So, like I said, it wasn?t until October that I fully understood I was stuck. I endured another search and haircut. I was as mentally flimsy as I would ever be in my life. There were no possessions that I cared about. There were no person?s opinions that mattered to me and my emotions didn?t seem wild with extremes. I was also something else that I only glimpsed bits of in my life: pleased. I was truly proud of myself for completing survival. I was at peace with myself in a way that shown through to people. Um, I think I was truly exhausted too. During the next months whenever there was a spare compliment thrown my way at the end of a rap it usually included getting back to the ?place I was at? when I came back from the desert. I think a lot of this perspective on my new self that I acquired had to do with being calm; a calmness, not orderliness or organized calmness was with me for my week of work details. In fact, on my first real day back with the Voyageur family that next morning after my return, Caroline informed everyone that I was on bans from Quest down, while it was decided whether or not I would be dropped a peer group. I didn?t care. I really didn?t, because for a brief time there time was standing still. I was going from moment to moment in my zen like calm and almost nothing mattered except those moments. So, whether I was with my original peer group or not just didn?t matter as long as I could eat. At least, that?s how I remember it.
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At some point during this mini- epoch, the great founder of our school, Mel Wasserman came for a visit. He walked right past me on my work details not even noting me sweating and sawing away. Me, my logs, my horse and my saw. Alone, and half starved I had been re captured by his place, I was dressed like a midget rodeo clown and covered with dust, I could hardly keep my eyes off of the gloss of him and the shiny Jaguar he had popped out of.
