mithy
you are so right about that.
i've spent a little time in jail.
on and off
and for one ten day stretch.
i'd take jail over straight any day.
for me straight was like going back to prison
since i'd already done close to two years
in boot camp at 13.
i was 15 going into straight.
i woke up this morning thinking about how young i was...
my kid's 12.
i can't beleive my mom did that to me
(sent me away for all those years)
my dad wanted to send me away before he died
the fu**ing bastard
i hated that man
he beat the shit out of me
at 6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13...and finally died.
my own father...
he started yelling at me and breaking my toys at age 2.
yes, some how i remember...
miraculous huh?
my mother is the coldest and most disgusting
fake human i've ever encountered
i've had dreams that she was a serial killer
having my sister and i help her
i've had dreams after that where i kill her
and have trouble disposing of the body parts
entire dreams of me dropping an arm in a creek
stuffing a leg in a bag
her head down the toilet (that one was weird)
my sister and i have a few drinks at a party and
start jokingly discussing, "killing mommy"
i'm sure people think we're freaks
it's still funny though
that poor woman
i feel sorry for her
(not enough to invite her to my wedding)
i'm just surviving
never happy
it sucks to want happines so much
but feel it to be the most unreachable goal
suspended happiness that is.
sure i've felt happy.
but i'm still always sad
always afraid
alone
to this day
it doesn't make sense
my dad had just been killed in a car accident
it hadn't even been a year since his death
i'm still paying for all the pain those two
hell-holes put me through
yet trying to live a NoRmAl...(yeah right) life
i don't like leaving the house for long periods of time
i hate being around people
i hate most people
i always feel like an outsider
people who whine and moan about their lives
when they have a family who loves them make me
so fu**ing sick
my mother didn't even come to darren's funeral
(my daughter's dad)
we [were] even on speaking terms at that point
killing her wouldn't even make me feel better
(well, not that i would)
she can never give it back
my childhood
the love i never had
i don't think i'll ever have a relationship with my mother
i feel like i've grown up and never lived
was never allowed to
or given the opportunity
it's depressing as hell
any good days?


??
NO.
still working on it...