Author Topic: Nervous insight.  (Read 1930 times)

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Offline Anonymous

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Nervous insight.
« on: December 10, 2008, 12:00:52 AM »
Remember in $tr8 how you had to learn to anticipate your own emotional reactions to staff and the group or be submitted to their will ??  You had to be just that much quicker in order to strike pre-emptively, you know, talk about it in group and be able to demonstrate some measurable change or something, like you were struggeling with something but you were workin your program.  And you had to play a poker face so hard that you lost your ability to be spontaneously emotional.  You know like when everyone around you throws their head back in laughter but you, because you've become so objective or something, so concerned with monitoring your spontaneity in order to protect yourself from the mind-rapists.  Every subtle psychological reaction had to be self monitored and controlled so as not to reveal any secret hidden places within the mind, sanctuaries of sanity, which were fiercely defended...the assault was so relentless and brutal, it was pretty much a psychological serial rape.

They destroyed our attachments to our ideas of ourselves by inflicting intentional misery upon us.  They gave us our emotional consciousness and then manipulated us through that emotional consciousness, basically creating our pain.  Man!  They are heinous!!  Sent us into adulthood psychologically crippled and confused.

Before $tr8 I was a stubborn, willful kid who could't be intimidated or manipulated by the authorities.  You know they'd have me int guidance counselors office or what-have-you and they be doing everything they could tointimidate me and scare me into performing academically, oh and for that they wanted me to actually attend class regularly too...they were so concerned that I might end up some low-paid ditch digger or something.  Whatever visions of my future they threatend me with I would just respond with:  "...a-n-d the terrible thing about that is...????" and then they would bluster and pace and say well your just gonna end up a poor miserable ditch digger, but I thought they were wusses and simply on the basis of their own behavior I dismissed them as disingenuous.

So that's how I ended up on front row.  Very stubborn, willful, intuitve, lots of potential they couldn't use.

It was after I had been in the program for a few months that I began to develop the emotional consciousness which still influences me now.  I had never been real introspective about my personal emotions before $tr8.  In $tr8 I had to develop my ability to look inward and see what was there before anyone else could see me.  We really had no place to go, no way to hide. So the only defense against the invasion was in your ability to throw them some piece of yourself without hemeraging.  You had to be highly self aware and a good public speaker to stay outta trouble in that place.  

After $tr8 I had a nervous breakdown.  The thing is when you have a nervous breakdown I'm not sure how you recover.  It seems the open doors can never be permanently locked back up again. Sometimes those crazy doors just fly open and the violent invasion returns accompanied by insight.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Froderik

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2008, 01:01:22 PM »
Quote
Sometimes those crazy doors just fly open and the violent invasion returns accompanied by insight.
Yeah, man! God....people (except you and some others who had to go through it like we all did) just don't fucking get it, do they? No, they never have, and they never will!! I shouldn't really be held accountable. Straight fucked me up, it did. Straight made me unable to deal emotionally when it comes to certain situations we all must face in life. That's how I feel, like some damaged fuck-up ready to BITE BACK whenever anyone gets in my face about anything. It's amazing how fast the recoil occurs and how it's like being back in fucking GROUP. It's a wonder I haven't put a knife right in some motherfucker, it really is.

Sometimes I just want to run from it or do something drastic to get away from the offending situation. Anything but to have to answer or explain, justify my behavior. Fuck it, I just can't deal, I say to myself. (It's a good thing people can't read my thoughts or I might be locked away in a rubber room by now....lmao.)

It takes a pretty patient person to put up with me, or just someone who employs good relational coping-mechanisms or something. A shrink, or someone of that caliber whose job it is to remain calm and not back people into a CORNER when the going gets tough.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline joethebadass

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2008, 01:24:09 PM »
I have definitely experienced the emotional detachment that you are describing after my experience with Mount Bachelor Academy. Poker face to the max, I realized after the first few days that I couldn't trust a single person I talked to in there. I saw people who were really good friends betraying each other right off the bat. That's the kind of rifts that attack therapy creates in people in a residential setting. There was always an unspoken understanding that we may be friends now, but in group it's another story. You're on your fucking own. I primarily watched my own back. I had a huge advantage going into it however, and that is my acting experience. I am as a result of my acting experience a good public speaker and fast on my feet.

