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Offline CW

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seed - deaths - deadly marriage
« on: July 31, 2002, 08:40:00 AM »
Hi, My name is Cathy I went to the seed in July of 1973 and graduated in March of 74 after telling Camile (not sure of spelling) that I was never going to change. Boy was I wrong. I am a early graduate of Lakewood 75.





Did you ever notice that the elite families of St Petersburg were the first to go to Ft Lauderdale. The rich and famous, the Yacht Club parents. It seems that NE got hit first. Kim, Jim, Bridgett, just to name a few.





My brother Jim and I were tricked into getting into the same car to go birthday shopping for my older brother. We thought it was strange (parents were divorcing) but we went to the mall. On the way for some wierd reason, I started singing they are coming to take me away HA HA. Jim joined in and my mother started to cry. My Dad for the first time in years held her hand. AND IT STILLS FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.





When we pulled into the parking lot I was out of that car in 2 seconds. Jim yelled don't run, but I tried. My dad grabbed my arm I bit him and kicked him in the nuts. And a large blond women just smiled. (Edies Mom) For she knew what would happen now, they had me. Jim seemed to play the game, to graduate by Christmas and be the perfect Seedling. Not me. They were not going to get to me. BIG MISTAKE.





To took over a month for me to be aloud to go home. 2 months to return to school. (how did the school board allow us to miss so much school) And I was started over 3 times. I was not aloud to speak on parents night for 3 weeks. The seed had no idea what would come out of my mouth. When they finally aloud me to speak, I stood up and said. "My name is Cathy W.... All I ever did was smoke pot, drink beer, and I am here because it is the social thing to do. My parents are ... They are members of the Yacht Club. At that point since all was a secret I was grabbed from the room and I once again heard my mother crying.





I NEVER CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





I was put in the private room to think about how I hurt my parents. Gee, why did no one care about how they hurt me.





Fast forward since I think that everyone knows what we went through.





The day I left the seed (I was quitely graduated) no party, no send off, no congratulations on the part of the seed, for when I looked Camile in the eye one day I told her on my 17th birthday (end of March) I was gone. She said she was the same way, that I would change, well that night I became an old comer for the last couple months of school. I thought I had survied.





I married a guy I met before the Seed. He was used to a strong independent person who would say F...Y.. and not care. What he got was a mouse. Which he quickly overcame, not knowing himself what had changed. It was not fair to either of us. I wanted away from school and home, he wanted a wife, so I got married at 17 after grad. in Jan of 75. People thought I was pregnet, what a joke, I had still not had sex. But according to the seed being friends was basically the same thing, it would lead to sex and I was still a whore (or I was told this by 300 kids my age for hours at a time)





Because I had no courage to fight any more I ended up being in the worst marriage possible. It made Sleeping with the enemy, and the burning bed look tame. I was prostuted out to his friends (but only after being ganged raped) I could never say no, or I would be beaten. I was sick, scared, and had no sprit left. I THOUGHT I HAD SAVED MY SELF, I THOUGHT I WAS THE SAME PERSON, WHERE DID IT GO WROUNG!





The first time I got high, It was with my best freinds, David Hicks, Bennet Beverly, and Mary D. What a foursome we were. David came to the seed and was told that having a girl for a best friend was insane. That girl was me. He was beaten down because of me. I would dream of David every night, he only spoke to me once after the seed. He looked my in the eye and said that he wasn't aloud to talk to me, but he begged me not to get married. I dreamed of David rescueing me every night. And I am not kidding. One day, I stopped dreaming about him, it made me sick. I could not wait to go to bed that night, but still no David. 3 days later my husband (now ex) called me at work and asked me if David had another name. I said yes, his real first name was John. He then told me they had found his body, 3 days eailer he had jumped the Skyway. Mary was the only friend I was aloud to keep. I dont know why. Then at work Bennets dad came in and told My brother and myself that Bennet was dead, he said Bennet had cancer. That's what I told Mary, when I found he to killed himself, I was heart broken, and I still have not told Mary the truth, because he was her soul friend, as David was mine.





