Thank you for sharing your story. I am happy that your child did not have to remain in a program and that you were able to get local help for him. I would love to see more of that.
You made a wonderful point that I would like to reiterate to parents thinking about sending their child to a program. If you do make the decision, once you have done all the homework you can, have visited the facility yourself, and are as sure as you can be that the place is safe, is that you visit your child as often as possible. Do not let anyone convince you it is healthy for your child to be far from you and to have no communication with you. Think about it, you are being brainwashed into thinking like this because if you think about it logically, there is no logic in not communicating with your child. None. If the program is located in a state where there are no licensing laws, I would stay away from it. If it is located out of the country, I would stay away.
There is a lot going on in the industry and there are many programs that profess to do this and that for your child. Many convince parents their child needs to remain in the program longer than was originally intended, up to 2,3,4 or more years. This is insane.
I also think that before making the decision to send a child away all other options should have been explored. I am aware that parents do reach a point where they believe they have lost control and they can no longer help their child. I think a lot of parents sell themselves and their parenting skills short. They try to find the quick fix, but please believe, there is none. Many kids come out far more damaged when they leave a program than when they went in.
Kids are looking for something when they are acting out. Something has gone wrong along the way. They want your love and your understanding. Most often times they don't think you will understand if they try to talk to you. Communication is key. Showing your teen you love him or her, that you are there for them, that you understand what they are going through, can make a huge difference. Being judgmental is not what they need. Being understanding is.
I used to work with teens who were having problems at home. Nearly all of them told me that they felt unloved and uncared for by their parents. Often parents were divorced and out finding a new partner. Somewhere along the way the child began to feel less loved and neglected. Losing one parent in a divorce is very tough on a kid, especially a teen. Then when the remaining parent begins dating, giving all their attention to their new boy/girl friend, the child feels left out, to say the least. And then there's the other "visitation" parent. They go visit and low and behold, that parent is dating too, so they feel even more left out. It's really a tough road for them.
I feel that being a teen in today's world is very difficult. Some say they have it made because they have more material things, but I beg to differ. I think they are longing for one thing, their parents' love. Also for compassion and understanding. I know, I've been told by many teens.
Many are faced with daily challenges such as being enticed to get into drugs, drink, party, you name it.
I think something good to do with a teen is to ask him/her to a movie, of their choice of course, with coffee or dinner afterwards. Sitting through a movie together, just the two of you, can make you feel closer so that once you get to the restaurant, Starbuck's, where ever you decide to go, you not only are more relaxed, feel closer to one another, but now you actually have something to talk about. The movie. That can then ease you into a conversation and hopefully it can lead to more. It would be nice to let your teen know you love him/her (don't assume they know this, many have told me they feel unloved by their parent.) Let him/her know you understand it's tough being a teen today, that it's probably a lot harder than when you were a teen. And let him/her know you are here to talk 24/7.
Remember, teen years are tough. Remember? Remember how it felt to be rejected by a boy? How it felt to not have a date to a dance? How it felt when you didn't fit in with the crowd? How tough it was at school at times? The list could go on, and on, and on. We were all there, I think we can all remember. Those are tough years. When the going got tough, we weren't sent away to be "fixed" by some program thousands of miles away. People worked through this stage of life.
Can you imagine if wives could send their husbands away for a year, or two, or three, or more, to "fix" them when they screw up? Or vice versa, husbands sending their wives away?
How messed up are some of our marriages? When the tough gets going in today's world, we get divorced. Many people prematurely divorce before trying to work things out, only to regret it later. Divorce sometimes is the only sane answer if you are in an unhealthy relationship. But for the most part many marriages could be saved with some work. People just don't want to deal with it, it's easier to move on. So they think. They don't really think what affect this is going to have on the entire family, extended family, and so one.
And that's how it is when kids are sent away to a program. It affects not only the immediate family but extended family and friends as well. It is such a violation of the child's rights to have them abducted and taken away, against their will, to an undisclosed location to be locked up for years.
Think about it, this is what is happening every day to thousands of children. It is sickening. Do you think this would be tolerated if wives started having their cheating husbands abducted in the middle of the night and sent off to Western Samoa so they could be fixed and so they could learn how to behave?
But of course that would be considered illegal. How come it's not considered illegal when it's done to a child?
