LOOKING FOR SURVIVORS

[Anonymous]

I think you are so right about the post traumatic stress disorder and depression diagnoses. The symptoms most talk about after being in programs seem to fall in those two categories. I've heard from so many people that they can't be in a room without facing the door, they can't eat a meal normally, without fear, they can't sleep a full night, some wake up soaked with sweat in the middle of the night, years after they were there, and the list goes on and on. Something must be done. Something will be done, it may take a little time, but your voices will be heard.

[Anonymous]

I get night sweats too, I didn't know that was related to PTSD or program survivors.

Add to the list: headaches, TMJ, digestion problems from anxiety.

Anyone who works on my shoulder and back muscles: "wow, you're all knotted up."

[Anonymous]

And some like myself have also manifested cancer and heart disease amongst other things. There is a famous physician who has many published works about trauma and how it relates to catastrauphic diseases. By the way did you know that you are speaking to more than one person?

[Anonymous]

it's great to conduct a survey. but in this case it's like polling people who used to be in the mafia.  it's not safe to divulge your name.  you have to find a way to collect the informationj that is anonymous but also valid.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know I'm talking to more than one person and that's fine. I think survivors of programs, when they start to compare notes, would see that many of you are suffering from many of the same physical ailments. It's all part of the post traumatic stress you suffered.

You are right that the survey is a very good idea.

[Withdraw]

[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 23:09 ]

[starry-eyed pirate]

What is EDMR ??  Have you tried listenin' to the Commodores..."i see ya there dyin' in your wisdom...  Where do ya go...??  Tell Me where do ya go ?? ...Jus' see the light shine through your window...tell me why can't ya see... why can't ya see... i'm longin' ta see whether your search will find peace o' mind...this is your life..."

Hold on i gotta let that play thru...

"i see the children of the world searchin' to find themselves 'n' who they are..."  Well that was the first verse 'n' i already let that play through.  Dig!??

[Anonymous]

On 2005-09-07 21:54:00, Withdraw wrote:

"I think this is a form off Post Traumatic stress also. But In alot of ways  , I think it's also diffrent from the sterotypical PTSD. There is more to it, and the longevity is insane. I don't see EDMR fixxing it for us. It's like its always there. After thinking more about the "symptons " ( I use Symptom loosely ) they seem to go way deeper than what Ive read about PTSD. Its like it is a part of my soul now, make me what I am ... Which is partly good , but also very tragic.



I do believe if someone could do a study and give us a name for it ... we can heal. It's the not knowing what is wrong that is literally killing me and destroying my life.



It's like PSTD , ALL phobias ,slightly psychotic , way beyond major depression, Mixxed personality disorder  all wrapped into one big OMFG package.



One thing that never goes away is the full awareness of EVERYTHING inside and out.



I function ok, but I can't think ok. So I pretend , like many of us do. And every so often it all becomes so real again, I have to process it again. This process usually takes me 2-4 weeks.. Then I do ok again for several months. But its a continous cycle."

[starry-eyed pirate]

Withdraw-

i feel ya, i know they aint got no name for what we got.  It's too complicated 'n' fucked up for anyone ta get a handle on.  It's jus' sickness 'n' despair, sickness o' the mind.  Jus' keep tellin' me what's wrong.  i want ta heal ya soon as i can.  Fear is an illusion.

P.S. i talk shit when i'm drunk.  i don' really know, but i know you aint confused by the language i speak.  Ya feel me ??[ This Message was edited by: starry-eyed pirate on 2005-09-08 00:57 ]

[twilite]

he had stars in his eyes that just never went away................

[twilite]

Now that you have had fun with your booty and plunder, I guess you are now away in a drunken slumber....................

