Anyone else have this Problem after cedu?

[RegalPlague]

At least once a week i have one of THOSE dreams..ytou know, the kind that seem to be realoity, because they go on for ever? well, for me its i go to bed after kissing my son goodnight, watch some cartoon network and fall asleep and wake up in RS Cedu..i then go through a week of raps and either A. sitting at my Table or B. working by myself taking out stumps..then when i actually DO wake up, i feel so damn depressed that i dont open my eyes for a while lying there thinking of ways i can run the fuck away..then i spend a whole day depressed because i think about the hell that was that school..like how i never did drugs, or smoked, or drank, til i got out of the "school", after hearing all these, what they called Horrible times/destroying your inner child blah blah blah dirt..made ME curious..so i left the school and promptly tried them..Oh yeah, want to know WHY i was sent to CEDU? i Punched my Guidance Counselor after he insulted my only friends..not appropriate behavior..but not 2 1/2 years of HELL worthy either..anyways getting a tad ranty here..so thats all for now ::puke::

[Hell on Wheels]

I've been there. It is getting better now, but it is still there. I've woke up with tears coming down my face, cold sweats, bloody knuckles. I used to sleep with a loaded pistol under my pillow, but moved it across the room when I realized that I could wind up shooting my body parts or my television.

[k diggity flash]

yeah i have one THOSE dreams damn near everynight. You lie awake thinking that normal people don't have this problme. That they sleep well at night and aren't constanly tortured by those feelings. I don't sleep with a loaded gun, but i sleep with one eye open and have found myself running down the street becasue i had a dream escorts were coming. i hate dweling on it all the time but the whole experiance was totally fucked.

[Anonymous]

i was only at Ascent, not at the schools, and it was almost 10 years ago, but yes, i had that problem.  when i got home from Ascent, i slept on the floor for over 6 months so i could hear if anybody was coming.  scared to death that my parents would make good of their threats that if i fucked up, they would have me escorted back.  you are definitely not alone in the sleeping problems.

[Antigen]

It's not just CEDU ppl. Just about everyone who's been through The Seed, Straight, Inc., Elan or other Synanon based programs report similar problems. When I first got out, I would't remember my dreams when I woke up. But I know they were violent because I slugged my boyfriend hard enough to put him on the ground several times when he tried to wake me from a bad one.

I don't know the term CEDU used for it, but in Straight and The Seed, new clients (newcomers) were put in the 'care' of clients on higher phases (oldcomers). After I had kids, they were always my newcomers in those dreams. Same as yours, though, nothing overtly violent, just the daily grind. All the conflict was internal as I sweated out if and how much to clue them in that I was trying to figure out a way to get us all out while outwardly urging them to 'work your program' and obey the rules.

This has been over 20 years now. I don't have Program dreams any more. But it still comes up as a side detail to other disturbing, stressful scenareos about as often and intensely as a particularly abusive old boyfriend who messed w/ my mind a couple of years after I got out. And, in both cases, the shoe is on the other foot these days. If Program ppl or the asshole boyfriend make an appearance, they're afraid of me.  :wink:

It continues to amaze me to talk to law students -- college
graduates all and smarter than the average bear -- who will
seriously tell me about how dangerous mj is and how it
destroys the lives of those who use it and who, in the
very next sentence, will tell me how they and their
friends -- now CPAs, engineers, med students -- used
pot regularly through high school and college.  And
they don't see the contradiction between these statements.

We're not just talking ignorance here -- we are talking
deep down, serious, religious indoctrination.


--Buford C. Terrell, Professor of Law, South Texas College of Law

[Anonymous]

You know, I can't think of any place that has created more PTSD. I didn't even believe it was a valid diagnosos until I got with a bunch of drunken idiots like CEDU staff and started having panic attacks.

I think we all should get together and sue these mother fuckers

[Anonymous]

I dont have them every week but I still have my share of cedu dreams. Its not the best way to start your day. The cedu dreams I have seem so long and so real. When I wake up I am very depressed. Your story sounds alot like mine. I didnt drink or do drugs until I left cedu.


-five_years_later

[blownawaytheidahoway]

You know, I can't think of any place that has created more PTSD. I didn't even believe it was a valid diagnosos until I got with a bunch of drunken idiots like CEDU staff and started having panic attacks.



I think we all should get together and sue these mother fuckers

I wonder who this is.

[dniceo7]

the dreams went away but they have been replaced by the dreams I had at ascent. not dreams about ascent, but the exact same dreams I had AT ascent. I remember that when I was at ascent I was very, very aware of my dreams...not only could I remember them all in the morning (which I've never been able to do otherwise), but I could remember the exact moment when one dream faded to black and then into the next dream within the same night. I can never remember my dreams otherwise, but these dreams are so vivid. I know this doesn't offer you much insight but at least you know there are plenty of us out here being haunted by the cedu family just like you...

[Anonymous]

The nightmares are still fairly regular for me, 14 years after graduating. Interesting themes in them, particularly about being shipped back up there, as an adult and my trying to convince them and my parents that I really don't belong there- that I belong home with my husband and daughter.

Then trying to figure out how to get all of my furniture home (yes, in these nightmares, my furniture is somehow up there with me). I'm pretty sure that in my last dream I was going to rent a u-haul!

[Anonymous]

have you ever written your dreams down?  i don't know if it would be therapeutic.  but i would be interested to hear them.

i'm alia, by the way.  alia weiner.  i was talking to my therapist the other day about how the people i was getting back in touch with, as i go through this process of remembering what i had stuffed into the darkest places of my mind, is that i really don't feel like i knew anyone there.  i felt we all changed into something else, something dark and cruel, something sureal and primal.  

it is good to remember that we are all capable of degenerating into such cruel beasts, but we were very young and sent to these insane places by our parents who are supposed to protect us and teach us, not abandon us to madmen.

but it only goes to show ignorant they were.  how desperately and dumbfoundingly ignorant.

i beleive in our ability to heal our own minds and this mad world we were born into, and i still beleive truly, shot with some sort of torture immune injection and now we are the strongest ones anywhere.  trust me.  we are all so unbearably unbeleiveably undeniably strong.

i am determined to do something good with the evil they injected me with.  

i had dreams for years about slaying demons in my mind.   they would hunt me, and i would hide as long as i could, but they would come on me in packs and i would slay them, fight them and slay them until they all bled and died and i awoke victorious every time, i would not allow myself to wake until i was victorious, and i slayed them, i slayed every one until they no longer haunted my dreams at all.

but now i must repeat my battle awake, and pray i have the strength.  i am so glad that i found this forum  thanks again blownawaytheidahoway

[Anonymous]

Alia, if you want to help us start slaying, there's an entire Troubled Teen forum we have here, as well as an ongoing GAO investigation, potential protests, and an Internet full of clueless parents.

Have at it.

[Anonymous]

As for writing them down, that's a good idea. An interesting idea. Not sure if I'd do it though........I try not to dwell too much in them during the day and writing them down would make them more real for me. Yes, I know, my thought processes are completely counter to what any therapist would tell me to do. Therapy (or """therapy""") never helped me, though I have no doubt it has some value for others. I've found my inner peace (or what I have of it) within living my life and enjoying my family. Cedu is basically the only demon that I still live with. And thankfully, I'm not struggling so much with it in the waking hours anymore. It is definitely something I think about, but (again, thankfully) I finally feel like the memories are fading. If only my parents would concede that it was a bad decision to send me there, I'd probably feel even better.

Alia, I think the processes you are working on for yourself is fantastic. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you.

-V

[Anonymous]

i would like to deal with some of these clueless parents boy.  but i have rage issues myself with this.  this is not a subject i feel calm about.

we need to speak out somehow.  i swear.  they need to see it on the news.  that will change their minds.  

we foolish humans.

[dniceo7]

after no dreams about cedu since leaving, I came across this thread the other day and, sure enough, had one last night. not sure how profound it was though, but it was definitely a bit of a nightmare. I was in my room trying to sew a 1/4 of bubba kush into the collar of my columbia jacket to bring back to campus while the escorts were trying to break down the door. finally one came through the window SWAT style, I ended up at NIBH, and I woke up late for class.

I'm glad I had this dream. helps me realize how stupid it is becoming to be so stuck on those shitty days during my waking hours when my subconscious thinks it's all one big fucking joke.