I have nothing left

[str8h8er]

I have nothing left. The spark, my fight is no longer there.

I went to bed last night feeling at peace with death.

[Anne Bonney]

I hear ya.  I really do.  There have been many times since finding the boards that I've felt that way.  There's no easy way through it, but it does get better.  Please hang in there and PM me or someone, anyone if you get squirrely.

Take care
 ::dove::

[hanzomon4]

Hey do you need to talk?

Know that these moments pass. So don't give up, just take a break from life until you can deal better. That's how I have coped with chronic depression for many years. If you need to talk to someone that has been through Straight just wait for them to show up, K?

It will be ok  ::dove::

[Anonymous]

If you're going to kill yourself, can you please take as many programmise as you can with you?

[Rachael]

I've been going through something very like this recently. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my mother is actually dangerous and trying to hurt me, my sisters are in a position where they have no other choice but to be on her side as they are all still under her care, my husband is not ever going to be as reliable as I need him to be, and I have no real friends I can turn to or trust. I am alone. I have only myself to rely on, and I cannot take a break from carrying the world on my shoulders or everything will fall apart.

It is very hard, but somehow I am managing to still get up every morning and do what I have to do. We'll see how much longer I can pull it off.

Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, message me somehow.

gmail and yahoo IM: asymptote.friday

[str8h8er]

I am OK.

I am just feeling very overwelmed right now. In almost every capacity.

I recognize that I must come to terms with the fact that my mother does not want to partake in helping me "heal".

I recognize that I have to take responsibility for me, my actions. I can not control others and I can not make them care.

I can not continue to set myself up for this shit. I cant. So, in order to shield myself, I must shut everyone out. Everyone IRL that is. I know deep in my gut that I am alone, I always have been and I always will be.

My husband gets very angry with me when I question his loyalty and my lack of "full" trust of him. He just does not understand. Although he agrees whole-heartedly that I was delt the worst family in history.

My father, the uptight conservative REPUBLICAN (dont hate me for his faults), with whom I have not spoken to in about 2 years has complied with my request of him to visit the straights, and other various web sites. He called me 4 times last night telling me things that I have already read. He kept telling me it was all a conspiracy.

Even though I felt as though someone cared enough to check this out when I asked them too, I am skeptical. He can not be trusted either.

Somewhere I have lost a part of me that I never even knew. I have a long road ahead of me.

[CStrickland]

I am so sorry you are in a valley right now. I know it can be overwheming looking at the long road to haul. But I can assure you it can get better when given the time to heal.

I have been very lucky that for whatever reason the memories don't haunt me as much. I have to try real hard. Then I can see faces and situations. So I don't visit there to often. Straight was only apart of it for me. My homelife sucked. Wont even go there this second. I arrived at straight in shackles and handcuffs becuase I was court ordered from detention in Maryland. They tryed to play me off as some betty bad ass and everyone messed with me from day one.

I cop'd out twice. Obviously never to come back. But then the real fun started. anyways.

All I wanted to say as that I understand. I would love to talk with you  either on the phone or IM, sup' to you.

Christi Strickland....Springfield Hell. 85-86

BTW, anyone else have to go to school at the Christain Learning Center on Franconia Road? And that long friggin walk

Who's highlight of the day was singing By By Miss American pie?

Or they used to let me get up and sing with some guy on guitar Horse with No Name. Cheap Thrills.

[BuzzKill]

I know it seems like no body cares. I am often a bit depressed and frustrated with a lack or concern by those around me. But try and remember there are plenty of good people who do care and care a lot - and who are doing all they can to try and correct the problem.

There are survivor advocates like yourself who have put massive amounts of time and effort into various web sites to educate as many as possible.

There are journalist and authors who have written very insightful books and articles.

There are attorneys who have put in hours of extremely valuable time to protect and defend the rights of survivors and advocates.

There are politicians who have written legislation that would help make it more difficult to operate these hellish shit holes with out interference.

So, there are a lot of good folks working hard.

About your dad. He too, may need a little moral support and counseling in the coming days. It is shocking when the reality comes hitting home. Shocking when the magnitude of it - the history of it - the politics of it - slam you upside the head - and you realize how ignorant and pathetically naive you've been.

He'll try to talk to his friends about it - and they'll look at him like he has lost his mind. They might think he has in fact, "gone roun' the bend".  It'll take a while to get his sense of who he is in this new world.

It is a dark valley you've stumbled into, when you first begin to understand the realities of this "industry".

[CStrickland]

Thank you for your post Buzz

[White Cracker Man]

I too have been feeling very,very depressed alot lately.

