go through any raps, propheets or workshops???

[stina]

sweet boneless christ...i thought that post was going to go on forever. just like raps. that was painful to read. now i know why my memories of that place are so hazy for periods of time...what's freaking me out is that that shit is seared into my subconscious, taking up vast amounts of space that would be better served with hazy patchoulli filled dead shows, or you know, maybe falling off a building. i've become convinced that in tearing us down and building us back up (which in itself is FUCKED) little subconscious triggers were put into place, like a little minefield and you never know which wrong step is gonna have it blowing up in your face. we were never really given a chance to figure out who we were, because those cocksuckers decided who we were for us. i was a slut, and a victim, and a liar, and a bad friend.

i remember jumping in on someone's indictment hoping that because i participated i'd be over looked for the rest of the rap. and i also remember how that blew up in my face many a time. god. and all the petty bullshit. and the intense fear and anxiety. dreading walking into that room. especially when you knew someone was gunning for you.

i need to stop writing about this. it's like chasing myself in circles. how do we move on?

Awake...well fucking done.

[Awake]

It's kind of a sad testament really, that I could write this over a decade later. This stuff's not even based on any particular memories, it's just sort of a reflection on the mechanics of how a rap moved around. hell I didn't really have to think to write it, it wrote itself and could've probably kept going forever if I let it. Well all in all it represented an ordinary rap I thought, but anything could happen from where it ended. There were worse raps where damn near everyone was doing work at once or some poor kid comes out with some terrible disclosure because they couldn't handle their full-time only to be attacked for not coming out with it in the last propheet. I think some of my worst memories are the ones where someone is just getting obviously brutalized and degraded and I just remember sitting there doing nothing, like it wouldn't even cross my mind that it was wrong. So good thing I ended it there I guess.

"How can 'unrap' myself" Well said. Writing this was like riding a bike. If bikes mind-raped you people would really wish they could forget how to ride one.

"...What's freaking me out is that shit is seared into my subconscious." Yes. It's kind of like reading. Now that you know how to do it you can't help but see words instead of a mess of letters. Only this shit is just wasting brainpower. A highly refined understanding of bullshit.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch...." Yes yes yes....

[stina]

"a highly refined understanding of bullshit". well said. i think my first rap was one of my top 3 worst. in 2 and 1/2 years. i actually remember my 4 worst, the rest of them were just put into a smoky compartment in my brain somewhere (which is kind of odd because i don't usually compartmentalize, but i suppose the mind does what it must). my first rap was in the hobbit (sounded kind of quaint and innocuous) and not 3 minutes in someone was flipping out 2 chairs away from me and running their shit because they'd run away and been raped and had to testify (hopefully that's anonymous enough). needless to say, i was freaked the fuck out. and i never split. weird how that shit stays with you. i still think about that person. i don't think i said more than 2 words to them before they left/graduated but i still think about them.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit. I think i could probably inserted a few Amity names in there and it would have been perfectly accurate. scary. scary. Although I remember some of our staff screaming till they were purple- foaming at the mouth really, for longer periods of time.....

[dishdutyfugitive]

Puking in a rap / propheet was the holy grail of "getting in touch with your feelings".

I recall a couple of these incidents.

Very disturbing.

What's more disturbing is that I felt it raised the bar too much.  How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? It's like Michael Jordan showed up to a game of pick and completely ruined the curve.

Shit - you're in the rap and you got your head down and your hands on the side of your face (or on your forehead) in that faker position.....you've got a sizeable number of peers around you 'running their shit. All in various stages. There were always a few kids synched in one of the 3 stages of hysteria. Prying open their vault of pain with fits of angry rants.  Once sufficiently battered, the hinges of sanity would finally snap. Then the release, heavier than wet cement. Real, imagined and sanctioned trauma spilled from every orifice - a torrential downpour of emotion. And finally the spent shell. Pleading for redemption. Yearning to be built back up in the image of Kahil Gibrahn himself. Only the wisdom of veteran staff member could patch you back together in the divine manner.

