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Author    Topic: Son obsessed with wrong girl
AF
Member
Member # 1490

   Icon 1 posted December 10, 2001 09:38 PM      Profile for AF   Author's Homepage   Email AF   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post  I'm happy that my son is not on drugs and doesn't seem to have the very serious type problems I've seen here. However, I'm VERY concerned about him. For the last three months since he met this girl at school, he has completely changed. He no longer wants to be a doctor, he no longer wants to study, no longer wants to play sports, no longer wants to go to the college he has talked about for over 10 years. He was just fired from his part time job and got into a weird situation where my car was totaled and he showed almost no sympathy or remorse in the situation. He has been screaming and cussing at the entire family since he met her. This girl CHEATS on him with her old boyfriend on a regular basis. So far she has done it four times. He has "broken up" with her four times and within 24 hours is back with her. She swears to remain faithful each time. The third time we took away his cell phone because we discovered she was frequently calling him on it. He lost the car because it's in the shop for A MONTH and I'm unsure if I want him driving it again. He also is grounded Mon. through Thurs. for getting poor grades due to lack of studying. He's studying a little more since we put this arrangement into effect. Tonight he informed us that although he broke up with the girl on Friday, he is back liking her again. I lost my temper and yelled at him. Then he called me a F...ing B.... My husband didn't do anything, and so now I'm also furious with my husband. The girl had an abortion right before she met my son. Seems she had unprotected sex with her old boyfriend in an attempt to get him back. My son is a completely different person these days... obsessive, abusive, oppositional, lazy and devious. PLEASE give me some advice. Thank you. Posts: 222 | From: Southeast | Registered: Mar 2001  |  Logged: 64.12.102.27 | Report this post to a Moderator
andoverdee
Member
Member # 2308

   Icon 1 posted December 11, 2001 04:46 AM      Profile for andoverdee   Email andoverdee   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post  Hi there:
Not knowing you or your son personally it's kind of hard to give advice, but these are things that spring to mind.
It sounds like more is going on for your son than just his obsession with this girl. Has he picked a new peer group along with this girl? Are you sure there is no drug involvement? It is always worrisome when kids suddenly make such complete shifts in their goals and aspirations.
I would recommend family counseling as a first step, particularly if you are all unable to just sit down and calmly discuss what's going on. I'm sure a lot is going on inside him which is bringing about this behavior.
My guess is that the girl is just a symptom of other more deeply seated issues.
best to you
Dee

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Dee
Posts: 73 | From: andover, ma | Registered: Dec 2001  |  Logged: 151.203.126.200 | Report this post to a Moderator
Lon
Administrator
Member # 53

   Icon 1 posted December 11, 2001 10:09 AM      Profile for Lon   Author's Homepage   Email Lon   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post  Hi AF

Dee is right, in his head there is probably a lot more going on, and it sounds like no one, especially him, has a clue as to what is going on in his head. But at some level he has to be aware that he is screwing up big time, and some form of desperate.

Counseling might help, but my experience is that too often that is too little too late. Its worth a try, but based on his recent actions, and mentally draw a straight line for the next five to ten years, where would you think he would be? That vision should be the one you keep in mind as you consider what kind of intervention he needs.

To properly advise you as to what course of action would be most appropriate would take a full consultation, for us to get fully up to speed as to what he (and you) have been doing. That is part of the services we provide and you can get more information how we do that by calling my office at 208-267-5550.

Otherwise, definitely continue reaching out for help and ideas - on this board, to local counselors and resources, your clergy, etc. You have a big job ahead of you getting a better understanding of what this behavior might really mean as to what is happening in his head, which of course is the first step to properly intervening.

Good luck!

Lon Woodbury IECA
Certified Educational Planner
Posts: 480 | From: Bonners Ferry, ID | Registered: Aug 1998  |  Logged: 216.18.163.168 | Report this post to a Moderator
linny
Member
Member # 1437

   Icon 1 posted December 11, 2001 03:45 PM      Profile for linny   Email linny   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post  I agree--my first thought is drugs. I'd start with a UA (Urine Analysis). My daughter used marijuana occassionaly but it didn't show up on her UA so just because it's clean, doesn't mean they aren't using.

Second, I would make an appointment with a psychologist and ask for a full psych eval for him if his UA is clean. Even that might not show what's really going on--my daughter answered how she thought she should answer on her first eval on a couple of the questions. She was first diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).

She ended up in a wilderness program (court ordered), came home the end of June, started slipping again when school began, had her 2nd psych eval and was more honest/less fearful of the outcome/desperate for a fix/more aware of what she was feeling as a result of the wilderness program (and ironically because she reestablised a relationship with an old boyfriend who is very supportive and caring/stays out of trouble/helped her sort out her emotions--really an answer to our prayers).

The diagnosis on her 2nd psych eval was different--she's now on meds for depression and obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder and doing fairly well so far. When she's stressed or depressed she swears/hits/destroys/etc...meds have reduced this considerably, we had one incident in the last 4 weeks (since she finally got on the full dose).

Lon does know the programs that are available--many of the parents here started with a wilderness program as a wake up call and then moved their children on to therapeutic boarding schools. Good luck with your son! Use anything you can from the board that fits your situation--you'll get some ideas that will help, some that don't fit--just sort through them all.

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In God's wildness lies the hope of the world--the great fresh, unblighted, unredeemed wilderness. --John Muir

[psy]

My daughter used marijuana occassionaly but it didn't show up on her UA so just because it's clean, doesn't mean they aren't using.

::ftard::

Occasionally must have meant once in a very very long time if it didn't show up on a UA.  Pot lasts a long time in your system.  There is no way her daughter could have had a "problem" with pot (if that is even possable)  Stupid parents like this are one good reason why they should just legalize it.

Second, I would make an appointment with a psychologist and ask for a full psych eval for him if his UA is clean. Even that might not show what's really going on--my daughter answered how she thought she should answer on her first eval on a couple of the questions. She was first diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).

Is there anybody who doesn't get diagnosed with that bullshit?

Quack:  Is your kid acting odd, dressing in black, listening to Marilyn Manson?
Scared parent:  Why yes he dresses in black.  He hangs around with those weird artsy kids too.  I heard he was experimenting with that Wicca stuff too.  I think he might be gay.  Is is drugs?  ooh. *bites fingernails*.
Quack:  It might be.  Even if his UA is negative you never know.  Kids fool the system you know.  They're manipulative like that.  It sounds like your kid might have ODD.
Scared parent:  Oh my.  that sounds bad.
Quack:  Oh it is.  It's very dangerous.  Your kid might be smoking pot now but with the art-fag crowd it sounds like he's hanging around with he'll probably end up at the bathhouses shooting heroin and having group sex all day long.  I think you should get in touch with my friend Lon, who can help you find a school where your child can get the help he needs.  He sounds very troubled.
Scared parent:  Ooh.  I'll do that.  Anything to help my poor pookie.  Oh i hope it's not too late.

The diagnosis on her 2nd psych eval was different--she's now on meds for depression and obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder and doing fairly well so far. When she's stressed or depressed she swears/hits/destroys/etc...meds have reduced this considerably, we had one incident in the last 4 weeks (since she finally got on the full dose).

Whee.  Back from program and heavily medicated.  When all else fails.  Dope your kid into an obedient daze.

Kid:  I feel much.. better now.. i'm just so happy.. to be here with my loving family..  I needed help and i'm so glad they sent me to that wonderful place with the happy people...  I'm just so happy now...  The doctor says i'm all better but i mustn't slit my wrists anymore so he gave me these happy pills...  oh mommy i love you... i love life... i love this tree... i love this chair...  wheee....  tell it all brother...  
Happy Parent:  Oh we're so proud of our daughter.  CEDU has truly turned he around into a nice little girl.  God bless that sweet, gentle soul, Mel Wasserman for saving our daughter's life.


 ::puke::

[Anonymous]

I didnt know that some kids were court ordered to wilderness programs, you'd think a judge would be smarter than that.

