Most fucked up ST parent ever

[exhausted]

it's not always the way - I left home at 16, i could not wait to get away from the dysfunctional household I lived in, I wasn't sent to a program unfortunately for me

I left home because there was no discipline, rules, boundaries - i hated it, my childhood was absolutely crap because of this - and it's something I'll never get back, my childhood was ruined because there was no parenting

The worst thing for an adult is to look back on an unhappy childhood, knowing they can never regain those years

[try another castle]

I wasn't sent to a program unfortunately for me

 

Why would you say that? You think you would have been better off if they had sent you? Maybe I'm misunderstanding your wording.

[exhausted]

Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult

[try another castle]

Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult

No program would have helped you with that. You would have just been beaten into submission (either figuratively or literally) until you repressed everything, and then once you got out, it would all backfire in your face.

I'm not diminishing the fact that you had a shitty upbringing. I believe you, but there's no point in replacing one form of abuse with another.

[exhausted]

Maybe not - what would I know? I am not an ex program kid so couldn't say, but I can say there are different forms of abuse and one of them is not being bought under control, it's more abusive than you'd think

[try another castle]

Maybe not - what would I know? I am not an ex program kid so couldn't say, but I can say there are different forms of abuse and one of them is not being bought under control, it's more abusive than you'd think

I absolutely agree with you. Negligence is a huge form of abuse. Most children would much rather have negative attention than none at all. One of my closest friends is enormously bitter about his upbringing, which had very little structure or parenting going on. He's borderline suicidal a lot, as well as a huge alcoholic. I once had to talk him down from stealing his mom's car to go kill his father, whom he hates with a passion because of how non-involved he was as a parent.

I guess my point was, that going from your abusive environment, into another equally abusive environment, probably wouldn't have helped much, even though the paradigm would shift from no supervision, to hyper-supervision. Abuse is abuse.

[exhausted]

I'll take that as said as I'll never know now

strange your friend took to alcohol over the  same thing, so did my brother  :-?  wonder if there's anything in that?
My other brother who was sent away always says he's thankful he was out of the home situation and he had a pretty horrible time of it at school

[try another castle]

strange your friend took to alcohol over the same thing, so did my brother  wonder if there's anything in that?

Possibly. Sadly, my friend's brother committed suicide, so he did worse off than my friend.

I was sent to a children's home when I was 14. (read: not a program.) It was rough, and I got my ass kicked by other kids a lot, but I also have very fond memories of the place, and the friends I made there. Sometimes on weekend visits, my parents and I would get into such horrible fights they would take me back early, in tears, and I would be glad for it. "Thank god I'm back!" I would hug my friends. So I can definitely see where your brother is coming from on that. It was a rough place, and there were some bad times, but it sure beat living at home with my mom. The staff were kind, but firm, and there were licensed social workers who worked with us. I learned some hard lessons, but they were valuable ones. Like taking accountability for your words (or else you're going to get pummeled by your classmates), street smarts, working your way up the pecking order and earning respect by standing up to people who fuck with you, having your first job and earning money. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. However, the two and a half years at CEDU, I could have done without. They basically erased all that I had learned up to that point, and twisted it into some mindfuck game. At least at the children's home, I was my own person, and had autonomy, and learned.

I'm not saying I know what kind of school  your brother went to, I'm just saying I understand being at a place that wasn't the easiest to get along at, and still preferring it to living at home. Most importantly, it was for my own reasons, as opposed to being brainwashed into thinking I belonged there.

I think I can safely say that my history of multiple placement definitely conditioned out of me the desire to ever live with my parents again.

[exhausted]

Well, myself and the brother who turned to drink were in children's homes, and the oldest brother went to an exclusive boarding school, it was a school for children who are too bright to cope in a mainstream school (I don't know if you have them in the US) all of the boys were the same, you had to be a really disruptive but overly bright kid to go there - it was really strict and the usual boarding school rules applied, he was abused there but even so he still says he's glad he had that rather than home

I understand how you felt about going back to the children's home, I didn't want to leave when they came to take me back home, the brother who turned to drink was left there for another year until he finished school, he didn't want to go home either

[Anonymous]

[exhausted]

meaning???

Too inept to type actual words?

[Anonymous]

no meaning.. just thought it was a funny picture

[Troll Control]

psy
                              Member
                              Member # 5340

                               posted                          


                                quote:

                                Originally posted by mose:
                                Psy
                                I said the same thing as you, but the difference
                                is when another parent says it we relate our
                                wisdom from experiences in raising a child, not
                                passing a judgment or pointng a finger to tell
                                them they are wrong for considering all options,
                                or feeling overwhelmed by their child.


                              If I had passed judgement or pointed a finger I
                              would not be here. Just becuase I post on "that
                              other site" does not mean I am here to judge you,
                              Dondi, or anybody else. Was what I posted that
                              different than any of the other responses (or
                              yours for that matter)?


                                quote:

                                It is not possible for you to have the same
                                depth of understanding or knowledge when you are
                                not a parent.


