I'd like for you to stay. You are however an admitted overseer of my stay there. I was frozen on Day Zero all that time, I have suffered for many years, So don't get frustrated with me when I need to tell a staff person what was happening to me. FINALLY, I get to tell someone! I get to tell someone to wake the hell up and take me off those consquences and let me go home! So when I need to say that stuff, don't get upset and run away and leave me behind once again. Atleast stay and listen to us and maybe we can all find a way to process the past there.
However the forum and discussions here can become very overwhelming, so breaks from posting are expected. But don't leave us behind. Face us and hear what we have to say. I know you were in the program also, and I do realize you were doing what you were told and what you were taught. But that, for me doesn't explain why you stood by and allowed it. I do realize, until now maybe you didn't know how you particiated in the abuse that was happening. I hope this serves as a wake up call, that your reality is not the same as everyones. Man, didn't you realize there was something very wrong and twisted when Giles would slam his head into that front wall? Gawd, I still hear that sound and see the blood.
Funny how a couple of the staff who attempted to comfort me are dead or in jail, sad in a way. As far as L.D. goes I heard and have no remorse except for her family, but I am gratful she can no longer destroy children like she did to me. When I think of sittting there, She and Leslie M. (and those giant abusive girls in group, who always slammed me to the floor) are who I think of first as the most abusive directly to me. I also think of Jason, I owe him a letter to let him know of his impact on me, I wish I knew how to write a letter to him. The times he'd sit with me in the back of group and try to tell me "this was but a tick of time on the watch of time" and someday I'd get out meant alot. It didn't fix it, but he was probably the only person in there who attempted to give me some kind of hope. He deserves to know.
I'd like to know who you are so I can process my memories of your specific impact on me. The memories might be comforting or they may be destructive, either way, it could give us both a new perspective. I'm not a violent person, but when it comes to that place I am full of rage toward those who stood by and didn't protect me as another human soul. So you know how to PM me, please do. This a place for all of us to find a common ground, sometimes that process is not pretty. I also just happened upon this information last year and it floored me....So much so I had to leave the forum for many months due to the traumatic impact the memories brought forward.
I'd also like to hear the answers to those questions, we have so many questions. There is so much we still don't understand about how it all worked. What went on behind that secret door in the back of group, was there any plan of treatment? I can attest to having no treatment whatsoever. All I got was horrific abuse.You can choose to help us learn. I hope you take the chance to tell your story. I hope you try to help us understand what allowed you to carry the torch of torture for those monsters who payed you to enforce the abuse. And if you were on staff, you had a choice to protect the children or enforce the abuse, which did you choose? Obviously to me, since you were my staff, you choose to carry the torch. You chose to not see how damaging day zero was for me. Maybe you couldn't see then, but it's been 20 yrs, listen to me.... it was devastating.
