I was shooting up a year and a half after the program as a result of this ?rebellious attitude.? I was still brainwashed.
It seems that after Straight I adopted an attitude of ?all or nothing? in which I was either ?practicing my program? or fucked beyond comprehension. Either way you look at it it?s an enormous loss of the ability to think on your own. Did my inner resistance, coupled with my outer acceptance, contribute to self-sabotage? Hmmm?
So, what did you get away with?
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I think I fell for that, too. This kind of surprises me because I thought I was rebelling or at least resisting for my whole 13 months. I remember doing massive amounts of whatever and thinking how I had "won", that they didn't brainwash me. Looking back, I think some of this self-sabotaging behavior was from Straight. It makes sense to "program" those that resist to "fuck up" as much as possible, feeding the self-fulfilling prophecy that is used as a sales pitch.
'Remember what happened to the Finklestein shit kid when he copped out of Straight---he ended up blowing homeless Haitians transvestites for beer money and used coke baggies, we don't want that to happen to little Jimmy'.....'You're right dear! Thank god for Straight, Inc!'....
I think a lot of it is also part and parcel of the Stepcults. They preach as an integrel part of their philosophy that the only alternative to cult membership is "jails, institutions, and death". Many people mistake groupsters as experts on recovery from addiction (they aren't) and, even though they reject the more obviously ludicrous aspects of Stepcultism out of hand, they may tend to believe some of the jive, as they may never have experienced long-term abstinance from drugs, whereas some groupsters may have, or at least claim to.
As far as what I got "away with", it was mainly harboring a desire to leave, which I did twice, staying gone for a month the first time, a night the second time. I 'rocked out' in my head constantly, and 'bullshit about rock bands' several times after reaching third phase and higher. All of this while I was outwardly complying. Eventually the outward compliance and the internal knowledge that it was jive made me want to leave, if I was on a high enough phase to have a reasonable chance (while I was outside the building and could get a couple of hours head start) or misbehave (if I was on first phase).