- snot's flying -

- saline drenched, wadded up tissues everywhere -

- yellow rectangles zipping across the carpet : triage in a box. white sheets of salvation for all.

- it's fucking loud yet there's a profound quiet before your own storm. You can feel they eye of the hurricane envelope you. Everywhere you look  chaos taking shape in the form of nerve racking trauma belted out in every octave.

- Ocassionally your senses take hold of you and remind you that every minute aspect of this therapeutic farce is insane and wrong. But then you see a staff head rise and with that crazy healing look in their eye as they scan the circle for reluctant souls. They're hunting down those they know have similar 'issues' to the kid that they just led down some dank demented boulevard to the dungeons of Mel's screamatorium. At this moment you wish you were blind. You'd sooner saw your own arm off than make eye contact with the therapeutic overlord in the room.

So you put your head down and act like your retreating into the cave of all things crippling and soul crushing.

"Do I wait to be indicted or do I shotgun start my own chaotic emotional exorcism"?
hmmmm...
"maybe I'll sit this one out and hope that people wear themselves out to the point of exhaustion and I skate by "?
"no that rarely works- I really don't want the power staff du jour to give me that disappointing look and guilt sandwich at the end of the rap. But I don't want to play fake therapy in this room full of nut jobs either".

-Do I want to be cast in the shadows of or join all those puffy eyed, swollen faced 'look good' swamp creatures. Leaning in their chair, into the circus trained healer next to them. Sobbing. Whimpering. Drying themselves off after falling into their own cauldron of cedu sanctioned emotions. Leaving them soaked with bewilderement, euphoria and one step closer to a volatile and boundary free identity.


 

hmmm - what to do, what to do?

[Awake]

That captures the feeling I remember having before I blew spittle all over the floor. (Did they ever steam clean those carpets?) That internal arguement of should I or shoul I not. Knowing sooner or later you have to play the part. It might be the next minute or maybe the next rap. Watching people scream in a frenzy. I think that fearful anticipation of waiting for the attention to be on you was many times the straw that broke the camels' back. Rap after rap having that feeling that you won't get out of it next time. That itself seemed to be enough to lose it and start doing "real work".  Fake work too though, hell eventually you develop that instinct that lets you know your luck has run out and the only option is to force yourself to yell till your red in the face. Otherwise you'd only get butchered before you had to do it anyways. Even when faking it though it was pretty easy to "get in touch with my anger".  There was alot that I was pissed about there so all you really had to do was think of all the bullshit you were going through and yell fuck you over and over. In a weird way it was kind of a paradox. Sometimes you were doing work cuz you had to do work and you hated having to do work, so you had genuine anger just because you were doing work at that moment. The very act of doing work made me mad that I had to do it so I did more work about how pissed I was at doing work. It's like an audio feedback cycle. Hold a microphone up to a speaker its connected too and make a tiny noise. The noise is played back out of the speaker and into the microphone again only louder and louder as the speaker amplifies the sound each time the sound cycles through the speaker and microphone.

[Anonymous]

Very good, clear, lucid discussion. Very good descriptions of the process - especially of the cyclical anger - the anger and rage that is created simply by yelling and yelling and yelling, starting from a place of calm, one becomes insane and incensed, for the purpose of satisfying the cult dynamic, the forced purgation and catharsis - all instead of simply having normal teen-aged interests, relationships, hobbies, studies and pursuits.

I've posted a link to this discussion at "calling all Cedu survivors":

http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/05/22/ ... mment-8277

[Anonymous]

"Awake," I've quoted you here:

http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/ ... anon-game/

When were you at Cedu? Which staff are you thinking of when writing "Mann."

A very good recreation of a standard rap - but then things would also become intensely and insanely personal, in the discussion of personal issues, attacks on people's histories, name-calling, vilification, debasement and total denigration and annihilation (by others and by self); the degree to which these experiences created a venue for staff to student, peer to peer, and self-directed abuse is quite remarkable, and I think would be shocking to read...

