Yes, I have some bad daydreams - fortunately no nightmares. They all revolve around losing my home and abandonment - go figure. But since I've identified the cause of it all, had a good cry and realized that I'm the one in control of my life - it's been much better.
I've thought about the horrible possibilities too - that she could drink herself to death in my house, or pawn everything I own, etc... Then I think ' at least she dies with a roof over her head' or 'that stuff can always be replaced'. I guess I've had to get myself out of much worse, so anything else isn't so bad. I know damned well she can't sign me into another progam.
I certainly understand your feelings about your mother, because I have those feelings too. I think about how things are now with her position in life and think "Well, what comes around DOES go around"... then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
The vindictive side of me would like to laugh in her face, because it was me who would never amount to anything and it was me who would "wind up on the streets"
But that's just a small part - for the most part, I'm a very compassionate person. I've given panhandlers ten bucks so they still have money to eat if they decided they absolutely HAD to have the booze or the drugs. I've helped total strangers, who may or may not have done far worse things than my mother - I'll never know.
But I don't have to live with them, either.
But you did hit the nail on the head by saying if you were the only one invovled, you may be willing to deal. That's what it's coming down to. Acutally, her mother, my grandmother is willing to provide some financial help, but she is far too frail (and lives 1500 miles away and never leaves the house) to deal with all the issues. She wants me to 'fix it', but doesn't quite understand my stake - I stand to lose a good job, and a shot at law school if I just pick up and start traepsing around the country.
So, I guess once again, my security IS compromised because of all of this, and that's what's so scary. But then again.. it is MY decision, right?
On 2003-10-04 21:50:00, Antigen wrote:
"I don't know, Sara. Do you ever have bad daydreams? I do. Instead of going off on some pleasant flight of fancy, I just as often explore horrible possabilities. I suppose I want to be prepared for anything.
I'll never have to take care of my mother. She has 5 other kids, one a single, childless nurse and a couple more who would pitch in whatever they had to. But I've sometimes wondered what would happen if I did have to take care of her. She's been a certified nut for a number of years and, as I understand it, just lately my sister has considered putting her in a home. At one point when she was very ill, my sister asked me if I wanted to be included in any decisions about Mom's care. All I could come up with was that I'd be happy to pick out a suitable nursing home for her. Vindictive? Hell yeah. But then, I knew very well that I wouldn't actually have to deal with it in real life.
I guess you just take it as it comes. Maybe there's some holy grail hidden in there somewhere. I'm sure I'd give my eye teeth to have a real, authentic, honest to God loving relationship with my mother. But it's just not possible. Maybe if I were her only living relative and her only other choice was living on the street then she'd be willing to deal. But that's not going to happen and I wouldn't wish it on her. Not really.
Were the government to prescribe to us our medicine and diet, our bodies would be in such keeping as our souls are now. Thus in France the emetic was once forbidden as a medicine, and the potato as an article of food. Government is just as infallible,[sic] too, when it fixes systems in physics. Galileo was sent to the Inquisition for affirming that the earth was a sphere.... It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.
http://laissezfairebooks.com/product.cfm?op=view&pid=FF7485&aid=10247' target='_new'>Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia
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