I on the other hand have had many many all out brawls with my mother, and although they may have been painful at the time, she is my mother, and I honestly feel it has helped us to get our relationship back. I guess for me maybe it was different. I really needed her to see what happened to me, but I always tried to approach it without blaming her and in the most understanding fashion that I could. When I wasn't in her presence I would try and close my eyes and put myself in her shoes back then.At the time that my parents put me into Kids Helping Kids my mother and father had recently seperated, I was experimenting , getting bad grades at school, and getting into minor brushes with the law. I was still a good kid but was having some troubles due to an unhappy homelife for me. In saying this, my mother was extrememly stressed out back then. She did not know what to do about much. People, tough love groups preyed on this with her, and then the program preyed on this with her as well. I understand this, and what happened, and I have let my mother know this over and over. I also do feel that she did suffer from some brainwashing from them, maybe not to the degree that I did but definitely something. Just cause I understand these things about her does not make what I went through any less or trivialized it just makes me more patient with her and understand the situation as a whole instead of in parts that I only want to see, or choose to see.
Also when I did have verbal brawls with her, it was out of my need to reclaim my mommy. I really wanted my mom back as mine and not what I felt that "they" had stolen from me. Yes as I said earlier I had a miserable home life before the program but I still have always wanted and needed my moms love regardless, it is what happens when ye are someones child.
The verbal brawls mainly would take place over the phone, there would be hang ups on both of our parts at times, b/c it would get to heated. I am not going to lie I would cuss and scream b/c I had so much anger. She would say snide things that she knew would hurt b/c she had anger to. At that point I knew what I was angry about, but I am not so sure that she knew at that point just exactly what she was angry about from that place. For a long time I believe she knew I was "different" after that place but just couldnt put her finger on it, she kept to herself about it and it made her angry and bothered. Then I would be confrontative about it and the brawl would ensue. I still stand by that sometimes the brawls were necessary to get to the heart of the matter, but I had to remain focused to actually try and get to the heart of the matter. The heart of my part of the matter is that someone gave me major boo boos and I wanted my mommy to help "fix" them and repair them.
I realized that child mother instinct was strong with us and it simply just needed repair. I was willing to go through the veral brawls with her because it was worth anything to get that relationship back.
Unfortunately I cannot and am not able to say the same about my father because it is a way different relationship, as in we never ever had one anyway. I needed my mother to see my wounds and acknowledge them. My emotional growth was stunted by that damn place, so in a way I needed to "revisit" adolescence with her in a way through the brawls about that place to go back through, and "re-script" our relationship into a new one for future.
I totally do know what ye mean about re-invention with mothers.
I dont know exactly why they do it...being right could be one motive.....fearing the truth and failure is another and a big one as well. I am a mother and I personally would not like to know that I failed in a major area with one of my precious babies, but I am also a different person and I cannot see myself re-inventing, but what I could see myself doing is at least having the strong urge to re-invent if I did fail but I would be capable of making the right choice I would hope and own either what I had done or not done.
-DP
edited for typos.
