Stolen Childhood - Now Frozen in Childhood

[ex-prisoner]

I never wanted to grow up anyway. Really you don't have to, it's overrated. It is nice to unfreeze things and get memories back. I don't think I am giving Straight more of my time, I am giving me more of my time. It is good to be fucking pissed, it is good to love people out there as fucking whacked as I am, troglodytes in our own caves sending out smoke signals. It is good to have someone as sweet as NCL write about lost childhood.

Did you know PTSD is known to cause memory problems?

There may be an outlined way for "counselors" to deal with all this, but myself I am tired of counselors, I am sick of being misinterpreted or having my words mixed up and my experience and stories stolen and corrupted to fit their agenda. None of them have ever truly dealt with me on my own terms. I respect what I was as a young person before Straight, I don't need another person's interpretation of that in their own way just like Straight, really, ingrained in my mind a certain interpretation which I so foolishly kept for too long. Like pirate, I saw through the authority, the imprisonment of school and all that.

I would really rather be stark crazy than live in the middle of a pitiful lie. I see me before Straight, then what they did to my mind, and I am done, I am fucking done. It is not giving my life to Straight to be messed up if I am messed up. Let me explain better by saying that all the grief and loss and anger felt opens up the truth, whereas before my miserable pathetic life was lies, Straight lies, like I had to do everything by myself, I had to keep going in the face of physical and mental pain, I was nothing and could get nothing for my life that I wanted, nothing I ever wanted was real or worthy.

THAT is the lie!

Love your madness, love your grief. Rise up from the fire, phoenix, and fly.

[Anonymous]

You have no idea how bad my memory can be! I am extremely forgetful. I actually consider myself the worlds youngest alzteimer patient. There are times I get into arguements with those close to me, and they are able to remember word by word who said what, and I can't.

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-30 11:07:00, fedelta_a_verita wrote:

"Ma?am, in all humility and with the utmost respect if what you have related here is true then I strongly urge you to get some seriously intense long-term counseling without further delay."

For the record....I AM IN COUNSELING, and doing extremely well thank you. My counselor repeatedly tells me how strong & healthy I am despite having PTSD from Straight for the past 20 years. Also, please dont call me ma'am. I would not dream of calling you Sir.

"The fact that you are now thirty four and went in when you were anywhere from maybe twelve to fifteen or sixteen combined with what you have described not only indicates that you have focused on those few years spent in Straight as being representative of your entire childhood means that you have you given them those years that you were actually incarcerated there but the rest of your life to this point as well."

Please, please get your facts straight first. Again for the record, I am not 34 and have not been for awhile. I spent 15+ months in Straight, and close to 5 months in aftercare for a total of 20 months involvement in that hell-hole...I went in when I was 16 and did not "escape" until after the kidnapping when I was 18....

In addition, I did not say that I think Straight deprived me of my entire childhood....if you reread my original and subsequent posts, I was clearly referring to the time Straight DID take away from my childhood.

"I suggest to you that they have ?taken? nothing but that by your own admission you have given them everything ? the place no longer exists and still you give them your life. I say take your life back it is yours not theirs, live it for yourself, for the family you will have in the future, for the legacy you will leave to those whom you impact in the future. I say Straight is not worth a single second more of your life."

I disagree completely...Straight DID wrongfully steal 20 months of my childhood for no reason except their own financial gain. By my own admission in several posts, I have never, until lately, even acknowledged to myself the pain that fucking place caused me because I was so fucking busy getting on with my life and because I was so damned determined to not live in the past....the result of this is that I have only begun facing my Straight demons...the stolen part of my childhood is one of those demons.

What's more, my counselor also repeatedly validates that I have every right to feel angry at Straight for stealling 20 months of my childhood. Confronting these emotions now is the healthiest thing I have done in years.

Furthermore, I have NOT given Straight shit and refuse to do so. However, the course of my life was forever altered by Straight...that's just a fact I cannot change...but I have chosen to find ways to channel that experience toward something productive...as in my goal to assist children involved in the Juvenile Justice System as a lawyer. I will fight the injustices done to children, including those injustices done in the name of treatment....That is "the legacy I will leave to those whom I impact in the future."

