KHK dreams/nightmares

[Anonymous]

I just woke up terrified from a nightmare about KHK.  My mother decided to put me back into the program.  I hadn't finished it or something, so I had to go back in to finish the last two weeks.  I wasn't compliant though and they were keeping me for much longer.  I am no longer a minor, and I keep asserting that, but to no avail.  They said that because my mother was putting me back in it didn't matter.  They kept me in there.  I still had my phone because the intake wasn't over, so I was trying to call or text my friends, and they weren't responding.  I was very defiant, and they were all surprised that I wasn't the same minion that  I was when I was in the program the first time.  So they started questioning my honesty, calling me a liar, sham, everything they did when I was in there.  I got locked in time out.  I woke up when I was in the shower, having to wash my hair with the lice shampoo (I had completely forgotten about that part of the intake.  You were taken into the handicapped bathrooms next to the intake room, forced to strip down, take a shower, and wash your hair with this lice killer stuff, just in case, so the whole group wouldn't get lice, any one else have to do that?)  

The scariest thing was how real it all felt.  The same staff members, same building, same square tiles on the floor, same plastic chairs, same time out rooms, same feeling of helplessness when you realize that there is no way out, no matter what you do.   I woke up trembling, and I can't shake that horrible, heart wrenching feeling of losing my free will, I'm sure all of you know that feeling.  It's the one when you wake up in the morning in a phaser room hoping that it was all just a bad dream, just to have your old comer bark at you to recite the steps.  There are no words to describe it.  It is the saddest, most frustrating, infuriating, helpless, hopeless, feeling that I have every experienced.  

I know that hearing about others dreams is a bit mundane, but the crowd here is the only one who can relate (memories of staff asking 'who can relate?').  I have read posts of these program nightmares, and I have had dreams about the program, but never of this intensity.  It has been a few years since I graduated, and I have stopped my obsessive reading of fornits because I know that I need to move on with that part of my life.  Maybe this dream is a kick in the face that I haven't dealt with everything that happened when I was a prisoner of 6040 Branch Hill Guinea?  Once again, I apologize for the self analyzing, melodramatic post, I just needed to get it out, and here seemed the most appropriate place.

[Deprogrammed]

hi,
I totally feel for you. Yes, I understand that helpless feeling of waking up in the phaser room, and waking up at the butt crack of dawn wanting it to all have been just some bad dream, and then your oldcomer starts making ye recite the steps, and serenity prayer etc... and then ye have the horrid realization that it wasn't a dream and ye are stuck.

I also understand what ye are saying when ye talk about having a nightmare of being put back in the program, as well. There really is no other way to say it other than it just simply SUCKS. I used to wake up in a full panic attack from those nightmares.

Unfortunately, I cannot tell you an easy solution to mend your broken spirit or heart or soul from this place. These people are in the business of stealing the spirit, soul, and hearts of children definitely. Unfortunately, as well, the spirtit loss extends into adult hood like a glooming shadow that always follows.

I can tell you what has helped me though. Please don't think that I am trying to be presumtious but I am assuming that ye are having a bit of a cry for help, seeing as how ye posted it on here. I am going to list for ye what has helped me but I know that many different things have worked for many different people.


What has helped me: 1.) Deep Breathing excersises
                                   2.) Love( from others) my children, my partner, my friends, certain family members.
                                   3.) writing
                                   4.)Posting on fornits
                                   5.) protesting
                                   6.) helping other people with similar probelms
                                   7.) keeping in my mind that the worst is over and now I am free.
                                   8.) admitting to myself all of the resentment I feel about that place.
                                   9.) music-helps get the rage and sadness out.
                                  10.) ISACCORP- being involved
                                  11.) allowing myself to take breaks from this crap when I need to for my own health and sanity.
                                  12.) having the benefit of working with teenagers and being able to warn them about this place, and others like it.
                                  13.) going back through the past and the muck to find myself, finding out what they stole from me exactly, and having the courage to take it back.

                                    14.) Tori Amos( enough said)
                                    15.) therapy (EMDR therapy in particular)
                                    16.) attempting to trust others again.

It is so hard to explain sometimes how far I have comeand exactly howI havegotten there. Since it was in such a twisted way that Iwas broken, my path of healing has had an equally as twsited of a way to follow.

My wish and hope for you is that something I have said or mentioned will help you even if it is something small. Italways pains me to see someone else in pain from this and to know that there will still be many moreafter us to follow,considering the place is still open and doing the same old damage to younger souls.
This is why taking action helps me. I have always been a very caring individual and it helps me to act and live that part of me out b/c that is the one thing that they couldnt steal from me.

I wish you love, respect, caring, trust, and healing,
sincerely,
-DP

[Anonymous]

The letdown of stress (Christmas night) probably triggered your nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I just woke up terrified from a nightmare about KHK.  My mother decided to put me back into the program.  I hadn't finished it or something, so I had to go back in to finish the last two weeks.  I wasn't compliant though and they were keeping me for much longer.  I am no longer a minor, and I keep asserting that, but to no avail.  They said that because my mother was putting me back in it didn't matter.  They kept me in there.  I still had my phone because the intake wasn't over, so I was trying to call or text my friends, and they weren't responding.  I was very defiant, and they were all surprised that I wasn't the same minion that  I was when I was in the program the first time.  So they started questioning my honesty, calling me a liar, sham, everything they did when I was in there.  I got locked in time out.  I woke up when I was in the shower, having to wash my hair with the lice shampoo (I had completely forgotten about that part of the intake.  You were taken into the handicapped bathrooms next to the intake room, forced to strip down, take a shower, and wash your hair with this lice killer stuff, just in case, so the whole group wouldn't get lice, any one else have to do that?)  

The scariest thing was how real it all felt.  The same staff members, same building, same square tiles on the floor, same plastic chairs, same time out rooms, same feeling of helplessness when you realize that there is no way out, no matter what you do.   I woke up trembling, and I can't shake that horrible, heart wrenching feeling of losing my free will, I'm sure all of you know that feeling.  It's the one when you wake up in the morning in a phaser room hoping that it was all just a bad dream, just to have your old comer bark at you to recite the steps.  There are no words to describe it.  It is the saddest, most frustrating, infuriating, helpless, hopeless, feeling that I have every experienced.  

I know that hearing about others dreams is a bit mundane, but the crowd here is the only one who can relate (memories of staff asking 'who can relate?').  I have read posts of these program nightmares, and I have had dreams about the program, but never of this intensity.  It has been a few years since I graduated, and I have stopped my obsessive reading of fornits because I know that I need to move on with that part of my life.  Maybe this dream is a kick in the face that I haven't dealt with everything that happened when I was a prisoner of 6040 Branch Hill Guinea?  Once again, I apologize for the self analyzing, melodramatic post, I just needed to get it out, and here seemed the most appropriate place.

I had the nightmare dream many times after my ten months in KHK. Very similar to this one. The mind seems to require time to catch up and realize that the experience is finished, that it is no longer a target of thought reform. My nightmares went away with time and have never returned. I believe turning eighteen buried them by default; becoming legal and out of reach of the program diminishes the chances of one of these nightmares resurfacing. That's how it was for me. But I think that what is at the core of these dreams is the lingering chance of another betrayal, another incarceration, and no escape. I don't think my mind is capable of conjuring a KHK dream now, and I hope your nightmares are numbered (hopefully over) like mine were.

When were you in KHK and for how long? I had the displeasure of their acquaintance and unwanted intimacies in 1983-84.