My own induction into the Monkey House

[dragonfly]

[Nonconformistlaw]

Damn I thought I had bad moments as I started to "wake up"! Just reading it messed with my head a little! Sounds like that was one hell of a bad deprogramming memory for you.  :sad:

On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:
"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death.  Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me.  So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight."

The unraveling/deprogramming reminded me a lot of the first few weeks of Straight's programming for me...in the sense of all the self doubt and confusion suddenly thrust upon me.

The confusion in my mind of incorrectly separating the "truth" from the "lies" while slowly becoming brainwashed led me to a false "happy" existence.

But after Straight, the confusion of trying separate the REAL truth from the programming lies seemed to take longer and led me down a long path of self destruction to run from the reality of the brainwashing lies. For me as I came unraveled I think I erected a kind of fortress by refusing to think much about the specifics of Straight to protect myself.

"I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous."

What you say here makes sense but for me...its a toss up which was worse. Of course right now feels like another period of damaging deprogramming, so maybe afterward is actually worse. Either way, the entire brainwashing & deprogramming process is terribly destructive.

After my dramatic post straight ordreal.... I spent most of my time suppressing those deprogramming realizations. I had many surreal moments at concerts or as a barfly, similar yet less dramatic than the one you described, where the truth just hit me at the oddest times and I would notice how screwed up my mind was compared to everyone I knew (deprogramming). I'm sure I promptly headed for the bar for another drink when those moments happened, just so I would feel more normal and less like a complete freak. I was unraveling and building a fortress at the same time.

[Antigen]

I find them terrifying.

The sadist cannot stand the separation of the public and the private; nor can he grant to others the mystery of their personality, the validity of their inner self...in order for him to feel his maximum power, he wants the world to be peopled with concrete manipulatable objects...
-- ERNEST BECKER, The Structure of Evil, 1968.

[dragonfly]

[dragonfly]

[starry-eyed pirate]

i remember that night.  Sorry brother, we were all fucked up 'n' freakin' out.  It was a real hard time.

[Antigen]

You mean, you haven't seen them, then?

http://www.rawilson.com/illuminatus.html#fnord

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/ ... miamithem' target='_new'>H. G. Wells

[Antigen]

I can't recomend the book highly enought. Who needs acid when ya' got RAW?

"...In general, it's just an overall sign in America that there doesn't seem to be as much respect for authority figures, and that's a bad trend. It just strikes me that people can say whatever they want to and get away with it, and that's not good."

--But David Murrell, exec. dir. of the Florida Police Benevolent Association

[Anonymous]

On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:

"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death.  Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me.  So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight.



I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous.



I want to describe my own introduction into the monkey house. I had come home for Christmas vacation and on New Years night (I think) I went to hear the Jello Boys playing at Wilmur?s Park in MD. I was with Pirate, his ever-so-sexy girlfriend from straight and Nick Dor***, also from straight. Standing there listening to the good music, Jeff Gold**rg, from straight came up and asked if I wanted to trip, I said yes, he put something on my tongue. I felt no physical effects though. Sometime later though, Nick was staring at me with a worried look. My arms had gone stiff and I was sort of frozen. I began noticing that the band was not really playing the music, the guitar player was also staring at me and constantly pushing up his glasses, but the guitar music kept going even when his hand was away from the guitar. He was looking paranoid, I assumed it was because I had noticed that they were lip sync-ing the music. Nick took pity on me and convinced me to step outside for some herb, he said it was to mellow me out.  I could tell he was disappointed that I had noticed the band faking it.



We went back in, watching the fake band, watching the psychedelic light show. Eventually the show was over and the lights came on. The fluorescent lights. Suddenly I noticed that easily half of the people at the show I recognized from straight. Almost all of them were wearing Chuck Taylor tennis shoes, worn blue jeans and tie-dyes from the same shirt maker. The new dress code. Beige linoleum floor, no windows, drop ceiling, fluorescent lights, we were obviously still in straight. Up front instead of staff we had a band faking Grateful Dead music. Here we were thinking we were so cool and rebellious and free and yet we had recreated straight unawares, or someone had. At this point, Pirate, his sweetie, and Nick noticed that I had caught on and ushered me to the car.



They told me to chill. I told them that I had seen that we were still in straight. Pirate?s girlfriend was driving, she began screaming at me, telling me that we were not in straight. She obviously was not pleased that I had caught on. At that point I began to suspect that she was somehow going to be started over as a result of my realization, that it must have been up to her to prevent me from noticing the new straight. She must have been an oldcomer, maybe she was my oldcomer. Any way, she had aleady notified staff, I could tell because the highway had been emptied of other cars. The new straight must have had direct affiliations with the police. They had closed the highways because they did not want me to stop other motorist and notify them of the horrible reality that they too were involved in straight, that straight had seeped into the outside world, that without knowing it they were going through their phases, earning the equivalent of Talk, T and R, permissions, 5th phase, even graduating from a program they had no idea existed. My realizing this was obviously going to be a National Disaster. I expected to be taken to the White House to be re-programed by the CIA.



I asked them where they were taking me, there was no answer. ?WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?? I was getting a little distraught by now. Pirates girlfriend screamed at me to shut up the whole way back to their apartment. Nick again insisted that I smoke with him. Pirate had retreated to his bedroom. Nick and I settled into watching TV, the show was a long drawn out appeal for money by a Christian evangelist. My howls at the TV must have finally pushed Pirate over the edge, he came out in tears (he had had 3 hits) and asked me to quiet down, said he was so worried about me that he was sick to his stomach. I saw then how impractical my realization was. To tell people about their sub-conscious involvement with straight only served to upset them, and at the same time I could not keep quiet about it. The compassionate thing seemed to be suicide at that point. I think I must have mentioned this to Nick, because he took the razor blades I had in my pocket, (I was working as a window cleaner at the time) and sat up with me the rest of the night. Thanks Nick.



