Sleepless in Canada

[Cheeky54]

Sleepless in Canada I was in AARC in 93 and 94, I signed myself in and could have left at anytime, God I wish I would have.  Years later, I still judge everything I do, still think that I am a bad person.

After I was out of treatment for about 6 months, I made the horrible choice to go and work there.  That is the truly ##*&*%ed up thing, getting clients to work on staff.  I was so proud of myself at the time, believing that I was helping people, thinking I had that special gift to reach out to others. HA!  I just drilled into them everything that had been drilled into me.  The sexual confessions were always the worst for me.  Someone shares how their father raped them or about having sex with animals, and five minutes later, its the end of rap, so "just let it go".  


I know I am just going off here, but it's good to finally talk about it with people that understand.  I am totally going to break my own anonyimity here by sharing this story, but what the hell.  When I was in treatment, I tried to kill myself, did a really good job of it to.  I slashed my wrists about forty times on each wrist, I was covered with blood, literally.  I walked out of the bathroom where I did it on my own, realizing that I really did not want to die.  I was taken to the hospital, stiched up and then brought back to group, still covered with blood, so that group could yell at my for an hour or two, telling my how selfish I was, how full of #%#, how pathetic I was.  I had to sit on a "rap" stool in front of everyone and listen to their crap.  Can you say, just a little traumatic.  That night I was of course upset, and I was crying in bed, and my oldcomer used the ever popular phrase "let it go".  Oh, and months later, when I was a shining example of "an addict in recovery", Vause would tell the story of my suicide attempt, but somehow the way things happened changed.  Apparently they broke the door down to get my, "would have died if they hadn't done that", anything for effect.


Pathetic. I dream a lot, I wish that would stop.

[Antigen]

AARC, the kinder, gentler Straight? Welcome, Cheeky. Glad to make your acquaintance. Man! What an awful memory to have to live with. So much for the idea of a kinder, gentler Program, eh? Pretty much the same sort of thing that happened in Sarasota, `80 - `82.

[Elle]

Can't get away from me can you? But the thing is that you weren't exactly like the other staff members. If it's any consolation, you're probably the only person who didn't permantantly injure me in some way! I would have been there many more months (or longer) if it weren't for you. By going back it caused you unecessary pain, but I don't think that you passed it on to anyone else, which is something that none of the others can say for themselves. We knew that you had to play the game the same way that everyone else did or that you would be in an equal amount of trouble, but we also knew that you wouldn't judge us. You were the nice guy, that's got to amount to something.


I'm quite sure that we'll be able to see karma work in the near future. Near enough anyways. With hell slowly beginnng to break loose it will all fall apart.


                                                   "Elle"

[Cheeky54]

Advice? Thanks Elle,  I appreciate hearing that from you.  I know that I was always a bit of a rebel there.


You're right in saying Hell is breaking loose there.  Those flyers sure caused a stir.  Especially the "Brain Washing" and "Mind Control" words.  I hope that someday everyone can open there eyes.


I think that a lot of the people involved would be interested to know how Vause became a Doctor, having other people write his Thesus.  I know that I never suspected him being anything other than a trained Physchologist.  I know that he definitely leads people to believe that.


I was asked by a guy involved in the flyers if I would go on T.V. and talk about my experience.  That is a very scarry prospect.  Would you all do it?  I feel that in order to move on from this, I need to  stop hiding behind my fear of the centre and Vause.

Cheeky54.

[velvet2000]

God, I hope it's Oprah : ) Yeah, I'll do TV, but I'm probably even more intimidated than you are, and probably for totally different reasons. But with the project I've been working on I won't really have a choice. All I can say is that I'm not ready yet, but I hope that I'm ready very soon.


The thing is, it can only help both of us. Especially when the flyers bring more people out and we'll have a strong group to share their experiences. The only people angry at you for doing it will be AARC, and their probably pissed at you anyways, so who cares? So they make nasty phone calls, oh well.


One of the things I've done the last couple of years is not keep it a secret to anyone. I used to not tell new friends until I'd know them for a while, but now I'm always open with it even at work and stuff like that. My dentist knows about AARC. I usually say that I was a part of a Christian based theraputic cult, and if anyone wants the details I'll fill them in on it.


I don't have your email address, so if you mail me I can send you an article where he gives an outline of his career from playing hockey until now. It doesn't say that he's a psychologist (which he says he is and we know that he's not) but it does say that he's got his doctorate in physical education, and worked on a doctorate before AARC in Vancouver. So that whole passage on to psychologisthood during the beginning of AARC doesn't fit in anywhere.


You know what would be great? If we found out wha psych ward he got fired from for getting all of the patients drunk : ) Silly cult leader should have kept  his mouth shut about that!

[Cheeky54]

Re: He got them drunk? That happened?  I don't recall ever hearing the getting fired for getting kids drunk story.  Mind you my brain dosen't seem to remember everything that went on there.  I wonder why, it's best not to think of it all the time.  I'de like to hear more about that story.


Thanks.

[velvet2000]

Crazy Yeah! He said it in a rap once. He was working in a psych ward, I think in Saskatchewan. He told us to not tell our parents "or anyone" but he decided to throw a party for all the patients. He asked permission from a boss who obviously said no, he said something about them all being medicated and what not, but he did it anyways. I think he said something about punch, so I don't know if he spiked it or just served an alcoholic punch for everyone. I've considered calling around Saskatoon to see if I can get a record of employment.  

[journeyan]

Re: Sleepless in Canada Dear Sleepless,


I'm sorry to hear you're still agonizing over the choices you made.  Something I've learned is that no matter what you do, you still would've done it.  As idiotic as that may sound, it's fact.  I used to have nightmares about the program I was placed in for years, afterwards.  I don't have them anymore.  Everyone has a different stage or place where they "let it go", but they're the only ones who know when or why that happens.  I let go of the trauma because it was killing me.  And it's hard to be productive when you're dead.  So I said, to hell with it---me or this Program.  Now, I can be productive.  Writing books, working on a screenplay, assisting so many other people who are still hurting bad.  I don't even feel them or what they did to us, anymore.  Not angry.  Just focused.  It's tedious as hell if you're in a rush to see justice.  But one of the biggest reasons I found these websites was because I wasn't in a rush and I had let my experiences with these people rest.  Not buried, just at rest, so I could get some damn peace.  Whether you believe me or not, it does happen.  And then, you can nail the SOB's.  (Smile)


Keep strong,


Christian

[kaydeejaded]

Sleepless There is something so strange about the way these programs handled suicide/slashing attempts. It is almost like they are imparting the message that you really must not want to die or you would be dead, do it better, you are pathetic. In Boston I overdosed on advil at a safehouse after copping out. I did not want to die I wanted to go into a psych ward to get out of Straight. They pumped my stomach and sent me back that night to be reamed in group and stripped of my "clean time" and frozen for 30days. I did not want to die but they didn't know that. They were antagonistic and basically told me that I had even failed at my so called suicide attempt. Uh yeah I did but what if I was suicidal and in need of support it was not there couldn't they have been caring and seen it as needing help or love? People that I was in the program with are dead others are completely unable to live in society. I am not saying that there is one answer to every problem but confrontation and someone who feels badly about themselves do not go well together. I don't know of any program such as these in my state NY (yeah >http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/images/emoticons/smile.gif' alt=''>  ) my family shipped me to Mass. Do you all know of any?

[wesfager]

Cheeky,

We need to talk.  wesfager@thestraights.com
I am Wes Fager