Going back to what Psy was saying about the idiot psychiatrist telling you to burn your journals.....(after I go through the stupid trolling)
In a sense I can see why he wanted you to put that to bed, that cleansing ritual can be really good for you, but obviously in your case it hasn't worked....my concern here is why do you wish you could read back on them? It's almost like you've been taught that you are to blame, you are bad (in raps perhaps?) and you still have the need to look back and clarify that - please correct me if I'm barking up the wrong tree here.
You don't need journals really, everything that's happened is there in your memory, the stuff you blocked out is meant to be blocked, I've got a few years missing from my life, it's purely self preservation to avoid you going mental
Write it down, create a blog, set up a support group for survivors who feel the same as you, whatever it takes, do it, there's no point in your brain shutting off stuff you really can do without if you're going to drive yourself mad with what you do remember, paint, write poetry, write songs, blog, talk about all of the things you need to, it's therapeutic, get angry, cry, sob, laugh, be hysterical, go with whatever that particular memory makes you feel, when you've been taught to keep your feelings in about how something makes you want to react you're left dead inside, it's tie to become yourself again and let go of the emmotions you want to feel at that particular time, only when you can achieve the ability, the freedom & the awareness that you have the right to feel these things, will you begin to feel happy again
Be aware though, no-one is happy all the time, it's not possible, striving for perfection is unrealistic.
