Possible alternative??

[try another castle]

I've been thinking about this for a while, and please feel free to poke holes in my idea, but I was wondering, "OK, so what DO parents do with a teen they want to place in a TBS/Wilderness/Boot Camp?"

My idea: foreign exchange student program

Even if there is nothing wrong with the kid and the parents are being ridiculous, there is nothing wrong with a little perspective, you know? Learn a new culture, meet new people, fuck a new girlfriend/boyfriend, be in an entirely different place away from your family and friends that your parents obviously don't approve of. (They'll still be there when you get back.) It would be especially adventagous if the  host home has a sibling the same age as the kid, so he/she can teach them how to get into all sorts of trouble.

I'm sure some parents will argue.. "but this is rewarding them for bad behavior!"

My response is, "Is this about punishment, or about help and growth?"

I don't care how "awful" a kid is, I think they certainly have the potential to benefit from this. I know that if I went abroad when I was 16, the culture shock alone would have snapped my ass into shape, because I would want to at least meet new people.

If academics are an issue, there are cultural exchange programs they can take over the summer, which do not require them to learn the language before they go, and they do not have to have a minimum GPA. It's for about a two month period, max.

http://www.mindspring.com/~bennettusa/usteen.html

If the kid is reluctant to study some of the culture beforehand,  you can simply say "Hey, if you don't learn this stuff, you will NEVER get laid over there."

Obviously, I certainly wouldn't want any sort of foreign exchange program to crop up that is geared for troubled teens, because I could certainly see that backfiring, and we could end up with host homes as terrible as those from Straight. I'm talking legit student exchange.

The trick is to get the kid to want to go. I know when I was that age, there were certainly countries I would have LOVED to visit if given the chance. (Especially Japan.) Maybe other teens feel the same way?

And besides, the kid's parents can trade up for a new model for a few months by becoming a host family themselves.


I dunno, maybe I'm being too idealistic.

I wanted to bounce it around with you guys first, and if enough people think it is a good idea, I might toss it out there on the struggling teens site. (Let's see how long it lasts.)

[Ursus]

I love it.

Here's another idea, another option, for a kid who wants something more hands on:  volunteer work of some sort in a country that could use a helping hand, e.g., perhaps an apprenticeship-type stint for a few months in the summer.  Might not even need to be in another country.  Could be USA crisis- or poverty-stricken areas...

If some organization were to work out the kinks re. housing and sustenance for the stints, I bet it would be a very attractive option for parents, of all kids, not just those of "troubled teens"... esp. if there were to be some kind of recognition for said efforts bolstering the attractiveness of said kid's college application portfolio.

[Oz girl]

This is exactly what my parents did with me. They hated my older boyfriend as he was awful. Awful sexy !!! They did not want to ban him outright and turn it into some kind of romeo and juliet sort of thing. But my dad figured it was a perfect time for me to go from being a day girl to a boarder at school. Exeat weekends therefore often consisted of me shouting profanities at my mum and stomping off to cry because Boarding school had cooled the romance of the century and it was all my parents fault. But also I was getting into a little bit of trouble at school and pissing the nuns off alot.

 It was actually the headmistress at school that suggested I do an exchange because she felt it would be "broadening". I went to a boys boarding school in Rhode island which was letting girls in for the first time. I had a great time, was a little homesick at times but basically it was a really positive experience. I got a pretty good education at the particular school I was at and really liked the far more laid back uniform policy. My classmates whinged about a dress code but in comparison the the ridiuclous get up that I had to wear every day at home it felt pretty good to me.
The experience of being an outsider was also something that did build my self esteem in lots of ways. i was one of the better swimmers on the swim team because all of my teammates were from a colder climate and the exotic novelty factor worked in my favour socially.

To be honest when it was suggested to me I could not believe my luck. My parents were somewhat concerened about rewarding the fact that i had not had a fantastic semester particularly my father. But castle you are right . If It is about getting a kid to calm down a bit then it is a far more compassionate way of getting the same apparent result than picking a kid up in the middle of the night in a paddy wagon and taking them to a private jail.
 
At the end of the day I think an exchange does help kids to moderate their behaviour  because while they may be happy to scream at their own mother for being the most fascist bitch  in the whole world, it is rare that they will do this to a complete stranger. While it is true that when i came back i was hardly a "whole new girl" I did appreciate my life here a bit more and finished high school without too many big dramas.

[try another castle]

Aside from the perspective thing, I think that one thing that might be needed in these situations is for everyone to get the hell away from each other, which is why I thought about student exchange. Since obviously, the other option sure doesn't do anything productive.

[Ursus]

AHAAH!  So you do have some inkling of Life in the States, Oz Girl!   :rofl:    Ah, let me see... Rhode Island, eh?  Hmmm....

Very wise Headmistress, I must say!  And it did do the trick, huh?!  You lucked out.

The power of the occasional mentors and "maneuverers" in our lives cannot be underestimated!

[Truth Searcher]

Hmmmm.

I suppose it depends on the "issues" that the teen is struggling with.  For my daughter, this would not have been a good option.  

She was clinically depressed.  Cutting herself.  Doing some hardcore drugs.   What host family would want to take on those types of issues?  

