Aspen Education's "Troubled Teen Test"

[Anne Bonney]

Oops, clicked on the wrong little guys.




:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


http://www.troubledteentest.info/

This test is constructed for the purpose of parents to determine the necessity of their teen entering a Residential Treatment Center, Wilderness Camp, or other 24/7 placement. All information submitted is confidential and is not stored on our servers.

Once you have completed the test, a percentage-based Residential Placement Indicator will be displayed. This value is computed scientifically, and reflects the results of years of research by our top-quality, Masters-level staff. There will be a placement recommendation, as well as a list of relevant links to websites that may be of further help to you and your troubled teen.

Please check which selection reflects your child's current situation with regards to sexual activity. Remember, girls have to be checked once a week by their fathers for virginity.

Talks to his friends like he's a stud, but maybe has done it once or twice
She's just like her mother, only her mother gets paid for it
Doesn't have sex, but his computer chair's always sticky
She doesn't wear dresses like God intended her to wear.
Is THIS why she always gets A's in that one class?!
She tells me she doesn't even look at the boys in that way, and I believe her. Hold up, someone's selling the Brooklyn Bridge on Ebay...
He hasn't have sex with a single girl in a while. (Usually he has it with two at once.)
Wait, you mean she's not actually going to their houses to play Parcheesi?
We solved this problem a while back. Dildos and Fleshlights don't get STDs.
None of the above

Please check which currently reflects your child's situation with regards to drugs.

Doesn't do drugs, at least that I know of
Doesn't need drugs- he's always like this
All our spoons seem to be burned for some weird reason
We put him on all the drugs he's on, but he seems to run out too fast and he always has money...
I know he doesn't do drugs, because I watch him like a hawk on the nights he's home
I suspect my son or daughter might be using marijuana, and this frightens me.
Just his usual 'roids
He told me it was an "herbal relaxant". And wasn't that resin for Home Ec class?
None of the above

Please check all music, books, and video games you've found on your child's computer or in his room that might make his brain unclean (and potentially in need of a good washing)

KMFDM
Rammstein
NME
Eminem
The Beatles
N'Sync
Puff Daddy
Hanson
Elvis

The Anarchist's Cookbook
Mein Kampf
Dungeons & Dragons
The I Chong
1984
Help At Any Cost
Billy & Howard
Brave New World
Paranoia sourcebooks
Harry Potter
Harry Potter fanfiction
Ecce Homo, or anything else by Nietzsche
The Necronomicon
The Pet Goat
The Al-Qaeda Handbook
The Road to Reality, or anything else by Penrose

Doom
Quake
Half-Life
The Sims
Super Mario Bros. 3
Tetris
Diablo 2
Cheats and hacks for Diablo 2 (Note: If you find any software of this sort on your child's system, put him into a suitable program immediately, like SIBS or something. Fucking cheaters.)
Disgaea
Grand Theft Auto (They named a crime after this game!)
BitTorrent, which is where he got all this stuff in the first place

Regular porn
Japanese porn
Bondage porn (And if she's into THAT, send her to Peninsula Village where she can get much more than she bargained for)
Furry porn
Infantilist porn (Send him away NOW NOW NOW!! Huh? Oh, that's just the dark cackle of irony you hear. It'll pass in a mo'.)
The full Goatse series
Porn of kids his own age
Videos of you and your spouse having sex
Videos of himself and his hot trophy stepmom having sex (lol, owned)

Please check all of the following warning signs that may apply to your troubled teen. Remember, if you don't know if he's doing it, you can assume that he is doing it!

Wears all black
Wears all white
Wears T-Shirts with slogans you can't understand
Is fond of Chuck Norris Facts
Might be a hacker (Read the associated warning signs for more information)
Uses a green avatar of a faceless man, over which is written "No Picture Available"
Reads webcomics
Glides along smooth floors
Hates you
Hates a certain ethnic group
Hates pretty much everyone equally
Red eyes, talks backwards, head spins around, etc
Is very polite, very civil, and everything just seems to happen the way he wants it to...
Knows more about firearms than you do (e.g. which end to hold one from)
Can't get enough of throwing peasants around in Black & White
Molds Play-Doh at his age, but puts wires into it, and calls it see-for or something
Has at least one friend who descends from a line of professional assassins
Has irrational fears that you might hire thugs to abduct her at 3 AM (Really, whatever could give her that idea?)
Has batshit insane parents who really think that online "troubled teen tests" are worth anything, and really believe that months at the (lack of) mercy of uneducated, sadistic "counselors" with diploma-mill degrees can provide any kind of real help

[SettleForNothingLess]

is this for real!?  SHEESH

[Anne Bonney]

No.  Scary how you think it is though, huh?  I love the fact that this comes up second when you Google "Aspen Education Bain Capital".

http://www.aspeneducation.info/

 :rofl:

[SettleForNothingLess]

hell ya

[TheWho]

Is fond of Chuck Norris Facts

Ha,Ha,Ha,  I like this one!!

Hates you
Hates a certain ethnic group
Hates pretty much everyone equally

Ha,Ha,Ha  Oh No!  Someone call Niles!  See if he is still safe.


Mind if I send your list to the office!!

That made my whole day, Anne, thanks!!



...

[Troll Control]

TheWhore is a fucking dumbass.  If that "made your day" you need to get off your fat ass, out from in front of the computer and get yourself a life, loser.

[TheWho]

TheWhore is a fucking dumbass.  If that "made your day" you need to get off your fat ass, out from in front of the computer and get yourself a life, loser.

Oh!  Loosen up, you guys are so stiff.  It is funny!!

[SettleForNothingLess]

i think its funny as shiiiiatttt also... being a former ASPEN kid, its hilarious because i wasnt sure whether it was real or not.

[Anonymous]

oh yeah you gotta watch out when your kid starts wearing black man its all down hill from there...pleezzzzzz actually art therepists say black is chosen by someone who is confident...but parents get scared when thier child starts to branch out to find his identity (through trial and error sometimes) parents want to maintain CONTROL and FORCE when a child is desperately just trying to grow up.. give em space dont react with fear regain respect and reevaluate your changing relationship and choose LOVE

[TheWho]

oh yeah you gotta watch out when your kid starts wearing black man its all down hill from there...pleezzzzzz actually art therepists say black is chosen by someone who is confident...but parents get scared when thier child starts to branch out to find his identity (through trial and error sometimes) parents want to maintain CONTROL and FORCE when a child is desperately just trying to grow up.. give em space dont react with fear regain respect and reevaluate your changing relationship and choose LOVE

Or wearing all White, who would have thought.  The 2 favorites from my email responses were......

Reading:

Paranoia sourcebooks

The Al-Qaeda Handbook



...

[Anonymous]

Or wearing all White, who would have thought.  The 2 favorites from my email responses were......

Reading:

Paranoia sourcebooks

The Al-Qaeda Handbook

...

Hey Who ...

[TheWho]

A rebellious tool in all black….!!



Ha,Ha,Ha



...

[Anne Bonney]

i think its funny as shiiiiatttt also... being a former ASPEN kid, its hilarious because i wasnt sure whether it was real or not.

Yep, that's it.  The line between reality and satire is pretty frigging thin here.  Funny but sad.



http://www.parentcheckin.com/assessment ... 5B163D5%7D

Aspen Education Group
ASSESSMENT TEST
Please complete the following questionnaire to determine if your child may need placement services. All information submitted is confidential. The results will be displayed upon pressing the submit button.

Has your child had recurring problems due to..
Any traumatic events or changes in his /her life? (i.e. abuse, divorce, death,etc.)
   Yes       No
Inability to manage anger
   Yes       No

Within the last six months, has your child:
Had any changes in behavior and / or mood? (i.e. sad, angry, withdrawn, etc.)
   Yes       No
Exhibited depressive symptoms? (i.e. weight loss, weight gain, excessive sleep, etc.)
   Yes       No
Had problems getting along with others?
   Yes       No
Do you suspect that your child has used drugs or alcohol?
   Yes       No
Has your child disregarded family rules and parental guidance?
   Yes       No
Has you child been able to escape consequences due to the ability to manipulate people and situations?
   Yes       No
Had problems in school? (i.e. poor grades, challenging authority, etc.)
   Yes       No
Intentionally frightened others?
   Yes       No
Made threatening statements in writing?
   Yes       No
Implied that they may have a plan for violent or suicidal behavior?
   Yes       No
Implied that they have identified a target for violence?
   Yes       No
Been destructive to property?
   Yes       No






And "Don't Delay".   Sign 'em up now!



http://www.aspeneducation.com/Article-august.html

 A new school year is always promising. A fresh start, new teachers, different classes…like the New Year itself, the start of a new school year holds plenty of potential. So much in fact, that you may be tempted to think it even holds the answer to your child's pattern of academic or behavioral problems. You may even decide to postpone enrolling your teen in a boarding program in order to "wait and see" how they do during the first few weeks of the semester.

While this approach can work (a teen may make extra effort if he/she mistakenly perceives boarding school as a threat rather than a solution, for example) most of the time it only prolongs the inevitable. Worse still, it could even prevent your child from getting the help they need to make some positive life changes.


Even if your kid is improving at home, send 'em anyway.  Reminds me of Newton's "dry druggie" theory.

If you've considered enrolling your teen in a therapeutic day or boarding school, here are five reasons to enroll now – not wait for mid-semester:

   1. Same school, different year. Your child will certainly have matured see above in blue  over the summer, but if your teen has been labeled a "problem" in the past, they are likely to continue having difficulties as long as they are enrolled at that institution. After all, for all intents and purposes, the school's policies and academic approach will remain the same.

   2. Escape the pressure of peer pressure. Just as the school's philosophy and approach won't change just because your teen is moving into a new grade level, neither will their peer group. And if your teen seems susceptible to unhealthy peer group influence, that's probably not going to change until they are able to distance themselves from that group. And while that may sound simple enough, shifting social ties is an emotionally difficult experience for the most well-balanced teen.

yeah, no shit.  And being in a confrontational, degrading and humiliating environment does not a healthy child make.


   3. The chance for change. A new school year may promise a new start, but a new school environment (complete with new staff and new peers) can give your teen the space to be themselves  Huh?  Are they serious?? – and to deal with specific academic or behavioral challenges in an environment specifically designed to offer the emotional, personal and classroom support they need. A caring boarding school community is designed to provide that support 24/7.

   4. Start the year on the right foot – and stay there. Boarding schools that cater specifically to the needs of students struggling with social, behavioral or academic problems provide support for parents and families, not just the individual student. Boarding schools also work hard to provide thorough, timely and consistent communication, progress reports and updates.   Yeah, the 'work hard' to provide communication and updates.  Restricted and monitored communication between parent and child does not trust develop.  They also offer the resources to foster a stronger, healthier, more positive relationship between you and your teen. How when they're separated for so long with little communication and what little there is, is monitored by staff?  Starting this process as soon as possible will help you and your teen start the new school year feeling positive and optimistic rather than trapped in a stereotype they feel unable to shake.

   5. Postponing enrollment could mean missing enrollment. Boarding enrollment fills up fast. The longer you wait before deciding to enroll your teen in a boarding program, the less chance you have of getting them into the program of your choice. By the time the school year starts, most boarding programs find their enrollment full – often with a waiting list. In fact, access to the best programs can be next to impossible once the school year has begun.

If you would like to talk to a counselor about how a boarding school could benefit your child, please fill out a contact form call (888) 972-7736

[TheWho]

Good Post Anne.....  I think fornits is finally starting to soften a little.

Has your child had recurring problems due to..
 
Any traumatic events or changes in his /her life? (i.e. abuse, divorce, death,etc.)

Inability to manage anger


Within the last six months, has your child:
 
Had any changes in behavior and / or mood? (i.e. sad, angry, withdrawn, etc.)

Exhibited depressive symptoms? (i.e. weight loss, weight gain, excessive sleep, etc.)

Had problems getting along with others?

Do you suspect that your child has used drugs or alcohol?

Has your child disregarded family rules and parental guidance?

Has you child been able to escape consequences due to the ability to manipulate people and situations?

Had problems in school? (i.e. poor grades, challenging authority, etc.)

Intentionally frightened others?

Made threatening statements in writing?

Implied that they may have a plan for violent or suicidal behavior?

Implied that they have identified a target for violence?

Been destructive to property?
 

This is a great  list and a good start for parents to take a look at.  This may also be a good candidate for a “Stickyâ€

[Anonymous]

This is a great list and a good start for parents to take a look at. This may also be a good candidate for a “Stickyâ€