Well, as the subtitle suggests, I initially had to learn to forgive myself. I have noticed that early on in the 'awakening' process almost everyone I have talked to intially denies that they ever 'abused' anyone else, and often that they themselves were ever 'abused physically'.
Over time, it seems, most of us come to realize that even the process of carrying people around on beltloops was abusive, indeed it qualifies legally as battery, or 'making physical contact with another person without their consent'. In much the same light, much of the 'confrontation' would clearly fit the legal requirements for 'assault', which can be no more that 'speaking to another person in an agressive or threatening manner, without consent'. Finally of course much of what we said in group qualified for the legal definition of slander/libel.
Of course few if any courts would accept these things, based on heresay alone, though that does not change the fact that they were abuses.
Though I suppose it is possible to have avoided it, it was quite common and natural in group to poke a newcomer in the back to make them sit up straight, or to force them to wave their arms around, to push their heads around so they were facing the speaker, slap their hands away from the heads or faces during a rap etc etc. How many oldcomers slammed a 'nuke' down on the chairs hard if they were misbehaving?
The original modality, first developed in China, was based on the principle that the 'guards' were not the abusers, rather the other 'inmates' would choose to abuse non compliant inmates, as a form of peer pressure to adopt the 'state approved' indea or thought pattern. Remember that this modality was designed to reform political prisoners, and to make it possible to parade them before the populace in their 'reformed' state- so that they could espouse the new 'state belief'.
Once I came to understand that I had been manipulated and lied to by sophisticated adults who knew fully well what they were doing, I realized that everyone from the exec level and down were for the most part already brainwashed, and I found it hard to hold them responsible.
However, everyone from the director level and up, and most importantly at the top of the ladder- Mel Sembler, the US Ambassador to Italy, were fully aware of the sub-plot if you will- They designed the modality, they knew where it came from, they knew what is was about and how it worked.
These higher level people were fully aware that having some differential diagnosis done as part of the intake process would limit their client base, and raise their costs to a prohibitive level.
Indeed this is why the program was ever seeking mental health profesionals, hoping to admit their children so that they could brain wash these people into selling the party line.
The most dangerous abuser is the altrusitc abuser. The wife beater who feels absolutely certain in his own mind that he is helping his wife become a better , more servile and submissive women, to better fulfill her role as his 'slave'- will beat his wife all the worse for sake of his deeply held and often religiously based convictions.
The same was true of most of us on staff. we were chose by the higher ups based on our 'dedication' to 'helping others', we were groomed and stroked into a set of self beliefs that centered around 'saving' people.
There is a website called 'godhatesfags.com', it maintained by the Westboro Baptists Church in Topeka Ks. If you can stand to read through it, and it is truly offensive, you will find that they believe the kids who beat Matt Shepard to death in Wyoming were in fact doing him a favor, by putting him out of his misery in a life of buggery. This is merely the same principle taken to a greater extreme.
I feel certain that When Tim Brown's father threatened me with a gun, telling me that he would 'shoot me in the leg and tell the cops I tried to steal his gun', he believed in his heart and mind that he was helping to 'save me'.
This is in no way exclusive to Straight or straight related cults. There are religious schools in Missouri right now that regularly beat children to get 'the devil out of them'. These kids may have made no more than a passing transgression, an off color remark or watching "Harry Potter".
This is not to say that there were not people in group or on staff that were simply sadistic and mean. Nor that some people on staff or in group understood that they were merely using others as stepping stones to progress themsleves or to escape the cult.
I am sure that was true in a small number of cases.
But I remain convinced that most people believed they were helping each other, that they were involved in a 'mission from God' so to speak. I know that I was convinced that I was helping people, from second phase on, indeed it was this sense of altruism that drove me to to complete staff training and go on to be a staffer, for the short time that I was.
I could not have been more wrong, and forgiving myself was the more difficult step, forgiving the staff above me, came much easier when I began to understand all of this.
But I can never forgive the Semblers, or Art Barker, or Miller Newton, or Mr. Tilly, or Mr. Buttermer, or Helen Morton, or Mr. Oliver, or the others at the top of the ladder- they not only should have known better- They did- and they specifically chose to ignore the abuses, to further their own careers or political powerbases.
It is my opinion that the program was really a device to extend the powerbase of the republican party, and in particular the right wing idealogues, who want the fifites back. They pine for the day when everyone wore suits in public, and ladies wore dresses. The felt robbed by the late sixties and early seventies cultural revolution in America. They were driven by greed and fear- a powerful combination of motivators.
In the case of Alanta, it is easy to see the inconsistancy between the stated mission and the reality of the client base. There was one poor black kid in the program in Atlanta, a city where there was a serious problem in the poor inner city neighborhoods with drugs and young drug users. Yet the program was recruiting middle class white families from hundreds of miles away- why?
Because these families were more likely to vote Republican, the party of choice for the highest level of the administration. It was not racisim persay, but it was racist in practice. These middle class families were more likely to become politically active, more likely to contribute money to the coffers of the GOP, more likely to develop networks of resources etc etc.
On a slightly more cynical note- these families were more likely to help Mr. Sembler build out his primary buisiness of land development and building strip malls.
That is all for now....tired fingers ....