After a few months it got to the point where I understood the the dynamics of how group worked so well that I was able to avoid trouble, mostly. It's really a very simple system. Someone is going to have the barrel of the attack gun pointed at them. If no one brings any requests to group, they can usually just harass someone on a self-study or who has bans or who is new. When that person gets defensive, yell at him until he or she agrees with the group. It's preferable if they start crying. If they are crying, inform them of their punishment and then when they get angry, yell at them some more. When emotions are running high, shift the target to someone else who will with the help of a few cues from the facilitator become the new object of all of the group malice that has been artificially created by this process. A good way to connect the two is by turning to the next victim and saying something like "And you! Aren't you his friend? Why haven't you been holding him accountable? You're supposed to be your brother's keeper. I think you're negative and underground." That would do it for just about anyone.

That's why especially if your friend was confronted, you pretty much had to join in. If you didn't, chances are you would be singled out next for not doing so. I had my friends turn on me, and I turned on my friends. I'm not fucking proud of it, but it happened. Before I was in the program I prided myself on being a loyal and trustworthy friend. I could honestly have said that I had never betrayed a friend. MBA will coerce you into denouncing your friends, your parents, your life, and your own self. This is one of the reasons that it is so scarring. A cult isn't something that just happens to you, it's something you participate in. I knew how evil and oppressive that system of control was but I was a part of it. Once that attack therapy gun is pointed at you, the only way to get it off is to agree in a convincing way. That last part is important. You have to make it look real to the staff facilitators (your fellow students will know that it's not real.) I have agreed with some absurdly ridiculous things.

When confronted, it is important that you act as if you are as a result of what is being said to you having some sort of an epiphany. But beware - epiphanies don't happen overnight. You're going to have to relate this epiphany to your earlier actions at the program, explaining how everything else has led up to this one moment of clarity that has been brought to you by the group. If you "own" whatever is being said to you, things will go a lot faster. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, truth is irrelevant. In fact, any disagreement that you express will serve as rationale to continue the verbal assault against you. If you are reading this and have never experienced the kind of group that I'm talking about, I can tell you honestly that it is hard to imagine how much a planned out and coordinated group attack on your emotional state can effect you, especially when your best friends are doing it. Keep in mind that the concept of personal privacy at MBA is very loose, and that most people know most other people's deepest and most personal issues (physical abuse, rape, molestation, etc.) They possess the tools to hurt you profoundly. It is seriously just best to agree with whatever they fucking say and move on.

But don't be obvious! Your anger towards the group for being so viciously attacked, and your own personal emotional pain, should be masked as self-hate. That way, you will be doing what they want (hating yourself enough so that you will change.) That is the ultimate goal of this whole process. So I learned early on that all I had to do was act like I hated myself for whatever the group was telling me, and then the process would be over quickly. I wasn't ever dropped a peer group because I realized the way things worked right away. It kept me alive, but I still feel a rift in my soul from disobeying that inherent aspect of humanity that wants to be kind, that wants to stand up for itself, that wants to show love and respect for family and friends instead of hate and anger.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Joe - "So what if a kid gets sent here who doesn\'t need or deserve it?"

Staff - "Bans."

Offline Woof-a-Doof

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2008, 06:37:13 AM »
Awesome thread! Even read it to my wife, who never really "got it"...afterwards she asked, didn't anyone ever go to prison over this abuse? I answered no...This was Mel Semblers baby (are you kidding?)...to much cash...too many attorny's...too many friends in elite circles. And yes, Straight was finally shut down, but the abuse continues and sadly lingers.

There is soo much I would like to add to the thread, perhaps latter...perhaps it isn't even nessasary. What else can I add too the tale of misery and horror that hasn't been told already.  With the exception of maybe one word...DITTO!

Much Healing
In Peace
woof
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
What is right is not always popular...What is popular is not always right

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2008, 07:15:22 PM »
Quote from: "Woof-a-Doof"
...DITTO!


Man,   you re old school! :roflmao:   This buds for you ! peace.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2008, 07:27:30 PM »
Quote from: "Froderik"
Quote
Sometimes those crazy doors just fly open and the violent invasion returns accompanied by insight.
Yeah, man! God....people (except you and some others who had to go through it like we all did) just don't fucking get it, do they? No, they never have, and they never will!! I shouldn't really be held accountable. Straight fucked me up, it did. Straight made me unable to deal emotionally when it comes to certain situations we all must face in life. That's how I feel, like some damaged fuck-up ready to BITE BACK whenever anyone gets in my face about anything. It's amazing how fast the recoil occurs and how it's like being back in fucking GROUP. It's a wonder I haven't put a knife right in some motherfucker, it really is.

Sometimes I just want to run from it or do something drastic to get away from the offending situation. Anything but to have to answer or explain, justify my behavior. Fuck it, I just can't deal, I say to myself. (It's a good thing people can't read my thoughts or I might be locked away in a rubber room by now....lmao.)

It takes a pretty patient person to put up with me, or just someone who employs good relational coping-mechanisms or something. A shrink, or someone of that caliber whose job it is to remain calm and not back people into a CORNER when the going gets tough.

You're cool brutha O0 .  I know what you mean.  Yeah, I get it.  What's up with the tire ranch ??  I heard there was some hope.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2008, 08:05:09 PM »
Quote from: "joethebadass"
I have definitely experienced the emotional detachment that you are describing after my experience with Mount Bachelor Academy. Poker face to the max, I realized after the first few days that I couldn't trust a single person I talked to in there. I saw people who were really good friends betraying each other right off the bat. That's the kind of rifts that attack therapy creates in people in a residential setting. There was always an unspoken understanding that we may be friends now, but in group it's another story. You're on your fucking own. I primarily watched my own back. I had a huge advantage going into it however, and that is my acting experience. I am as a result of my acting experience a good public speaker and fast on my feet.

After a few months it got to the point where I understood the the dynamics of how group worked so well that I was able to avoid trouble, mostly. It's really a very simple system. Someone is going to have the barrel of the attack gun pointed at them. If no one brings any requests to group, they can usually just harass someone on a self-study or who has bans or who is new. When that person gets defensive, yell at him until he or she agrees with the group. It's preferable if they start crying. If they are crying, inform them of their punishment and then when they get angry, yell at them some more. When emotions are running high, shift the target to someone else who will with the help of a few cues from the facilitator become the new object of all of the group malice that has been artificially created by this process. A good way to connect the two is by turning to the next victim and saying something like "And you! Aren't you his friend? Why haven't you been holding him accountable? You're supposed to be your brother's keeper. I think you're negative and underground." That would do it for just about anyone.

That's why especially if your friend was confronted, you pretty much had to join in. If you didn't, chances are you would be singled out next for not doing so. I had my friends turn on me, and I turned on my friends. I'm not fucking proud of it, but it happened. Before I was in the program I prided myself on being a loyal and trustworthy friend. I could honestly have said that I had never betrayed a friend. MBA will coerce you into denouncing your friends, your parents, your life, and your own self. This is one of the reasons that it is so scarring. A cult isn't something that just happens to you, it's something you participate in. I knew how evil and oppressive that system of control was but I was a part of it. Once that attack therapy gun is pointed at you, the only way to get it off is to agree in a convincing way. That last part is important. You have to make it look real to the staff facilitators (your fellow students will know that it's not real.) I have agreed with some absurdly ridiculous things.

When confronted, it is important that you act as if you are as a result of what is being said to you having some sort of an epiphany. But beware - epiphanies don't happen overnight. You're going to have to relate this epiphany to your earlier actions at the program, explaining how everything else has led up to this one moment of clarity that has been brought to you by the group. If you "own" whatever is being said to you, things will go a lot faster. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, truth is irrelevant. In fact, any disagreement that you express will serve as rationale to continue the verbal assault against you. If you are reading this and have never experienced the kind of group that I'm talking about, I can tell you honestly that it is hard to imagine how much a planned out and coordinated group attack on your emotional state can effect you, especially when your best friends are doing it. Keep in mind that the concept of personal privacy at MBA is very loose, and that most people know most other people's deepest and most personal issues (physical abuse, rape, molestation, etc.) They possess the tools to hurt you profoundly. It is seriously just best to agree with whatever they fucking say and move on.

