This is an interesting topic even if it is a little touchy. Every survivor has probably heard that question at some point and heard the"Well I would have.." or "Why didn't you just.." by someone who wasn't there. It is just so incomprehensible unless you were there.
I'm glad you want to understand.
It is hard to imagine the powerlessness of being there. The brainwashing, being broken emotionally, physically, psychologically day after day. It seems like we should have been able to do SOMETHING. How could it happen to so many? How is it possible?
How did a few evil men convince an entire NATION that the solution to all their problems was the extermination of all Jewish people? And yet that's what happened in Nazi Germany.
How was the enslavement of an entire race deemed acceptable for hundreds of years? How did people fight for freedom while owning slaves? How about the crusades? Killing people for God. Apartheid? Stalin? Mussolini? Khmer Rouge? Communism?........ Republicans
Compared to those atrocities, breaking & brainwashing a few thousand powerless teenagers & their frightened parents is child's play.
When I went into the program I was 15 and weighed all of 98 lbs. I had never heard my parents use a single foul word. They rarely raised their voices. I'd been spanked once in my entire life.
Suddenly I was told that I would not see my parents again much less live with them until I worked the program. I would never see my friends again. Life as I knew it was over. I moved frequently. No security. No trust. No help.No relationships. I was surrounded my shrieking, angry people. Kids were punished for the tiniest infraction of the rules. Looking at the guys side, crying, not crying, not motivating. Kids carved on themselves with their fingernails, sporks whatever they could get. People tried to run, they were tackled and restrained. They jumped out of moving vehicles and were caught and punished. The police came & took a guy away in front of group. Handcuffed. Announced to us all that he was going to Raeffurt. One girl lost it and just freaked out. They took her to a mental hospital and made sure we all knew it.Punishment was random, swift and severe. The peanut butter diet, people exercised until they threw up or fainted, not allowed sleep, not allowed bathroom privileges until they were forced to go infront of the group, confronted for hours, isolated, humiliated.
Initially they said it would be two weeks. I looked around and thought Ok two weeks of playing along vs hopeless fighting? I can do it. I'll just play along. I can't describe the shock when they brought a girl to the back of the group who had run and was being started over after being there a YEAR.
Eventually I made it to 2nd phase and ran. Got convinced to go back. Ran again. This time we called the authorities. HRS. The calvary. They told me I could leave but my parents wouldn't let me come home. That I'd go to a shelter home. That it would be so much worse than Straight. What did I know? They were the authorities.
I stayed. I was punished. Hopeless. Powerless. And after 9 months, broken. I bought it.Believed it all. It was THE way to survive. The only one my brain could find.
Two months before my 18th birthday I started planning. I'd already graduated but knew I was being watched, Knew they would make me do it all again and they'd have to do it before I turned 18. I got in touch with my best friend. Hadn't spoken to her in 3 years-since the day of my intake. I took her to the building. Showed her the layout, the exit points, If I disappeared she would collect a group and they would physically liberate me. I phoned HRS. Again. But this time I talked to one person. Tried to make him understand what had happened and what would happen. I gave my friend the number for the ACLU and HRS. I put money and her number in the sole of my shoe in case I had to run.I made arrangements to live with a friend if necessary. I was in HIGHSCOOL. Four days before my 18th birthday it all went down. I let everybody know about all of my plans. That I would be there not one minute past my 18th. After 3 YEARS I was free.
But as the song goes, "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave"
It was 20 years before I knew how much damage I took and took WITH me even after I left. I had no point of reference. My idea of normal wasn't but how could I know? I had nothing to compare it too.After 3 years it was the only kind of living I knew.
They drove home our powerlessness every single day and with every opportunity. Time will wear you down. Make you hopeless. And eventually your mind will choose a way to survive. And most were pretty powerless over that choice too.
It was far more powerless and hopeless than you can probably imagine.
Wherever the standard of freedom and Independence has been or shall be unfurled, there will [America's] heart, her benedictions and her prayers be. But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own.
--John Quincy Adams, Speech to the U.S. House of Representatives [July 4, 1821]
