Oh no! They have fake id's! They're scammers! They're criminals! (Please, people, the police knew all this shit without me saying a thing. DUH. None of this ever hinged on me and I will lock myself up as crazy before I testify against ANYONE if I don't believe the WHOLE story is getting told.)
I know who loves me. I'm cold. No Christian ever warmed me up. No informant ever warmed me up.
Even when people lie, something else comes through and I will be beyond devastated if I turn out to be the pawn between the cops, the FBI, the church people, secret agents, dog distributors, illicit internet personal information posters, drug runners and any one of those liars thinks they have it over any other of the liars and terrorizers.
Okay, let's take the most absolutely paranoid possibility. Mel Riddile shook hands with George Bush. I pissed off Mel Riddile by some things I wrote. I see too much, I get it, I know things, I speak out. Ding ding ding. Let's put a mark on the girl and shut her up.
Or say it wasn't Mel Riddile. Say it was Joy Margolis I pissed off too bad after I come out of 17, 18 years of brainwash fog and start cursing up a blue streak and writing all kinds of violent shit and failing to attach the disclaimer that I love children, Layne Brown returns to mind, Tranquility Bay returns to my mind, what Rob from Hyde told me, where is he now, his internet site gone, where is he?
Say there is a Nazi in town. Say he terrified me. Say I can see past the surface. Say I know he has been tortured, and now his own rage, the inner torment abused children are left with, and the nightmares come back; this is chemicals in the body feeding moods and thoughts, reactions, love, self-care, and all this keeps hurting him. I get it, I have that feedback loop. He hurt me. He terrified me. But everyone left him alone in pain this spring. I hardly gave him anything. That right there is my sin. Not getting in with a bizarre network of uncouth people. Failing to get my own deal in order so I can take in a friend who needs it. Did he betray me. Yeah. Definitely. Scary. But I in turn was scared of people, often rightly, scared of the way they keep their dogs in crates all day, yank sharp collars around their necks, put electric prongs on them, tie them outside to be bored and yap, kill them off when they get a $600 illness, hit them, bully them, expect them to meet all their own needs. That's why it took forever to find homes for the dogs, but although I have the conscience regarding these things I have been very tired and I am guilty of many of these same things. I actually wanted to find hoems for them that would be better than me, which the ones I found so far really really are. I digress only to point out how everything is cause and effect, a loop, because I know my trust issues, paranoid trust issues that made it really hard to even meet up with people, exhaustion issues, doing too mucgh at once issues, failure to love what was most important....
I was hurt and having a hard time even putting it into words, I was all messed up, couldn't ride the bus in Boulder because of all the cooties, because my skin let it in, because my skin was ripped off, my words shoved back in my throat, I, I, I, it's beyond stuttering, it's like a stuttering of intentions, mind, soul can't get through, can't get good reception from my head to my toes to my mouth. My friend sat next to me and held my hand. It is not easy to let someone do that but I did and you see that has lasted for years.