I'll think about it, and see what memory provides. It's harrowing, honestly.

[Awake]

Thanks. I'm glad you like it. Should I try and finish it? I must say I felt that I had to keep the content somewhat restrained because in general there are more personal things that get attention in raps. It's a little easier to produce a hypothetical rap situation like I did here when its about the day to day bullshit, but when it comes to the disclosures or really touchy personal issues that were cast out publicly it's pretty hard to make up situations that would do as much justice as what really happened. The real story is stranger than fiction so to speak and I guess I wouldn't want to sound like I'm reffering to a particular person. Does anyone think I should be concerned about posting some extreme situation that may bear striking resemblance to a specific person(s)? I agree it doesn't capture completely the extremes a rap can go to, but that's my quanadry with going further with it. Well I'll see if I can't get around it somehow.

BTW I was a Cedu RS mid 90's and Mann is probably who you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Hello "Awake,"

My tenure in captivity ended in 1990 - Is "Mann" also Mr. Bentz? Both German names?

Drop me a line anytime via email (just post something at the blog, and I'll email you), if you'd like to compare notes, or talk further.

Yes, I think you should finish it, if you have energy to do so. I think the telling of these stories prompts memory to free itself from its hidden places, and promotes an opening up of all of our stories. I wish that those many who are such gifted writers at this site would come forward and write even a small essay, or a single chapter of experience, to start to put together a living record of these odd experiences that do seem so bound and trapped in a time and place, and therefore so unreal at times.

Writing it, saying it aloud, remembers the past into the present, but also places it in the perspective of our adult, experienced selves, and we can view our experiences through the light of ethics and experience, of societal norms and of what we've discovered about human development.

[Awake]

THE RAP CONTINUED.........