Finally, remembering Straight, never forgetting its horrors, is extremely important. STRAIGHT IS FAR FROM OVER....havent you heard about the Straight spin off's that still exist today and force the same exact damn fucked up "treatment" upon thousands of children?? Yeah if Straight was dead it would be a different story, but its not dead.........only the Straight name is dead.

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-30 11:40:00, CCM girl 1989 wrote:

You're not the only one who feels this way. I feel like all the years I spent at Heritage School & Cross Creek Manor which totals 4 1/2 years did much more harm then good. After my release, I was behind mentally & emotionally compared to others who were my age. It's like my mind was temporarily frozen in time. Still to this day I feel about 5 years emotionally behind others my age. Another thing, is that I don't see myself as an adult? Weird, huh?!!"

What you are saying is not weird at all! I completely see myself as an overgrown teenager, but a responsible one. I have always noticed how I was mentally and emotionally behind others my age. I am still that way to an extent. You nailed the reson why I call it "being frozen in childhood." Developmentally frozen in some respects...but being a overgrown kid has its fun side....you should see my Xmas decorations!  :lol:  :lol:  Cartoon character ornaments, Xmas stuffed animals, snowmen, snowmen, snowmen....Its like I also retained some of my "childlike wonder" that kids have but lose by adulthood.......

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-30 12:22:00, ex-prisoner wrote:

"I never wanted to grow up anyway. Really you don't have to, it's overrated. It is nice to unfreeze things and get memories back. I don't think I am giving Straight more of my time, I am giving me more of my time. It is good to be fucking pissed, it is good to love people out there as fucking whacked as I am, troglodytes in our own caves sending out smoke signals. It is good to have someone as sweet as NCL write about lost childhood."

I agree.....and thanks ex-prisoner...although I dont think my response to "get help soon" was sweet......  :lol:

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-30 13:34:00, Anonymous wrote:

"You have no idea how bad my memory can be! I am extremely forgetful. I actually consider myself the worlds youngest alzteimer patient. There are times I get into arguements with those close to me, and they are able to remember word by word who said what, and I can't."

Oh you sound just like me. It is rather a tragedy. The world gets a bit more confusing and frustrating, land's sakes, when I can't find my something, I can't remember what I am always losing these days.

[CCM girl 1989]

Dear Nonconformistlaw,

Maybe I should take sometime and relive my youth? However, I am not into cartoon characters. I am sure your house is absolutely adorable though. Atleast you collect cute little things with a common theme! I am numb in that department. For a very long time after my treatment centers, I thought anything but bare white walls looked cluttered, and not right. How fucked up is that??? I am moving into a new home that is around 4,400 sq. ft. I think I better get over my past!!!!!! :lol:

[fedelta_a_verita]

[ This Message was edited by: fedelta_a_verita on 2006-01-03 07:42 ]

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-12-01 05:36:00, fedelta_a_verita wrote:

"WOW! My apologies for any offense given. I read your post and saw it as a cry for help and an opportunity to provide you some beneficial advice from one whom has not only survived straight but has put it long in the past and moved on with life, now after reading your response I see your original post for what it really is and am much chagrined that I did not recognize it as such before, I?ll try not to make that mistake again. In all events best wishes to you, and again my apologies."

Yes, I was offended, but I was more upset about my post being misunderstood. You see, since being misunderstood to be a druggie, which I could not have possibly been (no drug use prior to Straight) directly lead to my wrongful incarceration in Straight...I have become extremely touchy when ANYONE turns something I say or do into something it was not (even if someone does this with the best of intentions). I cant handle being misunderstood in anyway....that is a direct result from Straight. I'm sure I will always be that way, but I hope to learn not to react quite so strongly....

I do appreciate when Straight survivors try to provide beneficial advice, for only survivors really know what Straight was like. Apology accepted.  ::rainbow::