2 years ago, I found this site, I was 32 years old, married and a father. It had been 15 years since I had 7th stepped. I had finished high school, went to college, and started a career. However, on that day time stood still. For nearly two weeks, I read and read post after post, googled syanon based programs, the seed, read court documents, newspaper articles anything I could get my hand on. Memories of the program, things that I thought I had forgotten crept back into full view. Some memories were funny but most was complete horror to remember, not necessarily because of what happened to me at the program but because I couldnt believe I was duped so easily, my parents who bought into this and thought this was best. It was like a huge light turned on. I was amazed that I fell so easily. And somehow i was convinced that I would be a looser, that my life would be in shambles, that I was a horrible person who was so out of control that I would be like this the rest of my life without the program. I bought it full line and sinker.
I understand how this happened now but boy do I wish I was stronger then to stand up to the bull crap that was ingrained into my head. During this time of reflection my wife thought I was crazy, I even called my parents and asked them why? They had no good reason just that they thought it was best at the time they said they were sorry i was hurting. My wife just said to forgot about it, but I couldnt. I couldnt even understand why I was so bothered, all I knew was that if I was pissed off 15 years later than it couldnt have been good. One thing I had a hard time reconciling was "who was I" I thought that I knew myself so well that I understood myself, values, spirtual etc. but here I was now 32 years old being ripped apart and had no idea if the values and personal belief system was my own or I was some robot influenced from 397 days of mind raped via the program. Yeah I still remember the actual days of my program and I can still recite the steps to this day. However, I can barely remember the product specs of the product I have been selling for the last years- go figure
I cant say that i have figured it all out. But I think I am better equipped after finding this site. Some things I could never rationalize or understand and it took some time to "let go" of some things but over time I guess I just moved on or just forgot again. Ill have to say the best thing I did was stop reading the site, the posts. I guess its like out of site out of mind.
I know one thing, I used to think that if one of my children had a problem with drugs that i would put them in one of these places, now I know I would never ever resign my kid to such crap.