On the other hand, for those kids who are experiencing some level of angst, a culture change would be a good thing.  I especially like the idea of humanitarian outreach for kids.  There is nothing more fulfilling than giving of oneself IMHO.    In my hometown, the opportunities to be an exchange student are reserved for those kids who are top of the class.  A kid who is marginal, in trouble with the law, or not a 4.0 would never ever be considered.  It's a sad truth.

In hindsight, I wish I would have tried to send my daughter to live with a grandparent or aunt/uncle, etc.  Someplace where she could have changed schools, communities and her status quo.  And it would have given our family a chance to "cool down" and learn some better communication dynamics.

[Anonymous]

This is by far the most novel idea with a lot of good potential I've seen in a long time.

[Anonymous]

I also think that as a realistic alternative, Castle's idea should not be thrown out of the range of possibility so quickly, Truth Searcher. I recognize that while there are many things that could go wrong, the benefits to the long range development of the teen would be astronomical in either the volunteer setting or the volunteer FOREIGN aspect. As for finding "hardcore" drugs as a fourteen year old in another country, I think we can agree that it would take much more than affluent street smarts.

It's a good plan. Run with it.

[Anonymous]

It is only an alternative if the kid is willing.  Also, many of these programs require good grades and recommendations.
Many of these teens refuse to leave their social network and comfort zone for any reason- may be a girlfriend/boyfriend or drug connection, but they are not motivated to go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Also, as for depression and self inflicted suicidal thoughts in the mid- teens. While I think every "attempt" to garner attention through suicidal acts and carving should be heeded seriously, I firmly believe that there are stages that depressed and normally chemically and hormonally wild youths go through. If the stressors to the current situation are relieved, and the distractions of another way of life, and culture where at hand, I'm sure I'd forget my petty problems. Talking to my parents a month after being dropped off in Japan would be enjoyable. Talking to the Japanese boy whose been going to my school and talking to my friends and sleeping in my bed in my parents house, would be so cool!. Clinical depression aside, other countries have psychiatrists, and as a trend they don't believe a pill will solve the problem. They would suggest a combination of change of scenery, stressors, and real therapy in the cases of true constant depression for a struggling teen, wouldn't they?

[Truth Searcher]

Castle's idea should not be thrown out of the range of possibility so quickly, Truth Searcher

I wasn't aware that I threw the possibility out.  I merely suggested that there are potentialities that would negate this for teens who are struggling with some heavy duty psychological issues.  


Quoted by Truth Searcher

for those kids who are experiencing some level of angst, a culture change would be a good thing.

I do support this for many kids who are put in TBS's for lesser reasons (ie: failing grades, truancy, drug use, etc.) if the child sees this as an opportunity rather than a punishment.

Trouble is ... how many kids who are entrenched in a troubled lifestyle see an experience abroad as an opportunity?  My guess is not many.

[Anonymous]

exactly, it's a win win situation for the concerned families: the kid is going somewhere they don't (at first) want to be. The parents know their separating their children from the angst and stressful situations at home, and also that the teens will be learning priceless future skills that are pliable to the workplace. That's very different than the programs known as TBS's.

[Anonymous]

A lot of posters here accuse parents of "wanting to get rid of their kid" or "wanting to ship off their problem to someone else". I think this is another version of that.

exactly, it's a win win situation for the concerned families: the kid is going somewhere they don't (at first) want to be. The parents know their separating their children from the angst and stressful situations at home, and also that the teens will be learning priceless future skills that are pliable to the workplace.

This sounds like you are describing a program.


 

That's very different than the programs known as TBS's.

Not really just a change of location. Instead of wilderness, it's in some city. If the kid has issues, then what makes you think their host parents will not be even worse than their normal parents?

And the person who said a 14 year old wouldn't be able to find drugs overseas, that is the dumbest thing I've heard, of course they would be able to. I would of hated this idea at that age, to leave all my friends, school and day to day life would not have been something I would have done willingly.

[Anonymous]

Trouble is ... how many kids who are entrenched in a troubled lifestyle see an experience abroad as an opportunity?  My guess is not many.

Exactly. Very few is my guess, the one's who never should of even been considered for private placement in the first place. This idea is another in the long line of ideas from program survivors. I take issue with these ideas because it suggests that kids need to be sent far from home. I disagree with this philosophy. There are community based treatment models that are much more effective and allow the kid to accept these ideas into their life. Otherwise , nothing changes when they come home. They have their overseas life, and then when they come home everything is EXACTLY the same as when they left it. No family therapy, no therapy, no anything.

If a kid is in well enough condition to be able to deal with overseas travel, then they are well enough to stay at home.

I'd say make the argument that many kids do not belong in programs at all, and the ones that do belong in real treatment and not abusive programs. But this has nothing to do with the troubled teen subject because you wouldn't send a troubled teen overseas in the first place, what good would it do? Why would they go willingly?

[Antigen]

This makes me think of Martha's Vineyard. I had a rich uncle who used to rent a cabin on the Vinyid every year and invite my mom and me and each of his kids friends and such. In her mind, the Vinyid was a wealthy person's playground and, therefore, safe from drugs and vice and all those things she associated w/ poverty. So, for two weeks out of the year,  I had a little freedom. Of course there were drugs and trouble on the Vinyid. It's a tourist destination for Christ's sake! But mom didn't see it so she didn't hassle me and so I got my mental health break each summer/

So I suppose anything that mollifies the parents fears w/o actually working the kid over would fill this bill?