I would never wish that experience on anyone, at the same time I am so grateful to have had it. Also grateful to have come through the years of psychosis and breakdowns with only this amount of damage done. I am still coming out of straight, still realizing the extent of the damage done, still struggling to find something in me I can trust. The insanity of de-programming myself has effected many people in my life, and the hurt I have caused others in this process is the heaviest weight of all.  



       


"

I remember this time when I smoked up :smokin:  and then I dropped some acid and then I got paranoid and thought things were happening that were not really happening.

It was because drugs are poison :skull:

[Anonymous]

avoid improper dosage.

[shady grove]

I hope nick is doing ok. I really liked that guy. Anyone know?

[starry-eyed pirate]

Nick was a good friend of mine.  i haven't seen or heard from him since '91.  Last i knew he was in Richmond.

[Anonymous]

On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:

"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death.  Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me.  So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight.



I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous.



I want to describe my own introduction into the monkey house. I had come home for Christmas vacation and on New Years night (I think) I went to hear the Jello Boys playing at Wilmur?s Park in MD. I was with Pirate, his ever-so-sexy girlfriend from straight and Nick Dor***, also from straight. Standing there listening to the good music, Jeff Gold**rg, from straight came up and asked if I wanted to trip, I said yes, he put something on my tongue. I felt no physical effects though. Sometime later though, Nick was staring at me with a worried look. My arms had gone stiff and I was sort of frozen. I began noticing that the band was not really playing the music, the guitar player was also staring at me and constantly pushing up his glasses, but the guitar music kept going even when his hand was away from the guitar. He was looking paranoid, I assumed it was because I had noticed that they were lip sync-ing the music. Nick took pity on me and convinced me to step outside for some herb, he said it was to mellow me out.  I could tell he was disappointed that I had noticed the band faking it.



We went back in, watching the fake band, watching the psychedelic light show. Eventually the show was over and the lights came on. The fluorescent lights. Suddenly I noticed that easily half of the people at the show I recognized from straight. Almost all of them were wearing Chuck Taylor tennis shoes, worn blue jeans and tie-dyes from the same shirt maker. The new dress code. Beige linoleum floor, no windows, drop ceiling, fluorescent lights, we were obviously still in straight. Up front instead of staff we had a band faking Grateful Dead music. Here we were thinking we were so cool and rebellious and free and yet we had recreated straight unawares, or someone had. At this point, Pirate, his sweetie, and Nick noticed that I had caught on and ushered me to the car.



They told me to chill. I told them that I had seen that we were still in straight. Pirate?s girlfriend was driving, she began screaming at me, telling me that we were not in straight. She obviously was not pleased that I had caught on. At that point I began to suspect that she was somehow going to be started over as a result of my realization, that it must have been up to her to prevent me from noticing the new straight. She must have been an oldcomer, maybe she was my oldcomer. Any way, she had aleady notified staff, I could tell because the highway had been emptied of other cars. The new straight must have had direct affiliations with the police. They had closed the highways because they did not want me to stop other motorist and notify them of the horrible reality that they too were involved in straight, that straight had seeped into the outside world, that without knowing it they were going through their phases, earning the equivalent of Talk, T and R, permissions, 5th phase, even graduating from a program they had no idea existed. My realizing this was obviously going to be a National Disaster. I expected to be taken to the White House to be re-programed by the CIA.



I asked them where they were taking me, there was no answer. ?WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?? I was getting a little distraught by now. Pirates girlfriend screamed at me to shut up the whole way back to their apartment. Nick again insisted that I smoke with him. Pirate had retreated to his bedroom. Nick and I settled into watching TV, the show was a long drawn out appeal for money by a Christian evangelist. My howls at the TV must have finally pushed Pirate over the edge, he came out in tears (he had had 3 hits) and asked me to quiet down, said he was so worried about me that he was sick to his stomach. I saw then how impractical my realization was. To tell people about their sub-conscious involvement with straight only served to upset them, and at the same time I could not keep quiet about it. The compassionate thing seemed to be suicide at that point. I think I must have mentioned this to Nick, because he took the razor blades I had in my pocket, (I was working as a window cleaner at the time) and sat up with me the rest of the night. Thanks Nick.



I would never wish that experience on anyone, at the same time I am so grateful to have had it. Also grateful to have come through the years of psychosis and breakdowns with only this amount of damage done. I am still coming out of straight, still realizing the extent of the damage done, still struggling to find something in me I can trust. The insanity of de-programming myself has effected many people in my life, and the hurt I have caused others in this process is the heaviest weight of all.  



       


"

Jello Boys are fucking awesome.  Sounds like a wylde tyme.  Interesting insight regarding "creating another Straight" i.e. the conformity, "Straightling image", etc.  A mixture of insight and paranoia it seems......

[starry-eyed pirate]

Jello-Boys, Cosmic Debris and Black Sheep were some damn good bands back in the day.  Actually the headline band that was jammin' that night was called "Men Who Wear Chucks" (as in Chuck Taylors).  i remember how the musicians all looked like weird giant insectcs to me. i remember how desperately insane that night was.

[shady grove]

I think I might have been there, guys. Summer '91? I remember a huge Jerry Garcia birthday bash with Jello Boys, black Sheep and New Potato Caboose, among others. That was an awesome day. (For me)

Actually saw the caboose alot back then. I probably ran into you guys (or accidentally bumped you while dancing). :smile: