Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?
:jamin:
In the class:
Teacher: Where are the best toys?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Teacher: And where are the tastiest candies?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Teacher: So where are the happiest children?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Suddenly Vovochka started to cry bitterly.
Teacher: Vovochka, why are you crying?
Vovochka: (through tears) I want to live in the Soviet Union!
:jamin:
NEW RUSSIANS:
In tax police:
- Where did you get money to buy MERCEDES?
- I sold my FORD, added little bit money and bought it.
- Where did you get FORD?
- I sold my LADA, added little bit money and bought it.
- Where did you get LADA?
- I sold my SUZUKI, added little bit money and bought it.
- Where did you get SUZUKI?
- I already have been in prison for that.
:jamin:
A New Russian calls to his secretary:
- Lena, how much of zeros are in one million?
- Six.
He disconnects and tells his partner:
- You see? Six zeros in one million! Thus, in two millions it is twelve.
:jamin:
A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a grey Mercedes. The salesman finds him exactly the car he wants, and the man pays cash for it. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, "Didn't you buy a car just like this from us last week?" "Oh, yes, I did," replies the New Russian, "but the ashtray got full."
:jamin:
"Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600 Merc." / "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
:jamin:
"Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
:jamin:
The wife of a new Russian waits for him to come back from work. The phone rings; it's her husband: "Dear, I've been held up at work. I won't be back earlier than seven". The wife, in a panic, rings her friend: "That's it! My husband's been arrested! What does one get seven years for these days?"
:jamin:
new Russian and an old man lie injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
— How did you get here, old fella?
— I had an old Zaporozhets car (piece of crap soviet car, kinda like a vw beetle with a lawnmower engine), and I set the war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine on it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. The speed was too high and I crashed myself into a tree. And how did you get here?
— I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I concluded, that my car might be broken and that it was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...
:jamin:
BACK TO OLD RUSSIANS...
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”
We’re answering:
“In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.
In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.
In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.
In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.
In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted"
:jamin:
At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.
"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will have a car! And after one more five-year plan is completed, every family will own an airplane!"
From the audience, somebody asks, "What the hell one may need an airplane for?"
"Don't you see comrades? Let's say, there are shortages in potatoes supplies in your city. No problem! You take your own plane, fly to Moscow and buy potatoes!"
:jamin:
A Polish tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats, the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and more and more!"
"Yes, it's a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big suitcases?"
"Oh, it's just the batteries for that watch."
:jamin:
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
:jamin:
:jamin:
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
:jamin:
You know you have been in Russia too long when ...
You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.
You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
You say he/she is "on the meeting" (as opposed to the more proper "at the" or "in a" meeting).
You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo" before giving the caller a chance to respond.
You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.
When crossing the street, you sprint.
In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.
You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles to go 2-3 miles while it is snowing.
You actually know and care who won the last Spartak soccer match.
You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxi driver and the impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC. ( On what trip in Poland, After 3 days I was shown where the toilet roll was kept, I was told by my colleague that we had now achieved trusted advisor status)
You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your "just in case" disposable hypodermic needle in your other coat.
You "automatically" hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through the metal detector.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli. ( Not everyone gets this one, email for solution!))
You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.
Your day seems brighter after seeing that Goon's Mercedes run into by a pensioner's "Moskvich".
You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
Your not sure what to do you when the "Gai" only asks you to pay the official fine.
You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot water.
You're offended when your American friend gives you a "dozen" roses.
You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses Kleenex.
You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.
You ask for no ice in your drink.
When you start using "davi" instead of "yes".
When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.
When you develop a liking for beets.
When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.
When you begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.
When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
When you swear the arms on Gagarin's statue move (see photo).
When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.
When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.
When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
When you start shopping for products by their country of production
When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.
When it doesn't seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a lousy restaurant.
When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.
When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules.
When you know more than 60 Olgas
When you give you business card to social acquaintances.
When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.
When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