[Anne Bonney]

I just can't read this shit.  I mean what the fuck do you say to someone like that?  Holy shit.  They fucking wonder why there's a problem.  Every time I read crap like this it makes every bit of what I went through with my kids mean that much more to me.  I'm finally on the other side of it al.  There were times when I was afraid she really might do some damage to herself before she woke up, but it was all worth it.  The lessons she's learned mean something.  Her behavior has changed because she got tired of living the way she was.  To try and control and force a kid, to refuse to accept that they are going to grow up to be a completely different person than you are or what you imagined (more likely had planned out) for them does the exact opposite of what you intend.  Parents like this are involved in a power struggle with their kids, they have no interest in really understanding the child and what feeds their soul.  They have no respect for the individuality of the child and certainly don't respect the boundaries that are supposed to form during adolescence.  Zappa's quote in my signature says it well.

[exhausted]

I just can't read this shit.  I mean what the fuck do you say to someone like that?  Holy shit.  They fucking wonder why there's a problem.  Every time I read crap like this it makes every bit of what I went through with my kids mean that much more to me.  I'm finally on the other side of it al.  There were times when I was afraid she really might do some damage to herself before she woke up, but it was all worth it.  The lessons she's learned mean something.  Her behavior has changed because she got tired of living the way she was.  To try and control and force a kid, to refuse to accept that they are going to grow up to be a completely different person than you are or what you imagined (more likely had planned out) for them does the exact opposite of what you intend.  Parents like this are involved in a power struggle with their kids, they have no interest in really understanding the child and what feeds their soul.  They have no respect for the individuality of the child and certainly don't respect the boundaries that are supposed to form during adolescence.  Zappa's quote in my signature says it well.

Amen...this was truly scary shit

[Nathan]

Exhausted, Me and my mother used to have communication problems also. Still do but much bettter now. I hope ya all get your situation resolved.BTW, my mother is Username Buzzkill here on Fornits.

[BSarro]

Nathan, your parents did not raise you properly.

[exhausted]

Exhausted, Me and my mother used to have communication problems also. Still do but much bettter now. I hope ya all get your situation resolved.BTW, my mother is Username Buzzkill here on Fornits.

Good to hear nathan, I'm glad you sorted it.....I doubt it'll happen for me now but I won't lose any sleep

Bsarro God hates you

[BSarro]

Exhausted, your jealousy of me is so transparent.

[exhausted]

Jealous Of what  :rofl:

You pretending to be some high & mighty Godly person, you know the type who goes to church and counts their money, preaching with the holier than though attitude

Yet cannot accept others for who or what they are.......watch out BSarro, the Jews are coming for you, do you dream about it at night

You ought to darlin' -  Jesus was a Jew - do you even know what INRI stands for?

Translated speciay for you as you seem to have little or no understanding of your religion, it means "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews" - "Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum"

Go say 10 hail mary's and beg for forgiveness, chop chop

[BuzzKill]

Exhausted, Me and my mother used to have communication problems also. Still do but much bettter now. I hope ya all get your situation resolved.BTW, my mother is Username Buzzkill here on Fornits.

Hey there son of mine.

check your private messages


BSarro?? Will someone please tell me this "person" is not for real? Has to be someone pretending to be smooth brained - Surely, no one can actually be So absolutely asinine.

[exhausted]

BSarro is not asinine, BSarro is a chosen one, be careful what you say, you may get struck by lightning  :lol:

Nice to meet you Buzzkill, nice to hear your son speak highly of you, great you two could get it together in the end  :wink:

[Anonymous]

BSarro is a low-ranking troll. I thought everyone would have figured that out by now.

[BuzzKill]

BSarro is not asinine, BSarro is a chosen one, be careful what you say, you may get struck by lightning  :lol:

Nice to meet you Buzzkill, nice to hear your son speak highly of you, great you two could get it together in the end  :wink:

Well, Bassaro might be the chosen one alright - but chosen for what, is a interesting question.  Nice to met you too.  

GMDP - I naturally thought B an ass was a troll; but this is the first troll I ever had send PM. Usually they stick to the forum. Made me wonder.
Seems we have our own Borat.

[White Cracker Man]

Buzzkill, I was feeling special for a while. I thought I was the only one who got a PM from BSarro, She even offered to have me see a psycotherapist that she knows, LMFAO!