Emotional After-effects

[starry-eyed pirate]

On 2005-09-17 22:37:00, webcrawler wrote:

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On 2005-09-17 22:30:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:


"

On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:


"I feel terrible for even saying it  :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll:  "

You are prolly right about that NCL of it being some standard shit to say. I had a friend that went on staff in the California straight and I can imagine him saying "you have it so easy compared to how we had it in Michigan."  :lol: "

In VA we heard about how lucky we were not to have been in St. Pete.  i heard stories about newcomers bein' tied up and locked in closets at St. Pete.  Just try to remember how lucky you are while your bein' executed by the state.  And no i will not define my terms.

[Anonymous]

it is not necessary to define the terms of the above post. the postor was clearly referencing the annihilation of our minds in Straight irregardless of the degree of literal physical torturing. he was also sarcastically, although perhaps unconsciously, referencing the sort of "gratitude" filth to which we were subjected. in which, we knew ourselves not really to have it too bad, that is, we were glad to get our winter coats handed out to us while we stood heel to toe in line at the end of a long day of trying really hard to be brainwashed and to brainwash each other. oh look, it's my comforting grocery bag of my very own clothes. and the pattern of shadows on the ceiling is something to think about while lying on a little fold out piece of furniture in the dark.

[seamus]

Sure seemedlike "empathy, Being strong and what you needed"covered a multitude of sins. Jargon to cover nonsense

[Anonymous]

It is all too much of a mess to ever figure it out. Any professional assistance you seek out will eventually turn on you, and your superior sensitivities will alert you to this. A wounded animal has a particular scent. It is merely instinct to kick at it to get it to go away, or else see how can you use for your own purposes of practicing your instincts on a wounded animal. Case in point. Never tell them anything. It goes in your file. DUH.

[PerfectStraightling]

On 2005-09-17 22:53:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:

"

On 2005-09-17 22:37:00, webcrawler wrote:


"

On 2005-09-17 22:30:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:



"

On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:



"I feel terrible for even saying it  :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll:  "

You are prolly right about that NCL of it being some standard shit to say. I had a friend that went on staff in the California straight and I can imagine him saying "you have it so easy compared to how we had it in Michigan."  :roll:

[shady grove]

Please don't ever let anyone take your sensitivity. For me, it is so hard to find, b/c people can be, well, so insensitive. It is special.

Your story is truly sad. I appreciate you letting us know about it. In effect the life you had in straight rescued you from the hellish life you already had. And while it was hellish on its own, you had things there you'd bever had before. I know others with those kind of backgrounds.

Webcrawler, I know it's hard, but anyone still bragging about how tough their program was has his head very far up his ass. That's not why most of us are here. It's not about one-upping anymore.

I really feel guilty when I read about people who never did drugs before going in there. My thought is "well at least I deserved to be in there". But I didn't deserve it even if I was doing drugs. That place was just hurtful.

BTW-Straight targetted middle-calss families, so I'm curious if someone other than your parents payed for the place?  My step-mom reminds me all the time how expensive it was, but I can look at my student loan payment and know that (yup-college fund all went there).

[webcrawler]

On 2005-09-18 19:59:00, shady grove wrote:

"Please don't ever let anyone take your sensitivity. For me, it is so hard to find, b/c people can be, well, so insensitive. It is special.



Your story is truly sad. I appreciate you letting us know about it. In effect the life you had in straight rescued you from the hellish life you already had. And while it was hellish on its own, you had things there you'd bever had before. I know others with those kind of backgrounds.



Webcrawler, I know it's hard, but anyone still bragging about how tough their program was has his head very far up his ass. That's not why most of us are here. It's not about one-upping anymore.



I really feel guilty when I read about people who never did drugs before going in there. My thought is "well at least I deserved to be in there". But I didn't deserve it even if I was doing drugs. That place was just hurtful.



BTW-Straight targetted middle-calss families, so I'm curious if someone other than your parents payed for the place?  My step-mom reminds me all the time how expensive it was, but I can look at my student loan payment and know that (yup-college fund all went there)."

Thanks Shady. Well my mom was pretty much a single parent with no help until I was 10. Then my step dad came in the pic but did not hold a steady job. My parents divorced when I was 5 and we had a pretty good life until then. My dad worked at General Motors on the assembly line and my mom at the hospital. After the divorce he lost his job and everything went down hill. It was better finance wise with my mom. Still I went to straight 1 month after turning 15 and insurance didn't cover it. She sold our house and moved into a $6000 HUD home and fixed it up. She then took a mortgage out on that house. My stay at straight pretty much drained the bank. To top it off I was sent to a Catholic school right before straight and my mom had to keep paying tuition until I made 3rd phase and could go to the school by my host home (we got some finacial aid for school but it was not much).

[Anonymous]

NCL wrote:
It's my mind that keeps me up too...

It's something else that keeps me up sometimes... :grin:

[Anonymous]

Melatonin works pretty well.  There's a procuct called Allunasleep that works OK too.

Sorry to hear about your run-in with the asshole.  It's weird how normal words in the English language became so loaded with Cultspeak definitions, to the point where using words like "love", "empathy", "sensitivity","honesty", etc. take on new and different meanings, and the shadow of those meanings is always looming large whenever we use those terms in the 'real world'....by controlling the language, they controlled the scope of the conversation, controlled THOUGHTS.  One of the more subtle, but powerful, aspects of the Straight mindfuck.

[dragonfly]

[webcrawler]

In all fairness I should say that I worked things out with the person. For some reason I can not let things remain bad with others and feel the need to fix everything. Maybe it's out of guilt which is something I never felt before the age of 15 when I went in the program. People that felt guilt and had a conscience annoyed me back then.

I don't enjoy being ruled by my emotions one bit. This is something I have to constantly battle with. The real world does not want to hear me share my feelings everytime I'm upset or sad. After I left straight I told people how I felt almost in a compulsive sort of way. Yes, I like to experience happiness and all but usually that feeling doesn't come about unless I'm doing something risky.

I can't even stay angry at other survivors for getting just as emotional as me. That shit is hard to purge from our systems. We were kids with brains that were still developing and forced to be in a constant vulnerable and intimate state of mind. Everything was about feelings and probably will for the rest of our lives to some degree.

[shady grove]

I am totally with you here. I went in at fifteen, too. For years I would just beat things to death. Sometimes my wife just won't respond to something I can't let go of, and that's my cue that I might be getting a little annoying with the analytical.

And I hate it too when I think someone has a problem with me. I take it personally instead of thinking that their problem is THEIR problem. This has been very problematic in past relationships.

Something that I definately feel I took away from straight is OCD. Actually I remember when it began, and it was my response to all the rules and the hypervigilance. An attempt at control in an environment where I had zero control...couldn't even use the bathroom by myself. Had to ask for every bite of food, every square of toilet paper.

I have noted that alot of these problems (including depression) have been helped with SSRIs. That's not for everyone, though.

[dragonfly]

[Withdraw]

[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 22:55 ]

[Anonymous]

Feeeeeleengs, nuutheeng mooore than feeelengs