I was physcally, emotionally, sexuelly (oh, screw the spelling - where is the spell check on this thing.) abussed, I had loaded guns held to my head, I have scars and burns on my body, my heart is broken and I have been alone since my divorse. WHo would want a broken soul anyway,





my children were not abused. I took the heat for all. One day my ex yelled at my daughter. I told someone at work (city credit union with cops and all - who would look at my face see bruises and stiches and never ask) told me that she did not care what happened to me. I was an adult. But that if he ever touched my kids, it was my fault. (don't ask me how, but I left him.) My kids were 5 and 7, they thought my mom took us away from there dad. It took years to convience them that it was not granny's fault, she was helping me.





I spent weeks in an abuse shelter. Luckly I was divorced in 3 months, he did not fight it. I threaten to expose all, for he was now a police man too.





There is more, but I can't go on right now. Someone talk to me. I hate seeing the sadness and compassion that peoples letters reveil. I have been told since 1975 that I needed to grow up. My older brother told me just last week that his hate for my past was stronger than his love of me and my children. He and his family would never come to marriages, christmas, thanksgiving.





because they don't like the fact I tell the truth my younger brother will not let me tell childhood stories, because he doesn't want his kids knowing about the seed, that he once smoked pot. He wants his kids to think he had a perfect childhood.





Well I don't know about anyone else, but I still smoke pot whenever I can, I used to go to job interview high, figuring that if they hired me, they knew what they were getting. I always got the job. I am glad I have not had to look for a job since 88. But, to me, it is better than drinking, because I would probley be a drunk.





I need to talk about this and I thank god that an ex sister in law called me in june to listen to the radio, before the conference. Is any out there who thinks they know me. And is there a purpose in telling more.

[ This Message was edited by: cw on 2002-07-31 17:16 ]

[ This Message was edited by: cw on 2002-08-01 05:45 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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seed - deaths - deadly marriage
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2002, 01:45:00 PM »
Quote
On 2002-07-31 05:40:00, CW wrote:
I need to talk about this and I thank god that an ex sister in law called me in june to listen to the radio, before the conference. Is any out there who thinks they know me. And is there a purpose in telling more.

I'm just as sure I know you as I am that we've never met. No need to say another word unless it makes you feel better. :sad:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline MommaDebi

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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2002, 02:13:00 PM »
CW wrote:"I was physcally, emotionally, sexually abused, I had loaded guns held to my head, I have scars and burns on my body, my heart is broken...Who would want a broken soul anyway?....There is more, but I can't go on right now. Someone talk to me... I have been told since 1975 that I needed to grow up. My older brother told me...his hate for my past was stronger than his love of me and my children. He and his family would never come to marriages, christmas, thanksgiving."


My name is debi white, exseedling '73- late 74 or early 75 (my memory is full of holes about this time in my life).

I read your post and it brought up a lot of my past life. I was in the Seed, St pete as soon as they came to town. Greg tells me that this was in Spring '73, I was 14 and tricked into going for a "Sunday family drive"...we had never gone on one before and thought it was strange, but who was I too argue.

I also ended up in an abusive marriage. I did not think I was worth much. Of course it is understandable that after being told for so long by people that "loved me" that I was nothing without them, I subconsciously believed it.

I am happy that you did find the strength to leave that marriage. You should give yourself more credit for having done that.It took alot of courage. You were a mother protecting her children, and although they may not understand, nor should they at their young ages, they ultimately will know that you did the right thing for them.

The judge gave my exhusband "no visitation" rights to my 3month old son, I felt guilty for a long time. Worried about how my son would feel when he found out.Would he be angry? hate me? defend his father?...many fears about that situation.

Well, he just turned 18 and has been looking for him for about 1 year. I felt as though I should tell him,just in case he does find him. Once I explained the situation ["drugs, violence, physical and mental abuse"]
...without going into too many details. I found him to be understanding and glad that I had sought to save him from a potentially bad situation.

I too stayed alone for many years following my divorce. I was not really alone; I had my son and that was enough for me! lol! I finally met a man after 7 years, dated him for 7 years and now have been married to him for almost 5years. My son & he love each other very much and life is good.

It can and will be that good for you given enough time and healing.

I am sorry that your brother is not supportive. I have had to relinquish some family dreams and remake my family within my group of friends. I know it is not easy, but I am in a safer emotional environment by doing that for myself.

I have learned in life that love is not unconditonal, but rather is acceptance. Acceptance of who a person is, their history, their dreams, their shortcomings and their strengths. My bio family is not able to do that for me...but the family I have gathered makes up for it.

I wish you internal peace and acceptance.
debi
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
...every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh...\" {Indigo Girls~~ \"The Watershed\"}

Offline GregFL

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seed - deaths - deadly marriage
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2002, 07:38:00 PM »
welcome again Cathy. I look forward to you participating in our open discussions here. Your opinions and comments are welcome and encouraged.
I hope that you can find a way to put all this pain in your past. For some people, an honest confrontation of what happened to you in childhood is a good starting point.
One problem a lot of us have had is that we endured a very abusive, contrived cultish childhood experience, and then went years and years with our families and friends not validating or understanding what happened to us.
Everyone here understands. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Offline Antigen

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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2002, 08:39:00 AM »
Oh, and for future reference and general information, you can always edit your own posts if you posted under a username. You can't edit anonymous posts and I won't do that because I can never be sure if the person making the request is really the author.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
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Offline Scott Free

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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2002, 09:53:00 PM »
Hello C.W.! Long time no see! I remember you quite well from high school. Though I was not a seedling, I lost many friends to the seed. THAT sucked! Bennett was one of the first people I met in school at Bay Point Jr. high. I was sorry to hear that he passed away. Anyways, it's a small world. I ran into Greg and Freedom here by accident while I was surfing one night. I looked up your picture in the ol' yearbook. Just want to say high (haha) to an old classmate and say that I wish the best for you. Do you still live in the area? I still love going to the beach. I remember David Hicks quite well also. What a great guy he was. He will stay alive with the others in everyones collective memories. Greg knows who I am if you are curious about who I am. I am STILL mortified by what in the hell was going on while I was having a normal life in high school! Btw, did you ever go garaging? That was the most fun we ever had in Jr. high!

Take care and I hope to "talk" some more - Scott
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Offline Marnie

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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2002, 02:41:00 PM »
I was 11 and in the Seed in 73 - I followed my brothers and sister Roger Young, Ken Sykes and Jennie - My memory is very faint - too young to take it all in - I had a leg problem back then and had to wear a brace for a few months sitting in group -  When you mention names they sound familiar - but still too young to have taken it all in - I also followed the Seed by being put into Straight -  I am a different person because of those programs - I really wonder where my life would be today without them - better I am sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUCH BETTER

My brother Ken is dead - I rarely talk with my older brother Roger and my sister. -  just too sad!

Marnie
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Offline CW

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« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2002, 07:42:00 AM »
I remember going garaging, but our big thing was sneaking into the nature trail and consuming whatever we got from the garages. I am still around, working for family, It was a good idea in 88 when I got divorced. now that my children are older. One is graduated from college making more than I do and going on to teach and get a masters in childrens guidance councling. She wants to work with kids in crisis intervention. What happened to me, has probley left some scars on her. My son is playing soccer on a scholorship and will be graduating soon, from the place we all hung out (eckerd college) he is just like me, even born on  my birthday. WHAT A GREAT KID. if you and greg want to get together, or any one for that matter. I would love to join you. this has been very helpful to me. And has explained alot now that I am able to look back over the years. Someone once told me I was being groomed to handle something very important. I just laugh, because if one more important thing happens to me, well lets pray it doesn't. I think that 45 years of life without happiness is enough.
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Offline CW

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« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2002, 07:44:00 AM »
the next time you are close by, maybe you and your sister or who ever is around can get together. This forum has been very helpful. And I would like to talk to you some more.
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Offline CHAR

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« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2002, 01:14:00 AM »
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2002, 02:37:00 AM »
Hi Cathy:

My name is Char. I was in the Lauderdale Seed in 72-74? (exact dates fuzzy). As I read your post and have read everyone elses' and think of my own story I am impressed and amazed that any one of us functions. It seems that all of us before we went into The Seed were kids that either never did drugs or just partied a little like kids do and we ended up in hell due to someone elses' decision.
I went through a lot of what you went through, the sexual and physical abuse. I know from what I have read on this site a lot of the women that post here have. Getting beaten down has that affect on some people. You get used to it, I did. You think you deserve it, I did. But we don't, not any of us. Every person on this site deserves the exact same thing that people from happy "Disney" families get (though I don't know how many of those really exists). I think we all meet people that can change our lives for the better. People that help us see that we are all in the same boat. Living in an incredibly screwed up world with some incredibly mean and manipulative people. But we don't have to take what we were forced to go through when we were kids. Just reading everyones postings here has helped me feel a little bit more like a whole person, that I am not alone.
Every day I go through (and I know every person on this board must go through) not living like the scared and abused child, teen and young adult I was but living like an adult that knows right from wrong. Living depressed and scared is just wrong due to Mr. A. Barker and his minions.
I can see you have been through the mill and back more than once but there actually exists in this world people that are aware and believe in treating others with respect. And that is some statement coming from me because I see the world much of the time as nothing but one ugly mess, in other words, I am not a Pollyanna. But they do exist and it was only recently I started seeing that and I am 45. So please don't give up. If someone in your life does not understand then lean towards the people that do and I know the people here do. We are all trying to function and get over the abuse and it is a winning battle even if it takes time.  

BTW, to anyone that is reading, my memory is bad (probably due to blocking things out, do ya blame me :smile:) but if anyone was in the Lauderdale Seed during 72-74 I was the girl in the talent show that sang Beautiful People by Melanie. Susie roped me into that one. (I was always a people pleaser but I'm working on it, that's why I listen to hip hop now, working on my assertiveness techniques :smile:) It's nice after 30 years to meet some of the Beautiful People that survived. And if any Seed staff are out there lurking, F*** you. Sorry folks, had to get that one out.

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"
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Offline DKM84

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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2002, 02:57:00 PM »
I'm very sorry this all happened to you, I wish there was something I could do to help
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Offline Somejoker

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« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2002, 06:01:00 PM »
there is and you are doing it. Participate in this forum and help us figure some things out. I seems that you may be positioned to tell us some things we need to know. First things first (Yech) I am posting a question for you at the top of the list. Please answer to the best of your recollection.
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Offline sunflower

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« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2003, 04:08:00 AM »
Hi Marnie,I remember you from straight.My sister Lisa and I were there in 77/78.I'm sorry about your brother-I remember Ken, and Jennie also.
you've been through alot with staight and the Seed and I hope that the time and pain will be redeemed.Memories are flooding back as I read the posts and its weird .My family does not talk about staight but the older I get the more I recognize the effect it had on me socially ie-dating,friendships etc,in the years immediately following.I think that you and I went on a"permission"once to the movies.You seemed kind and genuine.I remember John R. who was also good to me {indirectly of course}and the few tenderhearted souls around who were a saving grace.Take care,Laura M
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Offline sunflower

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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2003, 04:08:00 AM »
Hi Marnie,I remember you from straight.My sister Lisa and I were there in 77/78.I'm sorry about your brother-I remember Ken, and Jennie also.
you've been through alot with staight and the Seed and I hope that the time and pain will be redeemed.Memories are flooding back as I read the posts and its weird .My family does not talk about staight but the older I get the more I recognize the effect it had on me socially ie-dating,friendships etc,in the years immediately following.I think that you and I went on a"permission"once to the movies.You seemed kind and genuine.I remember John R. who was also good to me {indirectly of course}and the few tenderhearted souls around who were a saving grace.Take care,Laura M
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