the republicans

[PerfectStraightling]

Well I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have gone through a lot in the last year and whatever months since I have found this site and it's been very emotional for me. But I feel lately as though the truth is that although straight was hell, it was pure hell on earth, I am beginning to feel as though it wasn't a true hell.

What I mean is that I am still me. I still am essentially the same, at my core, and they didn't change or couldn't change ... my soul. That's how it seems to me now. That is still whole and intact, and so I am still fine in that sense of the word fine. The essence of my being is something that nobody can touch or change or alter, and so I will always be able to come through this or anything else.

But it was hell and things have been more than confusing for me.

Recently I finally brought the whole straigh issue up to my dad. I never did before out of fear. He basically told me that yeah, straight ended up getting into a lot of trouble, but that the parents didn't really know. Of course I think that's BS. Totally not excuseable, considering the inane songs we used to sing alone. The snapping of our fingers while we sang I love the mountains or whatever. How could they not know. But the fact is that my dad doesn't feel bad and truly believed he was doing the right thing.

What I want is for him to apologize and connect with me on an emotional level. But he is incapable of doing that. So what can I do. I can't cry forever and feel...dare I say it...sorry for myself. I mean, just I am realizing that I don't really NEED him to apologize. That doesn't mean we are close though. We're not. I can't talk to him very often and much of the time when I do I end up enraged about something. So I try not to talk to him about emotional things.

But the truth is that the core of my being is still here, completely whole and intact. And in fact, now I know what it is, it's not following what other people think, or doing what I should do. It's doing what I think and what I want. I can see those things as totally distinct. Maybe other people can't see that.

But that gets into the discussion about the Republicans and how they are greedy slave drivers. But that's another topic. Maybe even the Republicans cant' ruin the world as I have thought in the past year. But they can sure fuck it up some.

[Withdraw]

[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 23:08 ]

[Antigen]

On 2005-09-14 20:33:00, JMA wrote:

Of course I think that's BS. Totally not excuseable, considering the inane songs we used to sing alone. The snapping of our fingers while we sang I love the mountains or whatever. How could they not know. But the fact is that my dad doesn't feel bad and truly believed he was doing the right thing.

I think it's just suspended disbelief. Same as when you lose yourself in a good book or movie or magician's performance. Same thing as when ppl go to church or a Dead concert and have this mighty, awsome religious experience. It really is a simple parlour trick. But, if you're getting something worthwhile out of it, you voluntarily suspend disbelief, agree to overlook the flaws and contradictions and pretend, along w/ the performer, that it's all quite real.

The parents got something out of it; relief from the paranoia over our stumbling along the road from childhood to maturity.

And it's the very same thing w/ political dogma. People fight over it not so much because they have strong opinions about what their team is actually doing in the real world, but over those never delivered promises of Utopian ease. The reality lurking in the daylight right outside the theatre doors is that both sides are robbing us of our money, time and autonomy for the sake of those never fulfilled promises.

I would never even attempt to get any straight answers out of my mom. She's just was not capable of it last time I tried and I have no reason to believe she's come around any. Fact is she values her perceived status in the cult over a relationship w/ me. She's demonstrated that time and time again. Her loss. It only confirms what I thought when I was 14 and tried to run away forever.

I'm a PATRIOT because I believe in the nations ability to un-fuck itself.
--Nihilanthic