But don't be obvious! Your anger towards the group for being so viciously attacked, and your own personal emotional pain, should be masked as self-hate. That way, you will be doing what they want (hating yourself enough so that you will change.) That is the ultimate goal of this whole process. So I learned early on that all I had to do was act like I hated myself for whatever the group was telling me, and then the process would be over quickly. I wasn't ever dropped a peer group because I realized the way things worked right away. It kept me alive, but I still feel a rift in my soul from disobeying that inherent aspect of humanity that wants to be kind, that wants to stand up for itself, that wants to show love and respect for family and friends instead of hate and anger.

Thanks, Bad-ass, Joe.  That is exactly what I'm talkin about.  Some of your terms are diffrent, like self-study or what, but it sounds like you were in someplace just like $tr8. Mount Bachelor Academy huh ??  Sounds like a school ??  Were they one of those $tr8 disguised as an academic boarding school or something ??  I'm curious.  When were you in and where is this place ??  I never would've guessed before I found fornits how insidiously these programs have replicated themselves and spread throughout N. America(the world too, but N. America mostly)

I was watching "Independent Lense" a few weeks ago.  You know that show on PBS ??  Anyway it was about these Native American kids who had, you know, been experimenting and truly struggeling with life and such...I immediately recognized their speech cadence as program and sure 'nough, half-way into it or so it was revealed that they'd been in some program that saved them somehow from themselves or somethin.

Ride on!  :birthday:  :poison:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline iamartsy

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2008, 04:30:04 PM »
I get anxiety and more depressed reading this. Geez the PDAP hospital, Deer Park, was like this. I am glad I was only there 30 days. I got released since my first semester of college was already paid for. Unfortunately, I broke down and ended up in an even worse hospital 1.5 years later. We had 2 or 3 groups a day. I detached early on, and hardly spoke for the rest of my nine month stay. At about six months I made up something horrible that had happened so that I could get to a higher level. For the most part, I gave up on their level system. Anytime, I put in for a level upgrade, I was denied and then confronted about something I never knew was a crime.

I rarely saw my family, and lost interest since I knew they would not pull me. They only became interested in pulling me when they found out that I had been overdosed on medicine and no one reported it to my off site neurologist. He is the one who then got my family to realize, that I needed to get the hell out of there. He was appalled at the lack of medical knowledge by the psych techs. They even made me attend group during the overdose. I could hardly walk or talk. I gave up and crawled back to bed. No one came to check my vitals or anything. A week or two later, I went to see my off site neurologist who transferred me to a real hospital. Their nurses had to stay with me on a constant basis because I grew so paranoid everytime staff from the psych facility visited me. I stopped eating and lost weight.

I was mortified about going back, because they made it clear I would be put on extended isolation. I was not to tell my parents any of what the staff said. I did tell my parents and they told me not to worry, because they would become more involved. They did in that they insisted that I have nightly, unsupervised calls to home. If they noticed these calls were not coming then there would be problems. They also insisted that I be freed in a short period of time. Unfortunately, that time kept getting longer and I finally insisted on them finding getting me the HELL out. I flew back to see the neurologist on a bimonthly basis, and he told me to get as far away from my family and the facility as I could.

I am back here. The depression is back! I hate the memories. I hate who I am. I hate everything. Life is a manipulation game. All of life. What did I learn in the psych joint? I learned the game and now 22 years later, I have learned that life is the same game. Am I wrong? Can you tell today is a really bad day and the memories are flooding my brain? If you don't understand what I have said, it is because it is hard to put all my thoughts down.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2008, 05:51:25 PM by iamartsy »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2008, 05:31:16 PM »
oh please don't say that "ditto" word again -- you will get dittoed to death at Hyde
 ::puke::
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline iamartsy

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2008, 05:52:09 PM »
The ditto is now gone. I hate green puke.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

dragonfly

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2008, 02:20:47 PM »
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Nervous insight.
« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2008, 09:47:55 AM »
Quote from: "dragonfly"
I keep having thoughts of leaving...

Hey  to all!....
You're here for the duration, son...  :rofl:  ::puke::
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »