We are looking to place my 17 yr old daughter in rancho valmora, and we are not "bad parents" we have not "given up" on our daughter. We simply have 10 months left before she is 18 and this is our last chance to get her straightened out before she can decline treatment legally. She is a cocaine addict who is obsessed with her boyfriend, who supplies cocaine to her. he is abusive. She denies his abuse. The police are helpful when she is missing and help return her, but she immediately runs away. This all started when the cocaine use started in september-october of last year. Before that she was a normal teen who had ups and downs, but never disappeared for two days at a time and showed up with bruises and needed to be hospitalized. We need to place her in a safe, locked facility so she can be treated, because she will leave our home if she does a day program. Ever try keeping a 17 year old in the house from 3 pm until 7.30 am? She ran away the last day she was home TWICE in 12 hours while we where home. We cannot handcuff her to the bed, we cannot lock her in the room (she would jump out the window) we cannot maintain employment if you have to drop off at a day program in the am (can't get to work before 9.30) and pick up in the pc (must leave work at 2 pm) Our
hope is to get her therapy and counseling, and she will not remain in our home to do so. She only runs away to see the loser boyfriend, who is homeless.
Dear Guest,
I know that you're desperate to save your daughter from the life she's chosen, and I believe that you are genuinely trying to help and have her best interests at heart.
My question for you is why a therapeutic boarding school?
If she has a cocaine addiction and a history of defending men who abuse her, then I suggest that you look into a regulated Rehabilitation Center.
There are many such centers around the country. They are equipped with ACTUAL Detox facilities, which I doubt many Therapeutic Boarding Schools are (HLA definitely was not.)
They also are more equipped and experienced with addressing the more "adult" issues that your daughter faces.
A "school" program might seem ideal, but your daughter needs to be learning why she craves the acceptance of abusive people, not Biology.
Additionally, these boarding schools accept kids as young as twelve, and as a result the environment is much less mature.
Your daughter is almost 18, and she will respond SO MUCH BETTER to an environment where she is surrounded by adults (mostly 18-25 year olds on average) instead of little kids joking each other about wetting the bed.
Trust me, being surrounded by pre-teens who are there for curse language and stealing candy only makes a program that much harder to take seriously.
SHE WON'T.
She needs a group of actual PEERS. If she is with more mature people she will handle herself with maturity. If she is surrounded by people who sincerely want to change their lives then she will examine her problems with sincerity.
In contrast, if she's surrounded by children who talk almost non-stop about running away and all the drugs they plan to do after they graduate the program (which is what they do) then she'll focus on glorifying her drug use and how she can make up for "lost time" when she turns 18.
The bottom line is that your daughter needs an intervention, not a forced imprisonment in a therapeutic boarding school. It shouldn't be too difficult to find a Rehab for her (maybe even one she'll concede to), plus state and government sponsored Rehabs are more easily monitored for safety and have less of a conflict of interest.
A friend of mine recently died of a heroin overdose, and another friend came clean with her parents about her drug use and, with her family, decided to enter a Rehab in California. It hasn't been all sunny skies.. she has relapsed a few times. BUT she has been able to go back to her family and friends from rehab and ask for help. It is ALL ABOUT TRUST. My friend can be honest because she isn't afraid of punishment or judgment.
If you enroll her in a "therapeutic boarding school", you will send her a very clear message that you don't have any faith in her, and as a result, she won't have any in you.
You cannot force her to change.
She has to realize for herself that she needs to change.
But, you CAN be the person she comes to when she hits rock bottom and really needs help... if she feels she can trust you.
Please don't alienate her and lose her trust, because she is going to need you. Her problems are coming from a place far deeper and darker than you can imagine.
Research rehabilitation, detox, and counseling centers for ADULTS, have her family and friends confront her with their fears about her behavior in a place where she can't run away and is forced to hear them, and then discuss her options with her. Don't leave the room until you've reached a decision TOGETHER. She has to be part of the decision making process if she's to feel responsible for her own recovery.
I'm afraid that sending your daughter to a Therapeutic Boarding School will backfire tremendously. For her sake, please consider a Rehabilitation Clinic instead.
I've seen a lot... The mistakes of myself, my parents, and others...
And I've occasionally seen someone do something that actually helped themselves or their child, and not just for the short-term.
If you,
or anyone,
can learn from the mistakes made by so many parents who sent their children to the WRONG place,
or at least benefit from the knowledge that there are others ways to deal with and help your child,
then my suffering from my experience at HLA
as well as from helplessly witnessing the death and pain of friends whom I've loved
won't have been without meaning.