[groovy1634]

. Which program did you attend?

dallas/irving....march 91'-july 91'

2. How long were you in the program?

4 months

3. Why were you sent there?

had been treatment many times.....insurance made me pick a residential program to keep coverage

4. Did you feel your parents were justified in sending you away?


they didn't....they hated straight from day one...i was almost 18 when i went in

5. How did you get there? Escort service pick you up in the middle of the night, or did you go willingly.
willingly

6. If you went willingly, do you feel the program was misrepresented to you? If so, how?

yes....i was a senior in hs...told me i would still graduate in time....said i could pick up my car// go home after 6 weeks...that my life would still be the same...just had to go to host home for 6 weeks

7. Education: Did you get a good education while you were in the program? Did you have teachers who gave lectures or was it all self teaching? Did you receive a high school diploma, or were you able to finish and get a diploma on time? Do you feel the education was adequate and helped you move on to college?

no no no......i never looked at a school book until the last week or two i was there...after being promised that i would graduate in time (was two months from graduation with an A average)....finally let me start my courses by correspondence...one hour a day to complete 7 subjects of work.....so no, i did not recieve my hs diploma....got GED in August of 91' and went to college the next fall

8. How was the food? And the cleanliness of the place?
food was fair to disgusting...place was pretty dirty

9. Were you abused? If so, how? How many times? By whom?

emotionally by all staff....no physical abuse though

10. Did you witness others being abused? If so, what form of abuse and how often?

yes, at least once a week by restraints....emotional abuse was constnt though

11. Overall, was your experience positive or negative?
negative, but life changing

12. If it was positive, please summarize your experience.
no answer

13. If it was negative, please summarize your experience.

suffered post traumatic stress syndrome....need i say more?

Thank you for your time.

[starry-eyed pirate]

On 2005-09-07 21:54:00, Withdraw wrote:

"I think this is a form off Post Traumatic stress also. But In alot of ways  , I think it's also diffrent from the sterotypical PTSD. There is more to it, and the longevity is insane. I don't see EDMR fixxing it for us. It's like its always there. After thinking more about the "symptons " ( I use Symptom loosely ) they seem to go way deeper than what Ive read about PTSD. Its like it is a part of my soul now, make me what I am ... Which is partly good , but also very tragic.



I do believe if someone could do a study and give us a name for it ... we can heal. It's the not knowing what is wrong that is literally killing me and destroying my life.



It's like PSTD , ALL phobias ,slightly psychotic , way beyond major depression, Mixxed personality disorder  all wrapped into one big OMFG package.



One thing that never goes away is the full awareness of EVERYTHING inside and out.



I function ok, but I can't think ok. So I pretend , like many of us do. And every so often it all becomes so real again, I have to process it again. This process usually takes me 2-4 weeks.. Then I do ok again for several months. But its a continous cycle."

i like what you're sayin'.  There is way more goin' on than jus'  PTSD.  It does seem like there is some crazy mix of psycho-social conditions/diseases effectin' me.  

It's strange to say but i feel like as long as i'm alone my mind is fairly clear, it's jus' in social situations that i break down.  i was kidnapped and forced to join a cult when i was 16.  The effects of that experience are with me to this day.  i mean str8 was my whole world for over 2 years of my life.  Not to mention the residual effects of the brainwash. i don' even know what was goin' on in the outside world at that time.  Sometimes people ask me if i remember a certain band or a song or maybe some world event and if i can't remember i ask them: "was it between 1985-87 ??" and they usually respond: "Yeah".  Well that was when i was in this cult and had an extremely limited and perverted relationship with the outside world.

It seems to me that jus' when i should 'a' been formin' into a man and discoverin' who i was 'n' where i fit into the world all my contexts were removed.  i have never recovered from this.  It's been 20 years 'n' i'm still socially confused.  i can't function in any kind of an institutional setting, can't hold a job or go to school.  i was even diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder about 10 years ago but i think that is a misdiagnosis.  You are onto somethin' withdraw.  Let's keep lookin'.

[Withdraw]

[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 23:09 ]

[Anonymous]

i too have concerns about ANON claims of legitimacy but on the brights side a friend, also a mission montain school survivor, has sent me this link and explained there has been work done on a survey and expects it to be out there soon. I too feel protective of survivors and felt that the level of paranoia expressed by ANON too much, as if our paranoia isn't enough.

http://cfs.fmhi.usf.edu/cfsnews/2005news/A_START.html
 

especially for all you straight survivors, the survivors of all survivors- i'll bet this has been something youve been waiting for.  ive been waiting for a while and am relieved.