I think we all feel as you do some degree or another.
I know i spent years trying to "go on with my life" to prove to myself that they had not ruined me for life only to find after years of struggle and diappointment that they infact had. Many had told me that I needed to accept reality for years, but that meant they had effected me forever.
I tried everything and was somewhat stable. for me, my damage was more physical than mental. I exercised, worked hard two or three jobs, no drugs, no criminal record, i even had the very high morals and standards for myself. I tried soooo hard to be the opposit of what we were in there.
I went to school , college, I had the highest grade point average EVER in that school. I was on top of the world, only soon my heart would fail me again and force me to change careers, no problem, I worked my butt off , read alll I could get my hands on my new career became asistant manager in a mostly male world , I finannly had enough money to survive, Only with a pacemaker (that I received at age 18 shortly after leaving straight) my pacemaker couldnt handle the new electronics in the new cars. So, fine change careers again, during that whole time my back was a always a challenge, my back failed shortly after straight as well. so career number 3 or 4 , Again went to school higher than a 4.0 grade average, graduated got a job, not long on the job and my pacemaker battery failed. This extended absence lost me that career, and my back had failed again. I ended up on disability. I fought back though, In just five years, i manage to get off disability , i beat high school kids in swim test, i had my certification as a lifeguard, and I had been one of the first young people to be a rescue diver, one of the first with a pacemaker. I had a new career on the water for five more years, when my back failed again only this time to the inevitable paralysis and then heart attack.
Withing months of leaving straight i received a pacemaker, third youngest in the state, my back had already had blown disk. I have lost many careers to my health. My credit was ruined from the time I walked out of there because i have to have the pacemaker replaced every five years to the tune of over forty grand.
then many many years later after many fights, and remakin my life many times, and having everything takin from me financially AGAIN. I have accepted the fact that the damage they did is permant. I will not get up again only to be knocked back down.
I wish I could tell you that they didnt ruin people for ever but they did. Now, as for mentally , I know there is maybe one or two places that say they can help, I don't know anyone to date that has the skills to handle our level of ptsd.
there has never been help for us, no one has offered their services to us knowing that most all of us can not afford to live much less counseling.
I have learned that time heals alot. It for me anyway never healed it all. I have had to learn with what is left. I have had to learn to accept it.
the most difficult for me is there is no justice and that the Semblers refuse to see what they have done or be man enough to make any attempt to fix it.
It amazes me that they are still alive as cruel and sadistic as they have been to thousands. Not, that I want them dead, it seems to quick and painless to be justice.
I would perfer that they be forced to "admit the exact nature of their wrongs".
One thing I do know, is that we of all people do at times need each other. I do know that working together and not emotionally hurting each other and working as a group in a constructive way is my revenge..
