The bed I made

[Anonymous]

A couple years after Straight I got married and was abusive to my step daughter. She has mental illness in her family on both sides. She is having a hard time now. Her mom blames me for it all. Can I blame Straight? Should I just kill myself? Has anybody else been abusive to people after Straight? I feel alone and not sure I deserve to live.

[Anonymous]

You should not kill yourself. You should, if you have not already, get a good job and pay for your stepdaughter's health needs, and if she is having a hard time, help with whaever she needs. That is being responsible. I wish you the best of luck. Also take care of yourself, too, like get what you need to be well again.

As for deserving to live, you have a conscience. As for hurting someone, join the human race.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.

I was sexually abused at 7 years old by a 14 year old girl.

I never thought of it as abuse until I was 19.

I treasured my sexual memories of being with her.

It fucked me up.

I thought society was perverted, Straight convinced me that the rules of society were damaging.

I have shame in me that feels like pure hell.

[Antigen]

If the laws of physics have allowed you to survive, then you deserve to live. Sorry, I don't make the rules or even enforce them. Just my observation.

Yeah, a lot of people have discussed having treated people badly after the Program. A lot of that discussion centers around behavior so precisely like Program culture and so far removed from normal culture, I think we can safely say that there's a connection. So you realize it and just learn some better ways to deal w/ things. No shame in that at all. In fact I think that makes a person better than they typical asshole who goes their whole life w/o ever even trying to improve on themselves or on the work of past generations.

But I do have love for those other assholes, too. Some of them were my direct ancestors, and so I'm helpless against loving them. And I just suppose that all them others are in about the same fix. No blame, no shame.

The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the person who reads it.
--Robert G. Ingersoll, American politician and lecturer

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-10-12 07:32:00, Anonymous wrote:

" A couple years after Straight I got married and was abusive to my step daughter.

Abusive how?

She has mental illness in her family on both sides. She is having a hard time now. Her mom blames me for it all. Can I blame Straight? Should I just kill myself? Has anybody else been abusive to people after Straight? I feel alone and not sure I deserve to live.

Forgive me for all the questions... but there are a lot of holes here... what kind of mental illnesses?  What kind of hard time is she having? How old is this kid?  

Do you deserve to live?  Yeah, most likely.  Have you thought about Straight before now?  If not, why not?

Again, sorry for all the questions, but I'm a taken a little aback by what you've said.  Very few freely admit to abuse, and  "Abuse" covers a lot of territory... so does "blame".  

I'm not a therapist, nor are a lot of people that post here.  If you're questioning taking your own life, the simple answer is "no", you have a right to live like everyone else.

Only you know this situation.  You can choose to post it here, or talk to someone privately ... and I'm not talking about some "make everything alright" charlatain.  If you need to talk to a professional, choose carefully.

As for me, (I wasn't in Straight - I was in LIFE, Inc.... Helen Peterman was Miller-Newton's protoge`) - and ya know... I walked around with a big, fat chip on my shoulder for a good ... oh... maybe 8 years.  Regardless the reasons - it had to be put into perspective (forgive the cliche`) - and I realized that the people I came across on a daily basis (and 100 miles away) were NOT the people I was angry with.... and it went from there.

That's my $0.02.

[Woof-a-Doof]

(I wasn't in Straight - I was in LIFE, Inc.... Helen Peterman was Miller-Newton's protoge`)

Hmmmm In Straight Inc. Helen Peterman was there long long before Miller Newton.

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-10-12 18:18:00, Woof-a-Doof wrote:

"

(I wasn't in Straight - I was in LIFE, Inc.... Helen Peterman was Miller-Newton's protoge`)

Hmmmm In Straight Inc. Helen Peterman was there long long before Miller Newton."

How?

[Anonymous]

On 2005-10-12 16:35:00, Helena Handbasket wrote:

"

On 2005-10-12 07:32:00, Anonymous wrote:


" A couple years after Straight I got married and was abusive to my step daughter.

Abusive how?

