My CEDU seafood dream

[stina]

so i had this weird dream last night, and in it i was trying to describe what CEDU/RMA was like, and the fallout, etc... and the way i described it was this...it's like you're somewhere, in a contained environment, and the only thing they let you eat is seafood. and they make you drag the seafood to the kitchen, cook it, and tell you the whole time that these fish died JUST SO YOU COULD EAT THEM, and make you feel guilty about these fish dying, but it was all you could eat. so you have all this huge guilt for these damn fish, but you have no choice, you can't just not eat. and then for years and years afterward all you eat is seafood, because you're conditioned to simply eat the same old super guilty seafood. and then one day you look around and realize that there's tons of guilt free food.

[Awake]

All that happened in a dream? That is crazy.  I've had alot of crazy Cedu dreams recently, but for the most part either I was running away or they came into my house unexpectedly. Byond that not much detail besides waking up sweating and drenched.  I won't pretend I can interpret dreams, but ... I get it in some fd up way. Is there a more concise way to explain that experience? I can't think of one. 

[no name]

Interesting dream.  I am all for guilt free living.

I have a re-occurring nightmare about cedu/rma.   I find myself on campus.  I am my current age and with my current level of resources.   I am told that I am a student again for the 3rd time.  [beats me where I did that second time at RMA -- but 3rd times resonates as valid]   I am looking up at the main smoking porch from the path leading up from the garden house.   I tell someone that I cannot stay.  I tell that person that I have to take care of my kid [who I love more than life itself].   The person suggests that my child is not important or does not exist, and that I have no choice but to remain.  I panic.   The panic wakes me up, and I go look at my sleeping kid. 

[Anonymous]

My dream is similar, No Name. I dream I am sent back there at the age I am now.  (30s).  The whole Twilight Zone vibe that was atmospheric at CEDU pervades my dreamscape.  I don the Stepford Act as I plot my escape, only to be discovered... at this point, I am desperate and pull no verbal punches in unveiling CEDU as a cult. In my dream, there are always a few students nearby as well as power staff... I use whatever verbal logic I have to try to get them to Snap Out.  It doesn't work; I'm branded.  There is a real feeling of terror that sort of reminds me of how I feel when I watch Clockwork Orange for a reason.

But tonight for whatever reason, I was reading an article I wrote on a different subject that briefly recalls my stint at a cult.  I started thinking of My Mom and our visit last month. I casually mentioned cedu being a cult, and she stiffened--it was immediately understood this was topic non grata.  Unlike many, I harbor no ill will toward her for sending me there. It was before Internet.  The PR looked credible. She was desperate, and so was I. What I do resent is her inability to allow me to even topically refer to the true nature of this place.  That she would rather cling to whatever delusions she still has rather than glance ever so slightly at reality.  Why should I deny the impact of That Place--not a school--or its continued effect on present day youths in its mutant forms--to enable her to live outside of reality?  Why do I have to act as if the truth is a lie?  So many CEDU survivors have taken years to flush out the kool aid are still unable to discuss what happened with their parents, even casually.  I realized that even my "life" on Fornits is bifurcated from my "real life".  I've only discussed it with two civilians, and really, this is a secret world.  Part of it is because it is unfathomable to people who did not witness it. With parents, I think they already know they most likely fucked up pre-program, and can't face the additional realization that the place they sent their child to save them was not, in actuality, The Promised Land for Fucked Up Youths.

So, anyway, I've got insomnia tonight, which is always dangerous.. you end up imagining the conversations you want to have and never will.

[AuntieEm2]

Hi, all,

These reports of nightmares are so disturbing to read, I think because many people describe the reality of CEDU as a waking nightmare. Purple Hearts all around, I say.

Shanlea, as to your mom... sometimes we seek a response or an answer or an action from someone who will just never deliver. It's like shopping in the wrong store, emotionally. I worry that you are getting hurt a bit more each time she does this to you. None of my beeswax here, so disregard what is not helpful. But depending on your relationship with her, maybe you can ask her if you two can set a time to discuss your time at CEDU. Perhaps if she had a chance to plan and prepare she might be more open to it. Or not...

I can relate to the bifurcated life. I, too, have few people who are truly open to discussing this. That's not totally true; I have friends who care, but are only up for the 60-second update. It's a short list of people who will listen to all the details and rants. And when you bring up a word like "cult" in conversation, some people look at you like you are exaggerating. Or that it's hopeless and out of their control anyway, so why should they care. I know before my niece was sent to BCA, cults were something sad that happened to somebody else's family member. 

