ST Grandma gets it right!

[Oz girl]

Thank you to all who replied to my somewhat recent post (Frustrated beyond belief...)regarding my daughter who expected us to finance her trip home so that she could reconnect with unsavory friends and sleep elsewhere while she partied at night. My husband and I agreed that if that was her choice, she was welcome to visit, but would need to purchase her own ticket and stay with these friends.

Of course, she flew into a rage and was completely disrespectful to my husband and myself, hanging up on us twice. We also agreed that if she did show up in town, we would keep our visit short and low-keyed. Apparently, she discovered that her friends were not going to put her up during her visit, so she called the grandparents (my in-laws). Even though they had assured us that they would not do so, they took her in, provided her with a car, and let her come and go without reservation--all without telling us they had done so. They also went ahead and orchestrated an extended family dinner without consulting us as to our availability and had our daughter call to invite us at the last minute. I was ill, my husband was out of town, and my son was working that day. They went ahead and had the dinner without us in our local restaurant that we own.

My husband and I are deeply hurt and very angry with his parents. They have undermined our efforts with no regard to our feelings. Obviously, there were many valuable life lessons lost, along with our trust in them. By the way, this has happened before on a slightly different level since she ran away. We have decided it is necessary to speak with them about our concerns and ask that they please not interfere and make these kinds of decisions without at least running it by us. We don't begrudge their relationship with her, but these specific types of events are truly driving a wedge between us and them, and enabling our daughter's behaviors.

[exhausted]

Oz girl my mother does this ALL the time....they think they're helping them out by cutting them some slack, they don't realise what damage their doing

Try to remember you've heard it all from her but they haven't, they probably think you're over reacting, but I'd certainly put them straight on what a struggle it's been for you and how they've completely ruined alot of what you've struggled hard to put into place, I understand totally why you & your husband said no to her coming home/using the car, and imo you were right to do so

unfortunately I had to stop my mother from seeing my children altogether years back, she just became a real disruption in anything I was trying to do (I.E. whatever rules or boundaries I put into pace, she'd go completely against them and teel the kids not to tell me)

[Anonymous]

Take a look at one of that cunt's earlier posts: "my daughter ran away at 18"

No bitch, she didn't "run away", she fucking walked out on your sad ass! And the reason she talks to her grandparents and not to you is because her grandparents don't suck!

Do ST posters drive nails into the wall with their foreheads on a regular basis or something?

And.. err, uh, Exhausted? Check the title of Oz girl's post...

[exhausted]

Ah yes I did miss the post title, maybe a typo?

I have to be honest though Milk - if I was in Oz Girls shoes I wouldn't let my drunk kid/adult into my house or drive my car either .... the issues in the pst ahve been a struggle and this girl has caused herself and her parents a lot of aggro with her drinking, Oz Girl has laid down a rule, no drinking, that's her right, it is her home, and if her daughter can't accept the house rules, then too bad she can't go home to stay, she's already shown disregard & immaturity by hanging up the phone and having a tantrum, then going straight to the grandparents knowing they're happy to let her self destruct with their help

I think Oz Girl was right to make this call on her daughter

[Anonymous]

I think nanna got it right because if my grandchild came home from a programme full of vitriol and rage and with worse issues than they started out with, and the relationship with mum and dad was rocky, i would make it clear that some family members have unconditional love for the kid. Even if the parent's version of events is correct and the girl is a shit. I also strongly get the feeling that the girl is not that bad  with nanna and grandpa or the wider family because they went to dinner. i also noted nana encouraged the girl to hand out an olive branch and the mum slapped it back in her face with a series of whiny excuses and posted her fury on the World Wide Web. For someone who loves her child so much that this is an impossible situation she has a funny way of showing it.

Of course we will never get the kids side of things because ST is a forum designed for parents. They can spill their perceptions of the kids most mortifying problems for the world to weigh in on and judge. They can compete for the title of biggest matyr. "you think your kid is a little animal well mine shat on my antique chesterfield, drank our favourite bottle of scotch and called her dad a fuckwad" but the kid has no defence. If you were in the kids shoes wouldnt you hang up the phone in fury and spend christmas with those who loved you? Wouldnt you go drinking instead of wanting to spend too much time with your loving mum?