She has mental illness in her family on both sides. She is having a hard time now. Her mom blames me for it all. Can I blame Straight? Should I just kill myself? Has anybody else been abusive to people after Straight? I feel alone and not sure I deserve to live.

Forgive me for all the questions... but there are a lot of holes here... what kind of mental illnesses?  What kind of hard time is she having? How old is this kid?  



Do you deserve to live?  Yeah, most likely.  Have you thought about Straight before now?  If not, why not?



Again, sorry for all the questions, but I'm a taken a little aback by what you've said.  Very few freely admit to abuse, and  "Abuse" covers a lot of territory... so does "blame".  



I'm not a therapist, nor are a lot of people that post here.  If you're questioning taking your own life, the simple answer is "no", you have a right to live like everyone else.



Only you know this situation.  You can choose to post it here, or talk to someone privately ... and I'm not talking about some "make everything alright" charlatain.  If you need to talk to a professional, choose carefully.



As for me, (I wasn't in Straight - I was in LIFE, Inc.... Helen Peterman was Miller-Newton's protoge`) - and ya know... I walked around with a big, fat chip on my shoulder for a good ... oh... maybe 8 years.  Regardless the reasons - it had to be put into perspective (forgive the cliche`) - and I realized that the people I came across on a daily basis (and 100 miles away) were NOT the people I was angry with.... and it went from there.



That's my $0.02.









"

I fondled her when she was 10, she is 25 now. I was 22, so it was nearly 5 years after Straight. I told her mother after I was unable to kill myself. We went to a therapist, I was reported to DSS, went through two years of therapy.

Her father is killing himself with liquor. Her grandparents all were Obsessive Compulsive and abusive in various ways.

She is having a hard time in that she is obsessive compulsive and verbally abusive to people she gets close to.

I have always offered to go to therapy with her, pay for it etc. We have come to a place of some kind of semblance of being able to talk about it.

This forum is probably not where to look for understanding but I wonder if people from abusive programs turn out more abusive or if it is just my own being abused that caused me to be to able to do that.

I post here because I am in pain daily, and can be anon. The two years of therapy was mostly to make sure I wasn't a pedophile. It wasn't to help me survive my shame and regret.

I think about Straight everyday.

[Anonymous]

Have you molested anyone else or had thoughts of it since? How many times did it happen?

Your right I can't understand why you did it and being a parent myself I would not hesitate to harm anyone that harmed my children. straight or no straight, it's not an excuse.

[groovy1634]

On 2005-10-12 20:14:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Have you molested anyone else or had thoughts of it since? How many times did it happen?



Your right I can't understand why you did it and being a parent myself I would not hesitate to harm anyone that harmed my children. straight or no straight, it's not an excuse."

you took the words right out of my mouth....

btw, i was abused as a child, and it took MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE to get through it....

i understand you are sick, but you can't soley blame straight....

you say you think about straight everyday?

i hope you are thinking about what you have done to that girl's life everyday.....

i am sorry if i sound harsh, but, i will ALWAYS speak my mind on that subject

 ::soapbox::  :flame:

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-10-12 19:41:00, Anonymous wrote:


"I fondled her when she was 10, she is 25 now. I was 22, so it was nearly 5 years after Straight. I told her mother after I was unable to kill myself. We went to a therapist, I was reported to DSS, went through two years of therapy.



Her father is killing himself with liquor. Her grandparents all were Obsessive Compulsive and abusive in various ways.



She is having a hard time in that she is obsessive compulsive and verbally abusive to people she gets close to.



I have always offered to go to therapy with her, pay for it etc. We have come to a place of some kind of semblance of being able to talk about it.



This forum is probably not where to look for understanding but I wonder if people from abusive programs turn out more abusive or if it is just my own being abused that caused me to be to able to do that.



I post here because I am in pain daily, and can be anon. The two years of therapy was mostly to make sure I wasn't a pedophile. It wasn't to help me survive my shame and regret.



I think about Straight everyday."