It is a terrible, terrible feeling to say the least, feels like you keep descending down a bottomless pit of hell.

I have spent many a night thinking that maybe it would be best if I died in my sleep.

All I can say is I hope we all feel better.

[Anne Bonney]

I didn't talk to my dad for 6 years.  We just started about a year ago and that contact has been infrequent to say the least.  We haven't talked about Straight yet.  I've mentioned some things in passing but I'm not ready to go there with him because I know pretty much what he'll say and I don't have the energy to debate the issue with him.  He's realized some things, but all the rationalizations are there.  Unless he's ready to admit that the whole thing was bullshit and fucked up, ALL of it....without the 'but we were scared' excuses or 'we didn't know what to do with you' crap, I can't go there with him.   Now that I've been a parent of a kid who's done twice as much as I ever thought about doing before I went in, there's no rationalizing.  There is no justification. Period.

It's taken me 20 years of knock down drag outs (not physically, with him at least) to get out even the smallest bit of anger I've got for what was done to me, but I guess its been enough to allow me to start speaking to him again.  In the half dozen times I've seen him in the past year and a half its always been with either my kids or husband and we just talked about the weather or the kids or the boat.  Surface stuff, but I can tell he's at least trying.  Meh, its a start.  

I wish I could tell you how I got to this point.  Not that I'm all friggin happy, quite the contrary a lot of the time.  I've just accepted that I'll never have what I want out of the relationship but he's getting older and I'll take what I can get for now.  there's no arguing, no judgment.  No reason anymore.  My kids are grown, they have nothing on me.  I'll never, ever be able to get back what Straight took from me.  Ever.  I'll never be able to repair what they broke.  Its gone and I'm forever changed.  That's a bitter pill to swallow even if you know it intellectually.  I spent 20 years trying to get it back.  I spent 20 years trying to figure out why.  I spent 20 years trying to make him see.  I spent 20 years trying to 'live up'.  I wasted a lot of time.





I'm vaping in honor of us all.  That's one of the few, true refuges I've found.

 ::dove::  :smokin:





edited to add:  You're right, he's not to be trusted.  I don't trust my father.  I've just somehow accepted what I have.  That's another thing they really fucked with in there...our instincts.  Our natural instincts were screaming out that this was wrong and dangerous but we were being told, by the people we trusted the most, that we were loved and this was good and safe.  

No, they're not to be trusted.   That's your natural defense, your little voice.  Listen to it.

Peace.

[str8h8er]

I took a few days to get myself together. Being here sometimes is too much.

I am doing better today then I was the other day. May have something to do with the fact that I fucked up and took my meds twice today.  ::bangin::  I feel jacked up with a residual headache.

I appreciate all the posts. I know you guys know what it's like. Sometime I just get fed up.

They are showing Over the GW at the University of MD in College Park for the month of October. I mentioned it to my father and he would like to go see it with me.

I am not really sure I want to do that yet. I watched the trailer and just seeing that girl motivate made me wanna knock somebodies head off.

Everyday my father is more and more shocked at what he finds. Seeing him freak out about it certainly doesn't help my anger, but it does validate the situation for me a little bit.

Haven't heard from my mom since the BIG blow out the other day. I am cool with it all though. If she can't face it, then fuck her. I am tired of her saying "I went through the program too" and "I had to be there every parents night". Big whoop dee Doo. Parents night. Golly, that must have been so fucking hard to have to go to the parents meeting. (Anger creeping back)

Anyway, wanted to say thanks, for listening, understanding. I have a very important errand to run now....... ::bandit::  ::bandit::  ::bandit::

[Anonymous]

Having read all your posts, I feel incredibly sad, a real deep down in the pit of my stomach sad, being in the same situation myself over the years, I found myself never at peace with me because my mum wouldn't give me the one thign I desperately needed, and that was admission of everything she put me through, she's always been in total denial about it all and I spent alot of years letting it eat me alive that she is too goddamn selfish to give me a simpe thing I ask for to help me heal, just to say it did all happen and she's sorry

But it's never going to happen, I did have to take a few years out from having any contact with her, hell I even threatened to slit her throat if she came near, but then somewhere along the line, I got to thinking she's hurt me in the past so much it will affect the rest of my life, so why let her hurt me anymore? What she did was enough to last me a lifetime, I'm not going to let her add to that

yes it's left me alone, very much so, I am the same as str8h8ter the way i feel about this, but somehow, i don't know when this happened, I decided it was better to that way, everyone is right, it does ease and you do come through if you just hang on.

Just remember, you can be lonely in a room full of a thousand people, but you're never alone

Exhausted