hb
Member
Member # 4818
I was wondering if any parents on this forum had a son/daughter who relapsed within a month or so after graduation? I am starting to see several tell-tale signs that concern me. Is there any advice for trying to nip this in the bud now? Our son just turned 18 this week, so my options are limited. I also feel like I have done all that I could have done at this point. When is enough, enough? Posts: 184 | From: PA | Registered: Jun 2005 | Logged: 151.201.10.164 | Report this post to a Moderator
katsmom
Member
Member # 4446
My daughter graduated HS at her program in June and then came home. She will be 19 in November. She relapsed two months after graduation but only for a weekend and told us immediately (actually I knew it immediately before she told us). We now go out to lunch at least once a week and I have her drug tested at a lab. I think she's thankful for the accountability.
In retrospect, I think we should have made drug testing part of our home contract so she would not have been tempted and I also think it would have been better to have her not come back to our home town. I think I should have insisted upon a sober living house/college attendance/job and upon success with that then more priviledges. That said, the situation is what it is and it is now up to her. She learned a lot in her program and knows what she needs to do to be healthy mentally and physically.
I do feel that we've done all we can do and the only other thing I would do at this point is offer to pay for sober living if she eventually feels that she needs it. Right now she is in an apartment and attending college. She has not had luck on getting a job yet and was dropped from one college class. It's going to be a long road with a lot of one step forward, two steps back but our relationship is a LOT different than before she went to her program and I'm thankful for that. Posts: 267 | From: Los Angeles | Registered: Nov 2004 | Logged: 75.5.13.88 | Report this post to a Moderator
sallie
Junior Member
Member # 4858
Hi hb,
I feel for you and am happy to share our experience. Hope it helps.
Our son came home in June after 15 months at a TBS and in the wilderness. He was then three months shy of his 18th birthday. Although we drug tested him every three days (as recommended by his TBS), it didn't take long before he was testing positive for marijuana. We had been warned by his TBS that he would be most susceptible to relapse during the first few months at home. After considerably more than "three strikes" and one positive test for cocaine, we sadly and lovingly enforced the bottom line of our home agreement and asked him to live elsewhere. (This was really hard for us to do, particularly since he was not yet 18 and had his senior year of high school ahead of him). We told him that he was welcome back if he could remain sober for thirty days and commit to staying sober while he lives with us. His best friend's family was kind enough to take him in and, although we had concerns about him moving from our bed and breakfast to theirs, the experience proved to be difficult enough for him. He had to sleep on the floor and live out of a suitcase. He missed a family vacation. He lost his job because he overslept on one too many occasions and had no ride to work. Things like that. He visited us once a week or so while he was gone and returned home at the end of August just before the start of school. For now, he is sober, going to school, and happily playing bass in a garage band. He is considerate, tells us he loves us, and adheres to our curfews. He plans to go to college and major in creative writing next fall. We are very grateful for this respite in our lives and know that things could be very different tomorrow.
Like yours, our son is now 18 and there is not much we can do to influence him other than exercise "the power of the purse." If he resumes using, we will once again ask him to leave. If he wants it (to date, he has not), we will offer to pay for counseling, treatment, sober living, etc.
For us, it helped to figure out our bottom line and then stick to it. While we were willing to be flexible on curfews and things like that, we could not sit by and watch our special guy slip away again as he sabotaged his still-developing brain.
It's a long journey we're all on. It's nice to have a forum like this where we can find friends to ride along. My best wishes are with you and your family. Posts: 5 | From: Portland | Registered: Jul 2005 | Logged: 24.22.116.1 | Report this post to a Moderator
itsme
Member
Member # 5144
My daughter went to wilderness March 25th at age 18, struggling with coming home from college, depression, drug use. She went to wilderness with the hopes that she would be able to get her life back together, but not really wanting to go. She graduated May 9th and went to a treatment center with renewed hope of a chemical free life ahead. She relapsed 1 week after her arrival there, on Saki, at a restaurant with other girls from her program. She says it was too much freedom too soon. She wasn't caught for another two weeks, and so at that point, she decided this was a good opportunity for a really good relapse (serious street drugs), since she was in trouble already. She walked out of her program and was not in contact with anyone for 12 days. The worst 12 days of my life. She went back to her treatment center after swallowing all her medication and ending up hospitalized in the beginning of June. She "graduated" to the sober living phase because she had everyone around her snowed as to her level of recovery. She relapsed again and was kicked out of the sober living and had to move to another sober living house around the end of July. There, she attended the required meetings, but continued to relapse. She agreed to go to a very intensive treatment center for 90 days, though she didn't really think she needed it. She thought she was doing pretty well. We just attended her Family Week. She has been there for 60 days today. The treatment team and her peers cannot believe the change in this young woman since her arrival on August 9th. (I say they should have seen her when we took her to wilderness!) Anyway, our daughter is back. All her drive and personality and ambition is back. She's full of self esteem and she's HAPPY!! She said something clicked inside her where she realized that this is something she really wants and believes she can have. A sober life. She showed us the sober living area where she plans to live after she graduates the program and how it is more structured and why she thinks it will work for her when others didn't. She told us of her plans to get a job and see if she can attend a class at the University across the street from her sober living. She doesn't want to have access to her entire paycheck until she's sure she can handle it when the time comes, and she wants to budget so she can help with rent. She plans to start volunteer work telling her story to kids and groups because she has become comfortable telling her story and realizes she can help others. She was proud to tell us that she is the only "patient" in her program that has a leadership role, she leads meditation every morning. She (I'm sure painstakingly) didn't ask us for money even though I know she has none. I'm so happy now that I want to shout to the world that "My daughter is going to be FINE!" But I know better and I'm afraid I will jinx it if I get too proud again. We have been told that Relapse is a part of recovery. I will try and not let my whole world fall apart again if we do get that news. I told her that I've been afraid of my notes to her or our few conversations we have had, that I might say something that would contribute to her disease. She told me that nothing I could say could cause her to relapse or not relapse, that it is all on her and they are her choices to make. She wants so badly not to dissapoint us again, but addiction is POWERFUL! So, I plan to work on my own recovery and growth and support her in her recovery, but not if she should choose to not work her program and continue using all the tools she has learned for how to live clean and sober. Zero tolerance for me. It really is amazing to see what a strong bond and what close relationships are formed for these people who have had these kinds of struggles in their lives. Their communication skills and their love and compassion for one another is awesome. I am happy that she has the opportunity to have that kind of a life and connection with people. I'm also happy for my new awareness and views on life that are a result of what we've been through. I see a rainbow at the end of this storm. Posts: 48 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2006 | Logged: 71.112.161.52 | Report this post to a Moderator
WillieNelson
Member
Member # 5254
I am aware of many relapses after kids come home from TBS or wilderness. There are so many variables it is hard to say why some kids do and some don't. If there was NOT much of a substance problem in the first place, the odds are better for not relapsing post-program. Addiction is a tough one, and teenage brains think they can "handle" a few joints or beers. If they have something they want to protect- staying in a particular school, being allowed to remain in the house, being on a team or part of a church or structured social group, there is less chance of a relapse. Unfortunately, parents can do everything right and there still can be a relapse. It's a tough road. I recently read about a teen who successfully completed a program and over a year of college and then committed suicide. The parents were still grateful for the program which really helped their son for a few years and gave him some peace before he succumbed to his inner demons. Without the program they easily could have lost him sooner.
Does the high percentage of relapse mean programs are not effective or a waste of time and money? I don't agree with that at all. I think, as parents, we take whatever steps are possible given financial means and the age of the teen. Nothing is more important than our children, and we try everything. The hope is that even with a relapse, the tools are in place to draw upon at some point. Posts: 19 | From: Way up north | Registered: Aug 2006 | Logged: 70.157.60.192 | Report this post to a Moderator
janebrain22000
Member
Member # 4182
Hi,
my dtr attended an rtc in Utah from May 2004-Jan. 2005. She was still only 16 when she came home. She started relapsing but I didn't realize it at first. She was raped the day before her 17th birthday in May (was involved with drugs at the time) and then she didn't try to hide her relapse anymore. She got heavily into hard drugs and ended up being court ordered to a dual diagnosis facility in October of last year. She remained there til March of 2006 and managed to get herself kicked out and we brought her home. She left our house in May to live with her boyfriend and by then she was nearly 18. I basically have said enough is enough. However, in my state, you are still legally and financially responsible til the kid turns 21 so we can't just be done with her. Right now DSS is helping us come up with a contract in order for her to get assistance from us and she is living at our local Red Cross shelter. Due to circumstances with my younger dtr I will not allow her to live in our house anymore. That is a huge relief for me--that is my bottom line. She absolutely cannot live with us again. We will help her get set up with an apt. and she will have to get a job.
I don't know if the rtc was really worth it--E thinks the rehab she went to (which was much cheaper--like $5000 a month cheaper) was actually more helpful. It wasn't a lockdown and the kids could get away with more stuff--more like the "real world." She can talk like a therapist--she doesn't buy into the talk though, that's the problem.
Anyway, I think at some point enough is enough and you will know when you are there! Good luck,
Jane Posts: 58 | From: Ithaca,NY | Registered: Apr 2004 | Logged: 128.253.7.28 | Report this post to a Moderator