If I understand your post correctly, you took responsibility for it by admitting it to her mother. That took guts, most would not admit such a thing. You also went to therapy as you should have.

So am I correct to interpret your post that you did everything you were told to do after being reported?

As for the girl's family, you have no control over them, all you can really do anything about is your own relationship with the girl. Therapy with the girl is probably a good idea. I personally think you should continue to offer to pay for it. Maybe by helping her now, you will both be able to heal.

Sounds like you really should ask for her forgiveness if you have not yet. And then FORGIVE YOURSELF. Dont kill yourself, you deserve to live. I respect you for admitting to the harm you caused. Again that took guts.

Maybe you should get therapy for just yourself as well...to deal with your personal issues regarding that incident.

From what I know about abuse, its usually a cycle. People that were abused as kids often grow up to be abusive adults. Its not automatic but its very common. I guess, my opinion on that is do your part to stop the cycle of abuse...by never doing it again. From what you are saying, it sounds like you wont.

I dont pretend to be a therapist, this is just my opinion. Hope it helps.  ::rainbow::

[Anonymous]

I do think about the effects of my actions everday. At the time though I did not realise how it would be harmful. I enjoyed being abused by my babysitter.

I don't have sexual feelings for children, have not ever thought of re-offending,I attempted to use sex as a way to repress my rage.
 
I fondeled her 9 or 10 times on the outside of her clothes. I was rageful at her and her mother and thought that I could find love for her by feeling sexual about her. I felt I couldn't leave because her mom was pregnant. When I couldn't stand my guilt and realised I was not really able to repress my anger that way I apologised and brought told her mom, DSS, began trudging through self hatred.  

I don't mean to use the board as a confessional, I give details because they were asked.

I want to know if other survivors feel that they were inclined to abuse because of Straight and if they were abusive how they go on living with it that pain and knowledge.

[linchpin]

On 2005-10-12 07:32:00, Anonymous wrote:

" A couple years after Straight I got married and was abusive to my step daughter. She has mental illness in her family on both sides. She is having a hard time now. Her mom blames me for it all. Can I blame Straight? Should I just kill myself? Has anybody else been abusive to people after Straight? I feel alone and not sure I deserve to live.  "

 No you cant blame straight. I never molested any kids and I was 12 when I went to straight. I think you should turn yourself in..you are a sick predator and deserve to be beaten in prison daily.
 I want your IP address. You need to pay for your crimes and be registered as a sex offender.
 You dont deserve to live outside of a prison, Im not gonna threaten you but hope I dont find out who you are. Ill file charges at the very least.
 How can you justify fucking a child just because of straight?!
 You are trash and dont deserve to have a happy life.
 I will pray to god every night that karma finds you....and that you get raped in the ass by a large black man.
 Fucking sick fuck.

[linchpin]

Goddamn you piss me off dude...Dont just come here saying "I feel bad waaaah" You deserve to..
 Its a known fact that most pedophiles commit the act over and over and over..
 How many other kids have you destroyed with your perversion? If you say "no others" I say you are full of shit.
 You need to suffer, bitch.
 I think all sex offenders should get the lethal injection.

[Woof-a-Doof]

On 2005-10-12 19:13:00, Helena Handbasket wrote:

"

On 2005-10-12 18:18:00, Woof-a-Doof wrote:


"

(I wasn't in Straight - I was in LIFE, Inc.... Helen Peterman was Miller-Newton's protoge`)

Hmmmm In Straight Inc. Helen Peterman was there long long before Miller Newton."

How?"

I arrived at Straight Inc's door January 21st 1978. Helen Peterman was there and was at the top of the "chain of command". We were in the the Milton Roy warehouse at the time. If memory serves me correctly, Miller Newton came on scene after we went to the Morgan Yacht building. Newton came after another knucklehead by the name of George Ross. Helen Peterman was a mother of a girl who went thru the Seed as the story goes. Helen Peterman was involved long before these two other two.

Seems to me there are more important issues at present than worrying about the history of who's who in Straights history, IMHO.