What did you mean when you said you had only discussed this with two "civilians"? Just curious.

Auntie Em

[dishdutyfugitive]

Why do I have to act as if the truth is a lie?
So simple but so accurate. Cedu aside, I despise acting as if the truth is a lie.



Yes - the imagined conversations rehearsed over and over during a sleepless bout are more annoying than a 72 hour marathon of the "Golden Girls".

[Anonymous]

Auntie Em: I refer to anyone who hasn't been in an Emotional Growth Cult as a civilian. Sort of like, if you are in the military in the midst of war, you will always have an alternate and all too real reality that separates you from the non military populace. There are very few who will truly get the experience save your military compadres. Same with cults.

The difficult thing is that the general public is all too willing to accept Waco and polygamous sects as cult but nothing that has the terms "emotional growth" or "troubled teens" as cults.  People buy the brand "emotional growth" lock stock and barrel--it sounds psychologically tasty after all... and people are quick to recoil and react at the label "troubled teen."  Like a snake.

[no name]

shanlea123,  I also have communication problems with my Mother.   By the time, I was sent to RMA she was, thankfully,  not my custodian.  I donot harbor a grudge against my parents for sending me to RMA, nor for creating the situation that made a place like RMA a possibility for me.  They did the best that they could with their limitation.  Neither of my parents had any business having children.  On a superficial level, I really enjoy both my parents.  They are well-read, witty, great conversationalist, and occasionally brilliant.  I talk to them 3 - 4 times a year max., and see them maybe once every two years.   The last time I saw my mother was when my grandmother was dying.  At one point, I said to her "Mom, let's keep this pleasant and talk about something else".   My mother was emotionally unavailable for the rest of our time together after that comment, and it was really just as well.   My grandmother helped to raise me, and after she died I was left feeling like a homeless orphan.     

On the same trip, a group of us were sitting at the dinning room table when one of uncles or aunts asked about RMA.  I was floored.  I graduated in 87 -- 20 years later someone asks. I mentioned the riots at NWA:  The kid who hung himself:   The many of my peers that have committed suicide or have been incarcerated:  The fact that it is closed: It is a cult.  It was built on synanon, and that movement came out of torture techniques developed in the Korean war.  I was on a soap box for about 5 minutes. I loved every moment of my soliloquy.   I closed the conversation with I'd prefer not to talk about this again.   I had no desire for them to ask questions that would just bring on more nightmares, or upset me. I could see no benefit in hearing what they had to say about the subject. 

Thank you for writing about your dream.   Its reassuring to know I am not alone.

[stina]

All that happened in a dream? That is crazy.  I've had alot of crazy Cedu dreams recently, but for the most part either I was running away or they came into my house unexpectedly. Byond that not much detail besides waking up sweating and drenched.  I won't pretend I can interpret dreams, but ... I get it in some fd up way. Is there a more concise way to explain that experience? I can't think of one. 

when i first found this site i had a ton of dreams that i was back at RMA. and it was strange, just like no name said it was always my third time back, with no recollection of the second time. and there was one really odd one, when they were looking at and treating me like i was 15 again, but i was definitely 33. the dreams phased themselves out eventually.

and then i woke up yesterday with this vivid dream in my head, in which i was trying to explain the experience to a "civilian" (shanlea, that's hilarious, whether you meant it to be or not). and i told my friend the dream, and this girl's known me for years, we've talked about RMA a lot. and she said that it was super abstract and fucked up but that she thought she understood more what i'd been through regarding the program. it was such a vivid dream, i wonder if my subconscious is trying to reconcile it with itself. with seafood of all the weird fucking things. don't know.

shanlea, i totally understand about your mom. when i found this site i told my mom about it. and continued to tell her the things that i was learning, synanon, etc. she wasn't a program parent, she told me that i could stay home on my first homevisit, but at that point i wanted to complete it so that maybe at least it would mean SOMETHING, you know? and after a while it started to make her feel uncomfortable, because i think she was thinking that i was blaming and holding her responsible. and i've moved past those feelings a long time ago, i realized my parents are fallible and flawed, just like everyone else. i know that she thought that she was doing the best thing for me (and for my brother, he was sent away shortly after i was, to several different places). we were both super fucked up. and she still has so much guilt for staying with my dad for 17 years (match made in hell). but after a few months of talking to her about this she started saying that it seemed that fornits was "unhealthy" for me, and was probably contributing to my drinking (she's convinced that i'm a fullblown alcoholic, which is untrue, but that's a whole other story). but anyway, i can't imagine what she went through being married to my dad for that long and then having to make hardcore decisions regarding her children, who were both super fucked up. and i know the edcon she talked to did a number on her.

regardless, this is starting to be a journal entry so i'll end here.

