Finding new stuff everyday. Will it ever stop?

[Walstib14]

Since I found these sites I have been able to pin point alot of behaviors I have and where they came from. When I get angry at my wife or my Daughter I can't stop confronting them. Its like a switch is thrown and I can't seem to think clearly any longer. This is something that I have been doing for a very long time. I remember
that I used to do the same thing while in Gulag 5515. My heart would start pumping, body language and loud voice. It kills me inside.

I also notice that I have the habit of standing and semi belt looping myself. I feel embarrassed even to mention it here. I really don't know who else to share it with. No one on earth would understand. It's frustrating as hell to try and tell any of this stuff to people who were not there.

I also have been thinking that maybe I would not have developed real drug dependence with out Straight. I am a substance abuse counselor
and recovering addict (14 years on the 27th). When I went to Straight I definitely was in the throws of substance abuse not dependence that
did not come until after Straight. My question is this all a self fulfilling prophecy that was implanted in me subliminally or was it just the natural course of progression due to the disease of addiction? Were we not bombarded day after day with all their propaganda? For example if you leave the program you will become a scum bag, embarrassment to your whole family, sell your ass, rob everyone, sexual deviate blah blah blah... You guys know what bull sh*t we were force fed. I really can't say one way or another would have happened had I not been imprisoned! Straight Inc. didn't treat addicts so much as it created them. Think about it. From a business
stand point its brilliant. Create an everlasting flow of business. Make sure that through the constant barrage of negative self talk you
program/brainwash your product to swallow as truth they will use over and over and over again to perpetuate the belief system you created.
Straight was an addict factory.

There is alot more stuff that I am begining to realize and in time I will have to sort them out.

Rich
Mayflower Survivor Gulag 5515 81-82

[METALGOD8]

I can understand how you have things like mannerisms, etc... leftover from the program. A lot of former clients do. It is almost like we are still under the influence of all that "treatment". I have been around several survivors, some of whom think that it was a long time ago and they have "gotten over it", but they get all loud and excited when talking about past events, they remember it like it was yesterday, and some still talk using terms commonly used in the program. They say they are over it and don't think about it. I guess it is possible that they have suppressed it for a long time and it is still there, eventhough they are not consciously thinking that way. I don't know if you have explained that to your wife and daughter, but if you do/did it may help them understand a little bit more about why. I think that as more time goes by it will get better. People want to know why this is so important in our lives 20 years later, but they were not there, so they have no clue. It's ok, please don't be too hard on yourself.


MG8 :smokin:

[Anonymous]

"My question is this all a self fulfilling prophecy that was implanted in me subliminally or was it just the natural course of progression due to the disease of addiction?"

I am going to share part of a Seinfeld shows dialogue.

Elaine: "George, do you think that guy looks attractive."

George: "What? I don't want to answer that question."

Elaine: "It doesn't mean that you're gay, just because you say that another man looks handsome!"

George: "Yeah, but it doesn't help"

Well, it didn't help. I say that, in most of our cases, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some of us may have been drug addicted, and these may fall under the "natural addiction progression" category, but it is my estimation that was a small percentage of those who were admitted. I pecieve that maybe 20% or so were addicted or dangerously close to it, but that percentage is a guess, and could be greater (or lesser).

And if we weren't addicted, don't YOU think it is unwise of them to be indoctrinating us with this self-view? In the long run, those of us who aren't addicts or alcoholics might act out that indoctrination as a self-fulfilling prophecy and become addicted, as I did to alcohol.

When I drank years after Straight, it was the indoctrination from Straight, "if you drink,you will die" that haunted me and compelled me to drink more. It was torment. I felt insane, saying, "but I'm NOT an alcoholic", yet there I was self-destructing like one. Mostly, I felt my parents disapproval and shame, though they hadn't found out yet as I had moved out of state.

The "disease" of alcholism is said to be progessive. I think it is. The difficult thing to know sometimes is if we are really addicted or not. We were mostly young people with hormones, teenagers, sometimes rebellious ones, when we were put in Straight/treatment. That does not equate chemical dependency. It is a travesty to be lied to in the manner we were because it DOES matter. But the Straight folks thought that the end (clean and sober kids) justified the means (misdiagnosis, exaggeration, and flat out lies). It doesn't, and I am confident that time has proven this out.

To exaggerate people's condition is to distort their views of reality. This is why many of us feel alienated from our peers, because they made us out to be freaky-deaky druggie rejects. It doesn't matter that I am sober today, an upstanding citizen of society, I still feel like a reject in the way I relate to the rest of society, and this is not logical, it is the result of systematic abuse in Straight.

There may have been people who meant well, but lies don't help you, ever. I hope this has answered some of your questions.

[Antigen]

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins; all of them imaginary."

"The worst government is the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and human. But when fanatics are on top, there is no limit to oppression."
--H.L. Mencken

The Program didn't occure in a vacume. If these same sadistic, power hugry psychos had been in a position to move 20 years sooner, the Program would likely have been billed as a cure for Communism instead of as a cure for drugs.

Absolutely, I agree with your theory about marketing. Right now, somewhere in this country or abroad, some neo-con foot soldier in the war on people who dare use certain unpatentable drugs is preaching the gospel of the dangers and addictiveness of marijuana. They're presenting as proof of their claim your confessions and mine and the number of juveniles and adults they've been able to coerce into treatment for the disease of marijuana addiction.

Honesly, I don't think they gave a rats ass ever how the Program would effect us personally. They were manufacutring dedicated supporters, just as any cult always does.

I don't buy into the incurable, terminal disease theory. If you've been living well for 14 goddamned years without getting high, you're obviously not dependent on getting high. But if you don't know any other way to think about getting high except for the guilty, self destructive Program philosophy, I just don't see how it could be beneficial or enjoyable. Having that programing in your mind must be like having Antabuse tablets sewn into one's stomach.

Marijuana in its natural form is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man. By  any measure of rational analysis marijuana can be safely used within the supervised routine of medical care.
http://www.masscann.org/quotes.htm' target='_new'>Administrative Law Judge, Francis Young,  DOJ/DEA

[Anonymous]

"I don't buy into the incurable, terminal disease theory"

Well they can't prove that it is a "disease" to begin with. But, I believe if one cannot control their drinking (or drug use). If they are hurting themselves or especially others, then adopting an attitude that says "I can't drink anymore, period" is the right thing to do. But someone in JAIL (when I got a DUI) told me that there was no proof of the "disease concept" whatsoever and I was stunned. That theory is accepted fact in AA circles! Interesting point.

But if an individual drinks uncontrollably, and does not stop it themselves, invariably they lose the freedom to decide these matters. The reality is that unmanageable drinkers/dopers risk losing the freedom to decide to put booze or dope in their body. All kinds of drunks and drug addicts lose their freedoms everyday. So, individual freedom and individual responsibility go hand in hand. If we take liberties others frown upon, then we do well to maintain standards for ourselves that others loathe to keep. In my mind, freedom is costly, not cheap.