Ozgirl

[Anonymous]

PS sorry for the confusion Exhausted. This was a struggling teens post I put on because i was disgusted with the mum.
I am not this woman
Ozgirl

[exhausted]

Glad you cleared that up Guest, thought Oz girl had gone mad for a minute there  :lol:

Whatever the past issues have been, whatever the mother did, whatever her daughter did - she was right to say what she said, you never, NEVER NEVER, hand over your car keys to someone who has told you they intend to go get drunk/high and then drive

Imagine from the mother's point of view if she had to go identify her daughter's body at the morgue, or worse still, face her neighbour daily knowing her daughter killed their child, that would be the worst thing that could ever happen, you think her daughter's screwed up now? Imagine how screwed up she'd be if she killed a llittle child?

[psy]

Glad you cleared that up Guest, thought Oz girl had gone mad for a minute there  :lol:

Whatever the past issues have been, whatever the mother did, whatever her daughter did - she was right to say what she said, you never, NEVER NEVER, hand over your car keys to someone who has told you they intend to go get drunk/high and then drive

Imagine from the mother's point of view if she had to go identify her daughter's body at the morgue, or worse still, face her neighbour daily knowing her daughter killed their child, that would be the worst thing that could ever happen, you think her daughter's screwed up now? Imagine how screwed up she'd be if she killed a llittle child?

I don't know where you get the driving idea.  I hear a reference in the original post to a "ticket" but not to a car.  And i see no reference to drugs or alcohol either.

[Oz girl]

Sorry has a bit of drama logging in yesterday. so i was "guest"
I am not suggesting mum lets the kid drink drive, but It is clear that she is more interested in whining to anyone in the world who will listen than rebuilding a relationship with her kid.
Grandma reached out to the kid, encouraged her to try for civilised contact with mum and encouraged contact with the wider family. For their efforts both nanna and the girl got a mouthful of rage abut Im sick you hurt me blah blah. It is for this reason the mother in this case strikes me as a selfish woman more caught up with her own sense of indignation and rage than any real desire to compromise with her young adult child. It is the idea that any contact with the kid that is not completely on mum's terms is some kind of "enabling" that to me is such bullshit.

[exhausted]

Sorry Oz Girl I thought you were the poster at ST and so on, I did work it out eventually (blonde)

The original posting does exopain there are drink issues and the young lady in question wanted access to the parents car, that's why i make her right that she shouldn't have let her have it, the child didn't want to abide y the house rules and also wanted to meet up with dodgy friends, the parents were fine with that as long as she didn't return to their home after spending an evening with them getting high or drunk, I think that's fairr enough, they respected her wish to do so, but are quite within their rights not to have her in the house while in that state, she proved her immature attitude by slamming the phone down when she was denied getting her own way.

[Anonymous]

If they were my parents I would have simply stopped talking to them, waited for them to become mentally incompetent or senile (or found a good way to portray them as that), and then checked them into the most abusive nursing home I could find. (I don't play around.)

This is not a child. This is a 22-year-old woman, well over the age of majority, who has been legally responsible for her decisions for some time now. I wouldn't want someone who's drunk behind the wheel of a car either (and I, too, fail to see where that is in the original post). But for a 22-year-old woman's parents to try to deny her a visit because they think she'll get back with her old friends- and then get pissed when Grandma helps her out?

No. Just fucking no. This is not a healthy relationship. These parents need to cram their goddamn egos back up their assholes. You own a restaurant, asshole, you can pay for your daughter's plane ticket- but apparently your family isn't worth that.

"Undermined our efforts"? Undermined your efforts to do what. you idiot? Exactly what the hell are you trying to accomplish? She's an adult. She has been an adult for quite some time now.

ST posters are broken inside.

[White Cracker Man]

And she wrote a sad ending. A fucking sad ending is when your daughter fucking dies from Cancer, not when your mother lets your daughter stay with her for a while.

[exhausted]

I can't paste the post here (anyone?) but the original (Frustrated beyond belief) - not the one pasted here, does say about her drinking and wanting a car

[Anonymous]

Actually, it's the exact fucking opposite!

She then told me that during her visit, she would be going out at night and not returning home on a couple of those nights because she will be having "a few drinks."

See that? Not returning home. That means that she knows she's going to get drunk, and refuses to use the car because of it! This is, in fact, rational and responsible behavior. Their daughter is actually telling them that she won't drive home drunk, and these fucking retards don't understand that!

[exhausted]

She did demand use of the car, the little madam, who does she think she is? It's not her right to use any car other then one she buys and pays to keep!