[Anonymous]

Our dreams 20 years later is so indicative of the trauma and stress caused in these cults... the stress compounded by the disconnect between truth and reality... When we finally acknowledge the truth of the situation, we are still hamstrung by the inability of others--our parents-- to accept the truth. Hell, we could be prostitutes and drug addicts and some of them would still insist we were saved by CEDU because we have "tools."

[dishdutyfugitive]

The culinary undertones of this thread have necessitated a mission to my local deli.

I'm ordering a Hamstrung laden Hoagie with a side of dorm head crab cakes.

Seriously, the seafood dream is a good analogy.

I'd welcome any face to face conversation with anyone regarding cedu. I used to be ashamed of myself because I went there. Now I clearly see it was they who are the ones that should feel ashamed.

Hell, I think if I found a genie in a bottle and I got 3 wishes , 1 of the wishes would be to assemble all the Cedu staff, give them truth serum and video tape a Q&A session with them.

My father has been very open to discussions. I haven't made the effort to delve to deep into it with him because we're busy making good progress in other areas. Rome wasn't built in a day. When the Benchmark/Psy case hits the news I'll be sure to discuss it with him in great detail.

[TheWho]

Pork Roll Sandwich myself or a cheese steak would hit the spot.

[dniceo7]

and they make you drag the seafood to the kitchen, cook it, and tell you the whole time that these fish died JUST SO YOU COULD EAT THEM, and make you feel guilty about these fish dying, but it was all you could eat.

hahaha.

So true.

[Awake]

On a semi-related subject, I realized that I have a nightly ritual that I use to help me get to sleep that originated at CEDU.  These days when my mind is running and I can't sleep I imagine throwing myself off an impossibly high cliff and watching myself fall to the ground. I'll do it over and over imagining what happens in various ways. Sometimes I imagine myself inside my body, or viewing from an outside perspective. Sometimes I hit the ground and the scene turns blank, or maybe the ground will shatter like glass and I'll keep falling forever. (Don't come to any suicidal conclusions reader, it's just a way to quiet my mind)

Anyways, I remember starting this at CEDU imagining throwing myself off the emerson building down the backside. I never could sleep at CEDU so this was the only way I could shut all the bullshit (raps, etc.) out of my brain so I could sleep. Anyone else have some weird way they got to sleep at that place?

BTW Stina..... are you a vegetarian? Can't help but be curious considering the dream.

[dishdutyfugitive]

I think I learned the  'look at every detail of the back of your hands' mind trick to fall asleep at RMA.

On a loosely related note...

I remember being in the middle school in an Walden west side rap.  I remember admiring the architecture. Admiring the pleasant summer afternoon in an amazing locale.

Then I kept thinking what horseshit cedu is.
I kept thinking, I'm completely immersed and committed to this program and it's living hell. I'm in such a nice building in such a nice setting yet I'm enduring the most intolerable of intolerabilities.

What in the fuck happened?
This place is a mockery of itself.
How am I sitting in this chair
in this builiding
on this campus
listening to this bullshit 3 days a week?

This is so fucked......

I couldn't stop thinking that...
I'd never get to graduation.
I'll never get this cedu weight off my back.
I'll never have enough 'great raps' under my belt.
I don't feel right.
This program doesnt' feel right.
I'll never be the same after all this bullshit.
All this yelling at people for no reason.
All this contrived 'deep emotion'.
What a bunch of mindfuckery this cedu lingo is...

I got so pissed off and wanted to split right there...instead I made the mistake of staying.

Instead I looked up at the ceiling fan spinning at break neck pace. Going round and round,
round and round.
I then imagined myself
leaping up and grabbing a fan blade...
and holding on with a steadfast grip
as I deftly karate kicked each staff in the chompers
on each succesive pass.
Bam, bam, bam,
whap, whap, whap.
My sneaker making solid contact with the piehole that was angrily spewing out mindless cultspeak
silencing it

The finale of the relliptical ceiling based Kung Fu?
I would lean into the circular spin of the fan to gain momentum and
release at the optimal moment
flying through the upper half of one of the huge rectangular windows on the pond side.

I pictured myself launched
free
and flying over the hills
out of Idaho and
back home.

Home again.
Never to think about the absurd, hostile, inbred, thrice a week, mindfuckery that they called therapy.


That 1 time ritual killed about 17 minutes of the rap. 17 down - 223 to go.