                              Nor is it possible for you to have the same first
                              hand understanding of the real clients of this
                              industry (the kids).


                                quote:

                                We value the perspective from other parents in
                                similar situations, we already know the child's
                                point of view (we were also teenagers once upon
                                a time).




                              Perhaps you do know your child's point of view,
                              perhaps not. How many ST parents have actually
                              been participants in program (TBS/RTC/WS/ABC)?


                                quote:

                                Once a parent is on this site most of us are
                                beyond asking our kids how to help them, we
                                usually are already in the abyss and so are our
                                kids.

                                This is not the case for this mom dondi, none of
                                us wrote her daughter needs a program, and all
                                of us said the same thing without your snide
                                judgemental undertone from "a child's point of
                                view".


                              Perhaps you are prejudiced based upon my
                              background. If the same words were spoken by a
                              different face, would they have a different
                              impact? Should they? Is it not the content of the
                              message that is important?


                                quote:

                                Most revealing about your lack of insight to the
                                parental process in helping out families is your
                                assumption that parents make decisions in
                                isolation without input from their family,
                                doctors, teachers and friends and jump on an out
                                of home placemat as a first resort.


                              Whoa. Where did I state anything like that? I was
                              not aware that we were even discussing out of home
                              placements at all?!?! Read my posts carefully. The
                              reference to my background, and the "sarcastic
                              comment" were the only two references to out of
                              home placements, neither of which had anything to
                              do with the core content of my reply.


                                quote:

                                This is not how it works; if your parents did it
                                that way I am, sorry you have such misinformed
                                parents. If you read how we all respond to other
                                parents, it is always asked if they tried to
                                help them at home and in the community first
                                before they consider an out of home placement.
                                And if it seems like normal growing issues that
                                is freakingout a parent we tell each other they
                                are over reacting, as we are all telling this
                                parent (from the infomation she has given us).

                                Your status as a child who had struggles is not
                                the same as a parent's status.


                              And therefore my opinion is irrelavant to the
                              discussion? It has been my experience that groups
                              of people with similar opinions tend to polarize
                              over time. My agenda is my own, to inform parents
                              of what goes on at these schools (because more
                              often than not they are unaware). I, unlike many
                              others, have sympathy for the parents. I see them
                              as victims of an industry that preys on their
                              fears.


                                quote:

                                It is indescribable how heartbreakingly
                                difficult it is to deal with a troubled child.
                                And I would never pretend to know want it feels
                                like to be you or my daughter or any of our kids
                                to be in a restricted placement outside of the
                                home during their teenage years.


                              Then you are missing my message. This disconnect
                              between our points of view is what i'd like to
                              end. I'd like to see parents talk to their kids
                              about their experiences (with no judgements from
                              either side). What i am seeking essentially is
                              mutual understanding.

                              My motive? I believe doing such a thing would end
                              this sick industry. How?

                              Every ask yourself why communication is so often
                              monitored in programs (either directly, or in some
                              roundabout manner)?

                              Every ask yourself why programs so often
                              recommend: "no! Don't take your kid back home.
                              He's not ready! Send him to my friend here
                              instead!"

                              These are just two of many reasons I believe
                              programs benefit from the separation, the conflict
                              between parents and kids, often going to lengths
                              to actually demonize one party to the other.


                                quote:

                                It is not easy to watch our children suffer and
                                make mistakes that can affect their life for
                                many years, but as parents we do our best to
                                help our kids have a future... Most spent months
                                and years trying to help their child before they
                                turn to an out of home placement. I know that's
                                our story!

                                I want to believe your responses are well
                                intentioned, but it is ridiculous when you lump
                                us all together as evil "program parents" and
                                joke around that we all recommend that everyone
                                go to a program for any type of problem.

                                mose


                              When did I do that? Just because I post on that
                              other site does not mean I share all of their
                              opinions.

                              Do read my post history before condemning me.

                              PS:
                              @Lon. Why is right click disabled? It's
                              infuriating when I am trying to use the
                              spellchecker in Firefox.

                              The right click is disabled to discourage jerks
                              from doing a copy and paste of posts on another
                              forum so as to open them up to ridicule. -Lon

                              [ January 03, 2007, 11:36 AM: Message edited by:
                              Lon ]

This is a fucked up exchange even though Psy is careful not to offend.  These parents, especially this "mose" character, are just so supercilious and condescending in their certitude of righteousness it makes me want to vomit.  

Some of these morons are on their fifth or sixth program and keep coming back for advice that OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T HELP, but that bloodsucking leech Lon keeps making cash off them.

PS - Lon, you're a fucking dope who knows not the first thing about internet security.  Fucking moron sheister.

[Anonymous]

I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff, so how do you copy/paste now?  I did before by just highlighting and then doing ctrl C, instead of right click.  Now I can't even highlight the material I want to copy.  How do I do that?

[Anonymous]

Never mind, it's working now.