*Foolish lists of things that either annoy you up front or which you find amusing and pass around until it hits someone who really does find it annoying.
*Ditch weed. Rats.
*Dumbasses who forget to use their flash suppressors, thereby allowing the SWAT boys to triangulate on them twice as fast, shamefully lowering the body count in the baseball diamond across the way.
*China. Other countries suck in their own ways, but China sucks with the force of billions. You know its bad when you're HAPPY to find something made in Mexico.
*Bad audio cords and those who sample their crackling or 60-cycle hums so as to mess with people at sound checks.
*Writer's block. Hell, *I* cry over that one. After a few days, it gets to be like a cross between a toothache and a full bladder. Boo hoo.
*Colon block. Its a bad thing.
*SpongeBob marketing. ENOUGH! What's next, a sci-fi version of "The Tempest" and underwear featuring robots? Wait, I think they did that... yeah, "Forbidden Planet." Damnit, where was the Robby underwear? Forrest J. Ackerman would have bought 2 dozen pairs. Now if anything really deserves a proper remake, that film does.
*Conservative pundits. He's cryin' because He's not yet big enough to kick them in the crotches so hard, they sail through the air and land in South Carolina pig pens, face-first.
*Easily half of all anime, with some making the cut only because they're beautiful to see, despite weak or grotesquely violent stories that just make you shrug and go "Eh."
*Men and women who can't find a balance between the fact that he's been taught from toddlerhood to be "tough" and go it alone, where she's been taught to confab and share at all times. If you treat the edges of those vast differences with some regard, it can be a great splice. If not, well, cops hate domestic dispute calls worse than anything; they can go nuclear faster than mere robberies or car wrecks.
*Guys named Judas or Pilate.
*The fact that we do so much through wires alone now, the social fabric is suffering. Its clear that we lose precious things for want of it happening face-to-face often enough to stick properly or shake itself out. If someone e-mails and tells you I ate condor eggs, don't shoot me until you see actual yolks.
*People who get drunk at parties and fall headfirst into the television or stereo.
*Meth users. My nice ex-wife, oddball that she is, successfully kept a bathtub filled with goldfish in the back yard for about 5 years and nursed them along until they got almost khoi-sized. They survived everything from bad weather to attempted raccoon incursions and made her very happy for the mere price of fish food and some protective screening over the top. Then a scumbag landlord started renting apartments to other scumbags at a place just a few hundred feet away from my ex's back yard. She and her neighbors began to smell nail polish remover on the air and get nasty headaches. It didn't take me a New York second to hear this and say "Its partly acetone, which is used in one of the last stages of 'cooking' up methamphetamine to get that nasty crystalline effluent all too many love to snort. There's some other lovely crap like pseudephedrine in the mix, too." The police finally triangulated on the fools and routed them, but it seemed clear that the fish, as well as the neighbors, fell prey to toxins generated by essentially worthless creatures. Baby Jesus shed a quart over that one. R.I.P. Nemo.
*Sushi. Damn, its RAW FISH! Are you NUTS? Hah.
*Decerebrate fools who ramble on and on and on while blowing clouds of Swisher Sweet smoke in your face until you wish a giant alligator clip would drop from the sky and clamp around their heads.
*The cancellation of "Futurama," one season too soon. Stupid meatbags.
*Your taste in clothes.
*Friendships that go sour for small or avoidable reasons. Slow down a little, damnit. Take a second breath before you speak or act. They aren't hanging from trees to be plucked casually and you can't make any new old friends.
*The mentally disrupted. That manic stuff and OCDs will make you crazy, especially if you're the one whose mainspring is overwound. That crap smarts. Its like an ectoplasmic hernia, ow ow ow.
*The truly insane. You know who you are and who THEY are and what THAT is and its all THEIR fault anyway and maybe you need a gun or something.
*Commercials. He cries harder when they come every 6 minutes and He was really enjoying the show the $#@! things keep interrupting.
*Computer drives that crap out and fussy magnetic media in general. He really hated the punch card era and He's straining for data crystals so we can leave the disks behind. Jesus uses a Mac; Satan went UNIX early on. Even the gods know Windows blows.
*Catching His foreskin in a zipper. Hell, that'd make anybody cry. Say, he's Jewish, so no foreskin maybe, nu? Well, you get the idea.
*Politics. For every real statesman, flawed or otherwise, there are and have been hundreds of people in public service, mostly male, who shouldn't be allowed to sell used cars, much less guide a nation.
*The fact that Doom-3 looks so boss while being sheer crap with a story a micron deep.
*"American Idol." Lord, there are so many things wrong there, I ain't EVEN gonna try to type it all out.
*When your new surfboard gets slammed by a big wave and broken the first time you take it out for a spin after the paint job had cured.
*Bullies. You know who you are. If its a drag on the schoolyard, its beyond insane in the so-called adult world. You deserve to have a dead opossum locked in your car for 6 weeks during July and then be made to eat it as a brisket. Every BITE, you hear me?
*Lost opportunity. Slow down a little, damnit.
*SUVs, even if they are passing crash tests better after a dismal start. I'd hate 'em less if every other person driving them didn't have a cell phone glued to their ear. You make me want to give you a drive-by colonoscopy with an old phone booth. There's some road rage for yer ass.
*Most of Usenet, except for the groups that focus on the arts, hobbies or science. Those are usually engaging and benign. The rest feature dragons and talking sphincters.
*This list.
Boy, the little fucker must be dehydrated by now, huh?
