Well I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have gone through a lot in the last year and whatever months since I have found this site and it's been very emotional for me. But I feel lately as though the truth is that although straight was hell, it was pure hell on earth, I am beginning to feel as though it wasn't a true hell.
What I mean is that I am still me. I still am essentially the same, at my core, and they didn't change or couldn't change ... my soul. That's how it seems to me now. That is still whole and intact, and so I am still fine in that sense of the word fine. The essence of my being is something that nobody can touch or change or alter, and so I will always be able to come through this or anything else.
But it was hell and things have been more than confusing for me.
Recently I finally brought the whole straigh issue up to my dad. I never did before out of fear. He basically told me that yeah, straight ended up getting into a lot of trouble, but that the parents didn't really know. Of course I think that's BS. Totally not excuseable, considering the inane songs we used to sing alone. The snapping of our fingers while we sang I love the mountains or whatever. How could they not know. But the fact is that my dad doesn't feel bad and truly believed he was doing the right thing.
What I want is for him to apologize and connect with me on an emotional level. But he is incapable of doing that. So what can I do. I can't cry forever and feel...dare I say it...sorry for myself. I mean, just I am realizing that I don't really NEED him to apologize. That doesn't mean we are close though. We're not. I can't talk to him very often and much of the time when I do I end up enraged about something. So I try not to talk to him about emotional things.
But the truth is that the core of my being is still here, completely whole and intact. And in fact, now I know what it is, it's not following what other people think, or doing what I should do. It's doing what I think and what I want. I can see those things as totally distinct. Maybe other people can't see that.
But that gets into the discussion about the Republicans and how they are greedy slave drivers. But that's another topic. Maybe even the Republicans cant' ruin the world as I have thought in the past year. But they can sure fuck it up some.