Sweet Brad - you are such a doll to stick up for me. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. Please send me a PM if I can do anything to lend you some encouragement or can do anything else for you. Kelly, I am glad you were able to read my post and hope you know how truly sorry I am for the pain and shame I exposed you to. Reading about people who I know I had a direct impact on and knowing they have found some sembelance of understanding and happiness in their lives does make my heart smile and I am so glad you met a man who treats you exactly the way you deserve.
I am going to only be speaking for myself here - as much as it hurts my heart to read about what a bitch I was, I feel strongly that this forum is made for exactly those kinds of releases. I know how mean and vicious I was and it causes me plenty of guilt, shame and sadness but let's call a spade a spade...that was my job, what they trained me to do and I got plenty of ego from the fact that I recieved praise from staff for doing such a 'good job' of holding people accountable...makes me gag today. Why do you think I was one who did OMR and CMR so much and not the feely raps? I am not proud of it by any stretch of imagination but look at how different people's perceptions are of different people. Timmy liked Will Woods - I would have raged against him had I ever had the chance - he was horrid to me. Stephen and Jeff Spearman had the same rep I did and Timmy did not like Jeff because he rode him like crazy, yet those two helped me so much to just hang on. Will would confront me on being a fat, spoiled, ugly brat and without fail, within 24 hours one of them would have taken me out of group on a 1:1, usually outside to tell me to ignore him and that I was none of the things he drilled into my head. I had a huge soft spot for Tripp Wall because his parents were friends with mine and my dad's best friend who lives in Denver. I think Timmy did a great job of describing staff as far as the training and responsibilities. We were not given people to pick on but we did have lists of people to deal with and we each did it our own way - mine was 98% of the time mean and sarcastic. The rage I had against that place that I had completely swallowed came out all over people when I was on staff. I remember vividly when that rage came and stayed. When I was on 1st phase - I talked in girls rap about being molested as a child and being raped at 14. When we got back into regular group they stood me up and ripped me for lying and sat me on the guy's side. I FREAKED OUT and was restrained by five guys - great therapy for someone who had been raped 5 months prior...I was sat over there for 2 weeks and I know that is when the true rape of my pysche happened and I just gave in. Some may say it was a survivor method to collapse into their way of thinking - I just knew I had to protect myself and if it meant screaming, raging or whatever else I would do it. As far as going on staff, I won't use the excuse I had to - I was brainwashed completely by that time and honestly at that time I had no idea of what a world without Straight would be. My parents supported it, I had no friends other than people in Straight and I truly thought I believed in Straight at that time. I know that is SO hard for you to understand. I think that being on 4th and 5th phase the true conversion was sealed. You were given some power again over lower phasers and a little bit more praise from staff. The place was set up to make everyone believe they were absolute shit and the only way to redeem yourself was to be "straight" and 4th and 5th is when this 'redeeming' started but the catch was you had to live the 'straight' way or you were ostracised and put back on 1st phase. The place was completely fucked and there is no logical explanation for staff or the treatment we dished out. I so wish there was a way to help you understand. I still struggle with it - it is by far the part of Staight that haunts me the worst. I can deal with what happened to me - I had to or I would have been stuck forever but accepting that I ever was part of ripping other's souls apart still eats me when I allow myself to wallow too much. All I can do is focus on who I am today and know that I do my best every day to nurture as many people I can and make this world a bit better. I cannot speak for Kathy David - I did not know her that well. I do feel that I can speak for Stephen as I knew him out of Straight and I can only tell you that who he was outside of that building was 180' from the staff memeber he presented. I believe that part of why he never recovered from that place and kept returning to drugs is because he could not live with the guilt. I hope that will help you as I feel very certain that if he could express his emotions about his behavior it would be similiar to mine and he would hope for all those who were hurt by him to know he was searching as much as the rest of us and surviving the only way he knew how to after being in that hellhole. I know how hard that is to accept and if I can help you in any other way please let me know. To return to my original thought, I encourage people to vent about the staff who hurt them, even it was me because I know it is essential for healing to take place. If old staff reads it, they have two choices and I hope they will be able to handle the truth of what they were in Straight and allow others to heal and not try to deny that they caused plenty of pain, regardless of the fact that they were products of the program also. I know I was a product of evil but I also was part of it and will not try to offer up anything other than how sorry I am and had I known then what I do today I would have been trying to rescue them not hurt them. Hang in there sweet Brad - and seriously - let me know if I can help.
Jennifer