In the next room over an entirely different situation was taking place. “I bet you really watch what you eat dontcha. I know what it’s like to try and throw up hard foods like chips. No, you go for a piece of fruit or something soft so it comes up easier. Why are you sitting like that!?” “Like what?” “Like what?” Sandy mimicked Sheila’s pointless defense. “You’ve got your arms crossed across your chest. You’re not taking any of this seriously are you?” A girl, Tristen, got up and sat across from Sheila. “Ya. You are being really defensive. Don’t pretend you don’t have a problem cuz believe me I know. I used to make myself throw up so much that my finger wouldn’t work for me anymore. It got so bad I had to roll up newspapers to stick down my throat or I wouldn’t be able to throw up.” “How do you do it Sheila? Do you use your finger? Or do you just know how to make yourself do it without anything? That was how I did it. I was so good at it I didn’t even have to use a finger. I bet you do it that way too dontcha.” Sandy, now speaking, leaned forward and looked at Sheila who still sat with her arms crossed. “Heellloooo!!!!! Are you listening at all?!” Sheila made no response. “Y’know what, if you’re not willing to work on yourself we’re not going to waste our time with you! It’s your choice. You can sit at your table and waste time or you can choose to get something positive from it.” Tristen came in “Can I just say one last thing? For me this was a really tough issue to deal with and I’m still dealing with it and it makes me sad to watch you sit there and not confront your issues. I really want to be there to support you, but you aren’t even trying to work on yourself.” “Work on herself? She won’t even admit she HAS A PROBLEM!!! It’s time for you to get real!” “Can I say something?” “NO! She’s wasting our time! Let’s let some other people talk in here.”
   â€œRandy you wanted to go. Go.” Randy got up and took a place across from Eric. “Eric I think you should be watching who you spend your time with. It wasn’t very long ago that you broke the sex agreement and you and Alison are hangin out a lot.” “What are you talking about we’ve only been off bans for like two weeks!” “Yeah well you guys are still together a lot.” “Yea. When…” “I’m not done!” Randy wasn’t about to let Marla cut him off. “I mean nothing may be going on but it still looks that way and you should be paying attention to that.” “Yea it’s like I totally see you going right back to your shit. You and your friends are really clicky. Ever since you got off bans it’s like you went right back to your old image. Once you get around them you get really sarcastic and fast and…..” “There’s red flags going up all around you Eric! This is the same behavior that got you in trouble in the first place!” Sandy interjected. “Can you really not see what these people are saying?” “No I can see what they’re saying. I’ve just spent a lot of time with them cuz we were on bans, but I hear what they’re saying.” “I hope so.” Sandy sat back in her chair and held her gaze on Eric. “Consider this a warning Eric.”
   â€œDoes someone else want to go? Devin. I haven’t heard from you in awhile how are you?” “Not that great I guess.” “Why not that great?” “I don’t know I’ve been getting frustrated lately. I was made a dormhead a couple weeks ago and I just don’t like it.” “What are you saying you can’t handle the responsibility?” “No it’s not that I just… I’m having a hard time I guess and I feel like I have enough to deal with….” Sandy took over. “So what’s really goin on? Your problems are much deeper than just being a dormhead aren’t they?” Devin leaned forward. “C’mon man I know you’ve been having a hard time lately.” This comment came from a friend, Luke. “We’ve talked before so I know we’ve got some of the same issues.” Devin didn’t hesitate. “Fuuuuck! FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIIIIT!! FUCK THIS BULLSHIT SCHOOL! FUCK BEING A FUCKING DORMHEAD! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ON MANN’S FUCKING TEAM YOU FUCKING PRICK FUUUUUCK!” “That’s it! What’s really goin on Devin!” “I fucking HATE IT HERE! I’M FUCKING STUCK IN THIS STUPID HOLE! YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU’LL NEVER HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YOU UGLY FUCKING FUCK! FUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUCK YOOOUUU!” “There’s more there Devin! C’mon get….” “FUUUUCK! FUUUUCK! I FUCKING HATE YOU! FUUUUCK!” “That’s right! Go for broke Devin!” “FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I HATE YOU FOR SENDING ME HERE YOU STUPID FUCKS! FUUUUCK YOU GOD YOU FUCKING FUCK! I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE MYSELF YOU FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING STAND THIS FUCKING PLACE ANYMORE! FUUUUUUCK!”  -- “FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU! GODAMNIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!” Just then Julie began screaming as well, her voice a high pitched screeching diminishing his lower toned voice. “FUUCK YOU GODAMNIT!” “That’s it Julie what are you saying to yourself right now!” “I’M FUCKING PATHETIC! I’M A FUCKING PATHETIC FREAK! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MAN! MY HANDS ARE FUCKING HUGE! LOOK AT MY FUCKING HUGE FUCKING HANDS! I’M A DISGUSTING FREAK! FUUUUUUCK YOOOUUUU! FUUUUCK!” At this point Sandy could barely be heard over the two of them. “You bet Julie! What’s it like to hold that judgement on yourself day after day!” “IT FUCKING SUUCKS! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS! FUUUCK YOU YOU DIGUSTING FREAK!” “What’s it like to let those judgements control you! What’s it like to live your lie every day!!” Sandy barely finished the sentence before Julie let out a defening scream. “AAAAAAAAA!FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! I HATE YOU! FUUUUUCK!” Devin’s screams began to subside and Julie was fairly close behind. “Fuck! Fu-hu-huuuck!” “Yeah.” Sandy said to Julie. “It’s hard to hold those judgements against you all the time isn’t it?” “Yes! FuUUCK!” “What’s your truth Julie?” Julie only responded by crying harder. “You’re thinking about it right now Julie, what is it?” Julie began crying hard. “Innoce-e-ent.” “Yeah. Innocent. You are innocent. How does your truth feel?” “It f-feels goo-hood.” “Yeah. It feels good doesn’t it? Why don’t you let that in more? You know your truth yet you choose to ignore it. How about you Devin? What’s your truth?” “I’m Honest.” Devin had recouperated somewhat. “Yeah. Honest. Just feel that feeling. What about you Sheila What’s your truth?!” Sheila was still sitting in the same position…her arms crossed her chest. She said nothing. “You can’t even say it can you? Are you so deep in your lie you can’t even say your truth outloud?” Sheila made a sour face at that and shook her head slightly. “It’s beautiful.” “Yeah….beautiful. What’s so hard about that. Is that hard to hear? That you’re beautiful?” Sheila bent foreward and screamed at the top of her lungs. “FUUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH I FUCKING HAAATE YOOOUUUU!” “That’s exactly right isn’t it Sheila. What have you been holding back on this whole time?!” “I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!”  â€œWhy is it so hard to hear that you’re beautiful? It must feel pretty bad if you can’t even listen to your truth! Or are living your lie?!” “FUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID BITCH!” Sheila continued on her tyrade. “I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH!.”   “Your truth is so far away from you right now. How far away from beautiful are you right now Sheila?!”  â€œFUUUUUUCK YOOOOU! FUUUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! YOU STUPID SLUT! YOU GODDAMN BITCH!” Sandy withheld any comments for a minute while Sheila continued screaming in a rage. “How long were you going to hold onto that? How long were you planning on waiting before you showed us how you really feel?” “FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING SLUT! FUUUUUUUCK!” “What are you feeling right now Sheila?” “I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF! GODAMN I’M SOOO FUUUUCKIING PIIISSED!” “Of course your pissed off. There’s a lot for you to be pissed off about. What are you pissed at?” “GODAMN FUUUUCK! I’M PISSED AT FUCKING EVERYTHING!” “Like what?” “I’M PISSED AT FUCKING DISHES, I’M PISSED AT MY TABLE, I’M PISSED I HAVE TO GO INTO EVERY FUCKING RAP AND TALK ABOUT THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME! FUUUUCK!” Sandy had become quite calm as she spoke to Sheila. “Who are you really pissed at then Sheila?” Sheila grabbed the hair on top of her head. “FUUUUUUCK! GODAMN FUUUUCKING FUUUUCK!” “C’mon Sheila! You know the answer to this. Who are you really pissed at! Who’s making themself throw up in the bathroom?! Who is it Sheila?!”  â€œFUUUCK I’M PISSED AT MY FUCKING SELF! FUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SLUT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!” “Yea. You’re pissed at yourself. What is it like to be so angry with yourself?” Sheila finally began to cry, her rage having wiped out her energy. She bawled so deeply she could not speak. “It must be hard to be that mad at yourself. Y’know you ARE beautiful you just choose to cover it up. Can you say that about yourself? Can you say I am beautiful?” Sheila  cried harder and pressed her palms over her eyes while facing the floor. “fu-huUCK YOU!” “I am beautiful. You can do it Sheila……. I am beautiful.”  â€œI a-am beautifu-ul.” Sheila continued crying. “You better believe it! Of course you are.” The room was quiet and Sheila sat doubled over her lap still weeping. “You just stay in that place for awhile ok? Stay with beautiful.” “Can I say something?” “Sure, go ahead Luke.” “Umm Devin. I have a lot of the same judgements as you and I just want to say I hope you know you can come talk to me any time man.” “Thanks man. I will.”
   â€œOk who’s next.” The room was silent. “C’mon I know there’s  people that have other people to talk to in here.” Calvin and Brad both raised their hands then quickly pointed at one another as if to say ‘It’s ok you go ahead’.  â€œPick someone already! Brad!Go!” Brad breathed a sigh as he got up to switch his seat. “Ok this isn’t like a huge deal but Thomas you were like barely working on dinner dishes last night. We asked to get checked off but your section was never complete. I had to help you finish your job so we could go. So I’m just saying it’s cool but next time hopefully you can work a little harder.” Next to Brad Ellie joined in. “I’ve been on dishes with you the last three nights and you are ALWAYS slacking off. When you sweep and mop you don’t even get all the way under the tables and theres always food left underneath.” “Thomas! Jeez are you kidding me!” Sandy gave Thomas a stern look. “You have been on dishes SO many times I couldn’t even count. Does someone really need to show you how to do your job again?” “No I know how to I just missed some stuff.” Ellie was quick to comment. “That is total bullshit! You are totally cutting corners on dishes all the time!” “Whaaat are you serious?” “What do you mean am I serious! We were seriously there at least a half hour more because of you.” “I agree with Ellie.” Brad again chimed in. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather spend my time in the house. I really don’t see why you’d do a half assed job when you could just do it right and be done.” Sandy rolled her eyes. “How many times are we gonna go through this Thomas? I’m serious how many times do you have to hear the same feedback over and over and over? I’m getting really tired of hearing this every time I’m in a rap with you. Can you just get it together please so I don’t have to hear this anymore?” “Yes” “Yes I will work harder on dishes!?” “Yes I will work harder on dishes.” “Thank you. I assume you’re on dishes tonight?” “Yes.” “Good.”
   â€œCalvin you wanted to go next?” “Yeah Ellie. I heard you and Mandi popping off while you were carrying the trash to the dumpster on dishes last night.” “Yea. I catch you guys popping off in the house too.” Ellie squinted her eyes and looked at Marla. “When did I ever pop off in the house?” “Well your not totally popping off but you totally cut corners. I hear you guys humming…..” “Whatever Marla! You are the biggest look good ever! You’re always looking for an excuse to indict someone!” Calvin then got up and sat next to Ellie. “To tell you the truth this is pissing me off too. You’re always following someone else’s indictment. Why aren’t you ever the first to indict somebody yet you always have something to say.” “I really don’t understand how that makes me a look good.” Julie got up and sat across from Marla. “Please. You know you’re a look good. You pull people up for the lamest shit. You even tell the guys to tuck their shirts in more if their just barely hanging over their belts. I just have a hard time believing anything you say because there’s no way you really have a problem with that stuff. You’re just trying to look good…….
   An hour and fifteen minutes left to go and yet another rap, in the building just up from the main house, was taking place. “Ok guys there’s something we really need to get to today and that is Stephen. You guys know he’s been on a full time for the last week aaaand he’s there because he decided it was ok to go through the I want to live dirty aaaaand …. Well he wants to share something with you. Why don’t you go ahead Stephen.” Jessie nodded at Stephen who breathed in a deep breath. Before he could speak five members of his peer group got up to sit across from him. “Ok well you know why I’m on my full-time and….” “I don’t think everyone here has heard why you’re on your full-time. Can you tell them please?”  Stephen again took in a deep breath and rolled his eyes back. “Ok. Before the I Want to Live me and Carol broke the sex agreement and that’s why I’m on my table. But I’ve been working on some really hard stuff for me that I….” “Actually I never really heard about this yet so can you explain what happened a little more?” Stephen didn’t respond to Ryan right away. He hung his head for a moment. “Ok. Thirteen days ago on Sunday after dinner me and Carol went into the woods and had sex. That’s pretty much it.” “That’s about it? Did you just lie down in the dirt to do it?” Jessie commented, “There’s more to this story lets have it.” “Alright um… I had a jacket and so did Carol and we used them to lie on.” “Actually can you just start from the beginning? Like when did you decide to do this?” Stephen closed his eyes for a moment in lieu of Ryan’s question. “Ok probably a week before that out in front of the house I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. For the next week we were kind of flirting but we really didn’t plan anything we just kind of did it. And.. I don’t know that’s pretty much everything that happened.” Ryan sat back in his chair. “Ok I just haven’t heard yet…  so….” The room was silent for an awkward moment while Stephen stared tensely at the floor. “But that’s not all you have to tell these guys is it?” Stephen kept staring but knew he couldn’t put off Jessie’s question much longer. His eyes began to glaze over. “W-well you guys know why I’m on my table now and since then I’ve been working on some tough issues aand its not something you guys know about me.” Stephen leaned his elbows on his knees and tears dripped from his eyes. “Go ahead Stephen. Tell them what you told me.” Stephen was holding back tears mustering the strength to answer Jessie. “So when I was younger …in like fifth grade…..” Stephen hung his head back down and sniffled in a noseful of snot. “You know you can tell us anything. We just went through the I Want to live together. Whatever you have to say isn’t going to change what we think of you.” “Yeah. Seriously. You know how much we’ve already been through together.” Nancy followed Aaron’s statement along with a few others seeking to console him and coax his issues to surface. “So w-when I was in fifth grade me and my friend would w-watch my older sister take showers. Fffffuck…. We did it like five times. There wasn’t a lock on the b-bathroom door. She – fuck-hhhh- she caught us once and I don’t know….. it’s …. I’m not proud of it.” After a long uncomfortable silence Nancy said, “Well I’m glad your being honest and telling us about this. I’m disappointed that you went through the I want to live dirty cuz that really meant a lot to me, but I’m glad to see you’re working on your table.” Clark quickly chimed in. “Well I’m glad um y’know that you’re finally working on yourself and I think it’s good that you’re being honest with us about this, but um I just wish you would have respected all of us in your peer group enough to come out with this in the I want to live, y’know… I mean…..” “I gotta say I feel the same way I mean we were partners in there. I said a lot of things that were hard for me too and to know you could go through it without coming out with this stuff? I just feel like its hard to trust you.” Clark again claimed a place to speak after Will. “Can I ask you a question? Honestly? Why didn’t you come out with this in the I want to live? I’m just askin cuz it seems to me that would be when you would do that don’t you think?” There was a brief silence before Jessie spoke again.  â€œHe makes a good point don’t you think Stephen? Wasn’t the I want to live the time to tell this to these guys? Why didn’t this come out then?” Stephen began crying into his palms and sucked in the snot hanging from his nose. “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OK! I FUCKED UP! IT’S NOT LIKE THE I WANT TO LIVE DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING!” “How could it mean anything if you go through dirty! How could you get anything from it if you won’t open up and get honest about yourself!” After Nancy said this Stephen reached down and grabbed his calves. “FUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOUU!” “That’s it. What are you feeling like Stephen.” Jessie’s voice was stern but quiet. “I’M FUCKING SICK OF MYSELF! I FEEL SO FUCKING DISGUSTING!” “Why disgusting Stephen.” “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU FUCK! I WATCHED MY FUCKING SISTER TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER! FUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOHOOOOU!” “What else are you feeling?” “FUUUUCK!FUUUUUCK!” “C’mon Stephen what do you call yourself for doing that!” “FUUUUCK YOOUU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT! FUUUUUCK!” “C’mon Stephen what are you calling yourself right now! What do you think the people around you are saying right now!” “FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCK!” “What is it Stephen?! What’s the word in your head right now!!”  â€œYOU SICK FUCKING FREAK!! I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU SICK FFFUUUUUUCK!” “What does sick fuck feel like! C’mon Stephen you’re right there!” “IT FUUUCKING SUUUCKS! I’M A SIICK FUUCKING FREAK! FUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOOUUU! FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCKING! GODAMN YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIIIIIT! FUUUUUUUUUCK!” “Feels pretty bad doesn’t it?” “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKK! UUHUU… FFUUUUUUUCCKKHHHUU-HUU….HHFFUCK!” Stephen could hardly get a breath through his screams. Snot and saliva were streaming from his nose and mouth. Someone next to him pulled a few Kleenex out of the box and threw them on the floor beneath his face. “FUUUUUUCK YOU! FUUUUUUCK! UHHHUUuhhhuu….FHUUHUhuhuck!” Someone handed Stephen some tissues which he took and mopped his face with. He continued crying. “It’s not easy facing the hard truth.” For awhile the group was silent as they watched Stephen empty out the last of his pain, rage and sorrow. “Thanks for sharing. You really opened up, you should feel good about that. And I’m sure your peer group is glad you shared with them too.” “Yea Stephen.” “Thanks Stephen”. A few people chimed in as Jessie spoke.
   â€œOk guys. We’ve got some time left. Let’s get to whatever else we need to get to. Whoever’s ready just go.” Isaac got up and sat across from George. “Alright George I seriously don’t want to be rude but you kinda smell. Like I really don’t want to bring it up but… I don’t know you just really need to use more deodorant or something. I seriously… I’m not trying to embarrass you but it’s true. That’s it.” George lifted his hands up just higher than his head. “Ok man. I’ll wear more deodorant I guess.” “Ummm. I hate to say it but you do kind of stink.” Sandra joined Isaac. “I pass by you sometimes and it’s like serious b.o. and your hair is like super greasy. I’m sorry for saying that but it just… is kinda gross.” George looked away. “Gimme a fucking break….” Jamie then addressed Marcus. “You’re in George’s dorm aren’t you? Do you notice anything wrong with George’s hygene?” “Heeeeeeshhhh….yaaaa… I do sometimes.” “So why aren’t you saying anything?” “I mean  I can I…” “Get a voice!” Marcus got up and sat across from George. “George you should listen to what they’re saying. Your hygene could be better and you don’t put much effort into your appearance. That’s just what I think ok?” “Ok man whatever. I’ll fucking clean myself. It’s fine really you’ve made your point I get it. Can we just please move on?” Jessie waited a moment and looked around to see if anybody had anything to add.
   â€œOk. Let’s move on.” “I have something to say to somebody.” Josh got up and switched seats. “This is to Martin. I heard you telling your story to Michael yesterday and I know pot is part of your story but you guys were TOTALLY war storying together. You were sayin like how you used to get the dankest pot and he was too. I mean you were really sounding like you guys were in your shit.” “Were you talking about it like that Martin?” Martin tensed up as he tried to answer Jessie. “Welllllll….maybe a little bit but really….” “Don’t candy coat it. Were you talking about it like Josh is saying you did?” Martin took a deep breath. “Yeah we were.” Jessie sat forward leaning his elbows on his knees and shook his head. “Uh- uh. Mm-mm nope. That’s not acceptable. You know your not supposed to do that. Not ok.” Jessie was still looking Martin shaking his head. “I see you as being really in your shit right now. Your mind’s in the gutter. Not ok.” “I don’t really think I’m in my shit. I know I shouldn’t have done that but it was just a mistake kind of.” “No I don’t see that. You’re in your old image, you’re glorifying your drug experiences…. Uh-uh….. that’s totally unacceptable. After this rap come and see me so we can talk about this ok? Let’s move on.”
   â€œC’mon guys. Anyone else before we wrap this up?” Jessie looked around the room until his eyes landed on the boy next to him, Dean, who he stared at with a smirk on his face. Deans eyes widened. Jessie lightly elbowed Dean a couple times. “Hey.” “Hey” “Howr you doin Dean? How have you been since the I want to live?” “I’ve been pretty good.” “Yeah? Have you been holding onto some of that stuff?” “Yeah I mean I find myself struggling with it but I still feel like I got a lot from it soo yeah.” “How bout the rest of you guys. You still paying attention to those tools?” “<yes>(yeah) [me too ya.]” Several voices came in response. Jessie lead the final stretch of the rap by going around the room one by one giving everyone a chance to say something before letting them go.
   Back in the house Mann was finishing up his rap too. “Yknow some people did some really great work in here today…. Carol.  How’r you feeling right now?” “I’m feeling Ok I guess.” “You really were listening to your little kid today. What’s her name?” Carol cracked a small smile. “I really hate you.” “Oh c’mon what’s your little girls name just say it.” Carol smiled and put her hand over her mouth. “Care Bear.” Mann just looked at her and smiled. “I’m glad you decided to let her come out today.” Mann continued to stare at her while she kept her hand over her mouth. “I’m not supposed to smile.” Mann chuckled a little when she said this. “Yknow what. For the last few minutes before this rap is over can we get a smoosh pile here on the floor. C’mon everybody down, you too Carol.” “Does that mean I can be off bans from….” “Yeeesss only till the rap is over.” Carol ran over to smoosh with her friends as did everyone in a happy pile for the next few minutes. Raps were over for today…….

[stina]

jesus. that was painful.