Corey Moss said "You look ridiculous" and I just realized that was the moment that it entered my mind that it was my fault that I was being five-point restrained by five girls, one of whom kept turning my head the more I struggled because she was terrifying me by turning my head like that. It now occurs to me that this scene was playing out verbatim from a how to mind-rape manual. Pavlov's dogs: he trained a bunch of dogs and kept them in his lab. A blizzard kept him from his lab for several days. When he returned, a number of them were dead and the others had forgotten everything he had taught them. Pavlov realized that he could train the surviving dogs anew, and in a completely different way. Pavlov figured out that to retrain a dog, you first had to terrify it to the point that it thought it would die because at that level of terror it would forget everything it had learned.
The whole time, I knew that I wanted freedom. We all did. That was our training reward. Like smart dogs we figured out, one way or another, how to get the reward. I did not keep any space in my mind. I saw every mistake that people made to get started over or set back, and I determined to outsmart the game: I would never do any of these things that got people in trouble. One of which was to be "full of shit". I would never lie. In order to never lie, then, because every "past incident" and "M.I." was a lie with regards to my real true point-of-view -- which was hidden since I never could talk about it or reflect upon it -- I just had to know that I was not lying. So that is what I did. I did not know that I was lying.
And that was trained into my brain: speak out loud the necessary words, believe these words in your own mind, and take no time to reflect upon or speak about your real true point-of-view. The mind of a liar who doesn't know she is lying.
I reflect back upon what I was this time last year: anxious, keep the conversation hovering above the truth, and also I easily snapped into rages -- and I don't want to go back. I am done with that, living from within some dark pit while what I put on to the world is lies that I don't even know are lies. Not lies of fact, just lies of my soul.
I feel that I must be done hoping, because hoping will never get me free. I would just rather know the truth, that I am locked up, that is all there is, and I have to get my freedom and my freedom -- I kept this somewhere in my mind -- was being alone, without their voices and their opinions about everything I was doing and every choice I was making. Sometimes it gets louder, the closer someone is. The buzz of voices in my head, the intent to show to the other person what I think they want to see to approve of me, and the belief that no matter how much I am being hurt, it is my fault. I am ridiculous to protest this jerking of my arms for me when I didn't want to participate anymore in the huge lie. That was the truth. Started over and frozen on my days. To get out of the lie, I have to sit here and not participate. But they did their techniques and terrorized me out of my mind and trained me that I was bad so like a good dog I go through the motions to get my reward...
